July 11th, 2011.. A life changing friend.

"Your blog can be about positive things too!"
-A Life Changing Friend

There was once a time I used to live life scared..
Scared by the meanings bound by words..
Scared by the repercussions of actions for gain..
Scared by companionship..
So..
My response was denial and opposition..
I avoided the use of words of meaning..
I avoided the use of actions for gain..
I avoided companionship and friendship entirely..

However..
There was an uncalculated variable concealed within a single existence..
By fate..
By chance..
By destiny..
By coincidence..
I met you again.
Despite never having shared a word once for all these years..

I've never let myself believe in fate or destiny..
But..
You have made a believer out of me..
With those 'Earnest' eyes of yours..
In you I believed..
In you I trusted..
In you I lived..
True again.

I used words that once lost all meaning..
Only to find words that once gripped me with fear..
Only to find the same words changing my life again..
For the better..
In you I "Care"..
In you I "Trust"..
In you I "Believe"..
In you There is "Forever"..
In you There is "Friendship True"..
In you There is "Belong"..
In you I "Want"..
In you I "Need"..
In you..
I "Love".

I acted on an instinct once extinct..
Sharing my life with yours..
Because I wanted a better grade of life..
For myself even if I never wanted to admit it..
Despite surface denial..
Despite claims to selflessness..
Meeting you..
Trusting you..
Sharing my heart with yours..
Was my personal act of "Escapism".

I let my guard down so I could make a friend..
Were you to ask me who my friends were 131 days ago..
I would of told you..
"No one."
If you are to ask me today who my friends are now..
I will tell you..
"Everyone.. Along with a best friend that loves her hair more than her life"
And, I'll smile saying it the same way I smile typing it.

And..
If it wasn't for my "Malaysian Stubborn - Ness"
I wouldn't stop myself at teary..
I would instead cry..
I would cry tears of "True" happiness..
Out of pure gratitude for having met you..

It is the very same stubborn nature that prevents me from admittance..
Admitting that I have emotions..
Admitting that I have now become a happier person..
Admitting that I want to keep you in my life for my own selfish reasons..
And..
Although I could never ever say this to anyone..
Admitting that my greatest sadness was my lack friends..
And inability to keep a single best friend..
Or.. To even have a best friend..

But that has all changed..
Because..
Of you.

From my single leap of faith to trust you..
I now lead a life I could never of dreamed off..
A better grade of life..
A happier life.
Some days..
I am even brave enough to say I am truly happy..
Days of having only just hung out with you moments before..
So..
Thank you.
Thank you for enriching this man's life with joy once more.

From meeting and trusting you..
Emotions have become part of my way of life once again..
You showed me how to live..
And in return I showed you I could do the same..
I found friends..
I found best friends..
I found love interests..
I learned to smile from the heart..
I learned to laugh from the heart..
I learned to live.

And, even though I have resolved to never cry again..
For you..
I am willing to break this self promise..
Because to me..
You are worth it..
There isn't a single thing in this world that I wouldn't do for you..
Except shave my head.. That's just crazy.
Or admit to being ticklish when you try..
Or stop using metaphors around you..
Or stop using big words around you..
Or say that you're the cooler sibling.. (You wish..)
Or unfortunately stop being late.. (Natural Malaysian way.. Have to at least be a minute late)
Or let you beat me in any game..
Or in any other competition..
Or stop calling you skux.. (For purposes of a nicer word)
Or stop being stubborn.. (I just have to be.. I really do..)
And.. Let you treat me to dinner..
But everything else I will do no problem!

You told me to make a positive blog..
And even though you never said it..
I'm sure it was implied that I keep my metaphors out of it..
So..
Here it is..
For the world to see..
That a person as impossible as you does exist..
My first ever positive blog.
Dedicated to you.

For.. A Life Changing Friend.
For.. A best Friend
For.. A Sister..
For.. Family.
<3

Thank you..
For being in my life..
For all that you have done..
And.. For all that you are and all that you do.

I am Happy at heart.. =)

11:11 PM 11th November 2011

A behavior atypical in my personal nature to conform to the majority..
Regardless of importance or truth..

Today, I collectively gather my thoughts..
Asking for only one thing during this moment.

That, all the other inhabitants of this Earth experience not complete bliss..
Not complete happiness..
To avoid gain of boredom and loss of meaning in life..
But instead..
I wish for the inhabitants of this planet..
To experience happiness..
General happiness..
To live life..
To keep living life..
To survive and learn..
Survive and grow..
To maintain the strength to overcome obstacles..
To get past drama..
And to be a better version of themselves..
This is what I ask..
A happier world.

This is my true wish in response to my dream..
And if need be..
I'm content with being the sacrifice to see the fruition..
If I need be excluded for such a cause then..
I show no complaints.

White Notebook

"I'm okay with being fake on the surface. But, everything else?.. That 'is' mine. What I am, what I have, what I can do.. That's real."
-Robin Tey

White notebook..
Pages black..
Titled..
Pursuit of happiness..
Author..
You.

I have only one dream..
Bathed in turbulent skies..
Lost in a emotional maze..
Void of exit..
It's a simple dream..
Harder than any other..
A pursuit..
Of happiness.
Not in myself..
But in those surrounding.
They've stained my pages white..
This dream of mine..
Writing my story with yours.

These pages tore when early summer winds circled..
Crying out of safety..
Crying of escape.
But.. That 'was' my place to return to..
No longer.
I have no intention of a life lived easy or safe..
I have only the intention of a life lived with dream fulfilled..
Right now, I'm living for this..
My own wish..
My own dream..
My reality.

Until today.. I've lived everyday with only expectation of self..
The expectation of strength impossible..
I am strong..
I have been strong..
Commanding compulsion of will..
Just so someone else could live..
Live and smile..
With burden new..
With life new..
I had only one path to crawl..
In winding..
In thin..
Forever growing..
I trained my heart..
I trained my body..
I trained my mind..
Teaching of a limitless possible..
I want to become stronger..
Still..
I will be stronger..
I want to realize this reality of mine..
I can't lose..
I won't.
After all..
"I'm only living to fulfill my dream."

Fate alone holds the premises of my last chapter..
But.. Until then..
I have made up my mind..
I don't want pity..
I don't want to run..
My spirit..
My fire..
They are more than enough for this path I crawl.

I'm more than thankful for the kindness that I have received from individuals..
So, I only wish that you never make a sad face ever again for my sake..
But, it is for your kind hearts that I will turn my hatred and anger to strength..
No matter how strung in depth it may be..
To reject faces hurt.. Faces sad.. Faces worried..
It is for these kind hearts that I want to become stronger..
I'm willing to carry it with me for your smiles..
I'm willing to wear forced smiles holding elongated shadows..
I'm willing to endure this undeniably growing physical exhaust..
I'm willing to accept the sacrifice that is me..
Under beautifully scarlet skies..
This pain..
Is alright with me.

" Tears shed is no excuse for sins' end..
These regrets..
A price to painfully worn in eternity.."
-Robin Tey

392 days..
6 people..
0 tears..
? smiles..
? laughs..

Return..

I once had it controlled..
I once had it contained..
I was able to live by rule of facade..
I was able to wear my mask of smiles..
I was able to wear my shades of deceit..
Emotionless behind only because this was the way it had to be.
This was the way it needed to be..
The way it should of been.

Today I failed to hide behind my smile..
Today I failed to find motivation..
Today I failed to surpass my limitations..
Today I failed to control my emotions..
Today I failed to ignore it..
Everything I was could.
The me of yesterday would never let feelings foolishly control me.
The me of yesterday never would of let what happened today happen.
A secret I am all but too afraid too share..
Only because of the worry that will follow.
Living in the fear of me.
Knowing that none can handle..
None can control.
Not even myself.

Once upon a time..
In a time not too far away..
I could smile away any amount of tears..
But today 377 days later I lost the smile of confidence.
Only because my heart began to beat..
Now I can only ask..
When will my tears start?..

I know it's too late to run.
I know it's too late to push away.
I know I shouldn't be here at all..
I know it's too much.
Too much for even me..

2 hours of reservation..
I only know..
That I can't trust myself with me anymore.

It has returned..

Limits..

If nothing else..
I would never run..
I could never run..
I would never weaken..
I could never weaken..
All that I could do was eradicate this one thing.
Limitation..
To beat it..
To surpass it..
With only self-loathe as my single motivation..
The self-loathe bathed in the weakness that is me..
This would be my prize possession..
What I could boast of.
What I could share to the world..
That in the surface world.. I shared no such trait..
I shared no limitations like those around me..
But for all that I have accomplished..
And for how far I have come..
One limitation that sets a golden law will always best all that I am..
The limitation of my human self..
Being human.
My greatest loathe..

Today, I was told only one thing.
"robin, you have limits"
I taught myself to never believe the truth of this..
A lesson that was once possible..
A lesson that spoke of truth..
When those surrounding me could see none..
When those surrounding me could only see my efforts..
To those close and far..
These were my offers..
Limitless in existence.
But never could I expect to hear of the truth of my limitations...
Not this early.
Maybe, I was never capable of coming this far at all..
Maybe, I was living simply on a string of fortunate miracles..
Possibly only by a string of impossible luck.
All I know is that..
For the limitations that I have hidden to become visual..
I carry only another failure..
Another..
Limitation.

Blood Bottle..

"Every scar has a story embedded into forever."
-Robin Tey

The impossibility of living a life without scars is absolute.
Something that can't be escaped..
I have lived my life knowing this..
I have lived my life expecting this..
I have lived my life with this..
Just this.
Some saw the scars in me..
Inside..
Outside..
The rest saw the scars on me..
Outside..
But, even I can see the scars..
Visually blind to it..
Audibly deaf to it..
Physically touching it..
Odorless and bland.

I have contained the scars of my life in a single bottle..
One that has lived years of stories..
One that has endured years of burdens..
One that has withstood years of experiences.
Sealed by only the strength of fear alone.
Containing disappointment..
Containing betrayal..
Containing hatred..
Containing anger..
Containing me.
A battle destined for defeat..
With expectations prepared for a future date..
One set later..
Further..
And yet, I have failed even here.
I once made declaration..
I once made a challenge.
Never to lose here.
Forced not by motivation..
Forced not by desire..
Forced not by logic..
But, forced by compulsion..
Compelled by constraints..

Today on this day..
The blood that stains my hand..
They speak of my failures..
My ill preparation..
As they cover the entirety of my hands..
The entity designated with misfortune..
With the misfortune of handling all that I am..
My pure anger..
My pure hatred..
My pure detest..
With blood filled fists I have only this.
And even with today's end..
I find no satisfaction..
Only open wounds where my knuckles used to sit..
Only a blood littered bag that used to be clean..
My pain tells me I feel too much.
My blood tells me I'm not strong enough.
My crack tells me I'm not capable of handling it..
My scars tell me that I will never be anything more..
Nothing but an entity of darkness..
Cynical..
Pessimistic..
Full of deceit..
Full of nothing..
Nothing but the hate that I am.
This is all I have.

Filled with water red..
This is my blood bottle.

Incapable..

In the time I have lived..
With all that I have seen..
With all that I have heard..
With all that I have learned..
The one truth that has found it's way into permanence..
In my mind..
And, in my heart.
Is incapability..
Weakness..
Futility..

This life of mine..
This small life in this large world..
Has co-existed in the shadows of those around me..
Reaching from the darkness..
Pushing the souls around me forward from within the abyss..

Despite efforts..
Beyond successes..
Following failures..
Despite attempts..
Beyond achievements..
Following disappointments..
Despite claims to growth and change..
I'm no different than when I started all this.

I feel no heartbeat where my heart should be..
Despite all the claims to trust..
Despite all the smiles and laughs..
Despite all the insurmountable kindness..
Despite all the morally correct intentions..
Despite all the depth of optimism demonstrated..
Despite all the confidence and determination portrayed..
It only runs surface deep..

These feelings and emotions..
They once defined me..
Only to be replaced..
By the hatred for the world..
By the hatred for humanity..
The wishes to never become like one of them.
For as long as I live being human..
Being human is the one thing that I could never forgive myself for..
For all my sins..
For all my regrets..
For all my mistakes..
Being human is the true sin.
It isn't the world that changed me..
It was and is people.

I don't question my ability to forge bonds and friendships..
I only question the meaning of something lost.
Isn't a friendship a declaration?..
An unspoken promise to be there..
A promise to trust and give reason to trust..
The golden rule.. The golden law..
That states every being in this world is fated to possess one..
A friendship true..
That every being in this world..
No matter how big or small..
No matter how far apart the lands..
No matter what oceans separate people as obstacles..
Every individual controlled by will and law is destined for friendship..
Whether only a single friend or many..
Whether they believe in destiny or not..
They.. Everyone, in this world will find a friend..
A friend that will protect them from hurt..
A friend that will and would sacrifice their own life if need be?..
Carrying each other forward with only intentions true to help?..

Has it really become so hard for me to believe this?..
Even.. Even when there are those around willing to fight for me..
Is it wrong that I don't even have a heart to offer them?..
Leaving only a single cold dead heart..
Surrounded by pessimism..
Surrounded by cynical beliefs..
Surrounded by complete distrust..
Forever incapable of even shedding a tear even now?..
Even when I've served my time...

In all my attempts to surface any emotion..
I was returned with only the word incapable..
Even attempting to fall victim to the easiest emotion of all..
Anger.
I couldn't..
It didn't feel real..
It felt only as fake as my existence..
Even pushing the extent of my physical barrier..
Just so I could bleed again..
This body of mine..
It has been left with nothing but scars where injuries once were..
It has been left with nothing but bruises that spoke of my attempts..
It has been left with nothing but blood dried trying to just feel something..
My arms.. My legs.. My hands.. My feet..
Forcing myself to stages beyond my own capabilities..
Only because I know I'm too weak to..
In my feeble attempt to boast of it as pride and determination.. Willpower..
It's only a lie of a me past..
Where this willpower..
Is now replaced by hatred..
Hatred of self..
Hatred of those around..
My hatred is what drives me..
Day by day..
I lose my ability to physically function..
Sometimes bearable..
sometimes not..
Sometimes there..
Sometimes not..
Just always reminding me..
Scarring me outside..
And inside..
Of my weakness..

"What do I have left after all this?"

To those now reading..
All I can say.. Is that I'm sorry.

I am incapable at heart...

Fight..

"For the first time in my life I'm fighting for something that's real.. Real to me"
Ever since the first time I said it..
I never said it again..
Ever.

Even using the world real the next time..
Just that one time..
The repercussions left me as I am today.
Broken..
Weak..
Incapable..
For all the effort in the world..
This is the me that I can't change..
The me that I can't deny no matter how much I try to.
Because in the essence of truth..
There is no one willing to fight the true fight.
Not like I would of and did..

This is my law.
My fight.
Alone.
Words for me alone.
Words not for you.
Words not for any.
Words not for another.

"I care a lot about you !! I'll be the "friendship true",it is possible. I'll be the one person who stays to care. We aren't that different robin :> you go fight your battles. i'm just here fighting yours always."
I really thought I was the only one in this world..
The only one ever willing to fight for another..
To give truth and claim to the word fight.
Perhaps..

One more..
Just one more time..
For this.
I can't lose after all..
Not now..

Thank you..
You've brought back a little of the youth in me..

Push..

If I had a single wish..
Just one..
It would to be a hero..
Someone's hero..
Everybody's hero..
My hero..
Not for the glorification..
Not for the recognition..
Not for the profit..
Not for the gain..
But..
For the idea.

We've lived too long without ideas..
Without reasons..
This world..
This world of ours no longer has its' reasons.
Reasons to live..
Reasons to trust..
Reasons to fight..
Reasons to die.

I have lived my life in the entirety of the void..
The void of ideas that now drowns the world.
Gaining all the flaws of the hero..
Losing all the perks of the hero..
With the remain of only an empty title to claim.
With all that I have to offer..
With all that I have offered..
My reward lies in my fall to rise..

Bearing the weight of years..
I've pushed and lifted with shoulders proud..
I've pushed with mind stubborn..
I've pushed with mind blind.
Never pulling.

For the years that I have wandered aimlessly on hard soil..
I have learned many truths..
Many worth learning..
Many not.
But, one such is human capacity.
I've seen the human capacity..
For all that it is.
The surface..
The abyss..
The flight..
The land..
The human capacity is capable of only so much before crashing..
The human capacity is capable of only so much before cracking..
The human capacity is capable of only so much before crumbling..
And I am not exempt from this solidified clause of life.
Like written law..
No matter how hard I try to abolish this curse of a title..
To avoid it..
To change it..
It finds me..
It follows me..
It forces me..
Forces me to push harder..
To push further..
To push faster..

For the hero in me..
I could never pull another..
I could never take the hand of another..
My fights live on the premises of the single.
My trust lives on the premises of the single.
I am the single..

For all that I could have..
For all that I could have pulled into this life of mine..
I've done nothing but live in reverse..
Always pushing..
Pushing the title..
Pushing those who share the title..
Humanity.. Human..
It's all the same..
What could I possibly ask from a world as such?..
How could I possibly receive from a world as such?..
You're only human..
We're only human..
I'm only human..

This curse of life..
This curse I deny..
I reject.
In absolute independence..

No one can be my support..
No one can fight for me..
I am my own.
For the years I have left..
Pushing is all I know and all I will ever know.
I hold no certainty..
I hold no confidence..
In the idea that those around me will be just that in future times..
Those around me.

I am no hero..
I have no hero..
There are no more heroes..

15th.

With only but the remain of a few seconds..
A years worth of accumulation will exist upon this moment.
Every emotion bottled completely..
Anger..
Sadness..
Confusion..
Happiness..
Loneliness..
Every emotion given permissions to be released completely.
I have lived an entire year.
Void of self.

After everything where do I stand now?..
How do I feel now?..
Weaker.
Much.. Much weaker.
Physically..
Mentally..
Weaker.

-1..

In only a moments passing..
My year long endeavor will have reached it's final ending moments..
I ask myself why I tasked myself with what I found to be an impossible one..
Understanding only that it was the only way..
The only way to carry on as I was..
The only way to execute the tasks I desired to..
To only.. Way.

I suppose with only the remain of but a single day..
Many things will change..
Many emotions that I have reserved may surface..
Only due to permissions becoming real..

Perhaps with such a limited amount of time..
I came to the realization of the significance of the chase..
The chase of the 'new' and the 'new' feeling..
The role it played to me..
Perhaps.. It was why I admitted to it..
So clearly..
So quickly..
With minimal hesitation.
I just know..
I did.

Compassion.

Compassion..
It's true that I've tried to demonstrate this trait at every corner..
And although I have proven successful..
Never has the favor been returned so successfully that an impact was made..
Never.. Has the favor simply been returned.
Plagued by the physical injuries that hinder my life so..
For the duration of five years and more..
I found absolutely zero motivation to rectify the issue despite this fact.
Perhaps the fear of finding nothing wrong..
Or everything wrong..
Perhaps.. The fear of becoming normal.
But never did I find the motivation in amongst the multitude..
The multitude of excuses I lay before me.
But today..
All that changed..
With the initial earnest..
A person with compassion that I have never experienced on this planet before.
With determination like no other.
Knowing that with actions like those taken today..
I may return to what I love one day..
Eventually.
And perhaps..
Live fast, die young.
Is a way of life of the past for me.
Perhaps.. Living old may prove to be worth it.
Perhaps.. Living old may be possible for even me...
All I can say is thank you in terms of gratitude.
But for now, this is all I can do.
Until the one day arrives.

Earnest..

This has been a word that has shown great impact on my life recently..
This was the initial word used to express an observation to a certain individual..
A certain individual who is now of great importance to me in my life..
And hopefully I to theirs..
But, acting on the impulses and whims I have lived these five years against..
Ignoring..
I stopped for a moment.
Just a moment..
Despite having questioned myself constantly were it wise to share this secret..
This secret with the chase of the 'new'.
Many times I told myself no..
But many times I told myself otherwise..
And, in my confusion.. I accepted only one choice.
The first of the moment..
The initial.
And so I said..
I said those secrets that gripped me in the shadows tightly everyday.
Despite how many reasons I gave myself to not.
And yet, like those before I show no regret or remorse..
But rather.. Acceptance over my decision..
Over my freedom of choice.
And in return..
I received that word.
Earnest..
Not once was it spoken.
But many times was it seen visible through my eyes..
Seeing the earnest eyes..
Seeing the earnest face..
An expression that said 'I care.'
An expression that showed sadness when appropriate..
An expression that showed happiness when appropriate..
And even, an expression that showed firmness when required.
Today..
I revealed my secret.
For the fifth time..
In a duration of only twelve days..
Running on impulse..
Following whim..
Trusting instinct..
Believing..
Looking for the earnest in people.

Truth..

This word truth is our way of judging a given opinion with fact or logic..
We're taught to use it appropriately by elders through growth..
And we learn of the repercussions and power it truly holds..
And even when I couldn't agree more that truth is gold..
Am I simply just living in pure contradiction?..
When I myself have proven to be one of the greatest liars?..
I have never made clear the truths of self..
Only the truths of the surround..
And even then, despite intentions initial or following..
It still holds a title that opposes truth.
Perhaps this requires changing one day..
But as I am now?..
I see no possibility of it..

Perhaps one day..
When pretty and beautiful can merge into my life..
When impulse is real..
And the words that follow..
To create one world.

Forward..

Typically I have taught myself to consider the options before speaking..
For the sake of others I have completely learned this method..
For the sole purpose of avoiding the use of certain words..
Words that would prove detrimental to the situation of the person I am aiding..
However, in learning to do so..
I have learned to apply said method to my life..
However, as per usual of recent..
I have abolished typical reasoning of my norm..
In exchange for succinct words of 'whim'.
I do it without hesitation..
I do it without remorse..
All simply for the chase.
The chase of the 'new' feeling..
The chase of the 'new'.

Importance..

In life we quickly learn to measure things through prioritization..
Placing the things we own and have in life in the order of importance..
Our experiences tell is what is important and what isn't..
We are taught to see through what is needed and what isn't..
We learn to accept what is important through out own developed logic.

It is this very life where we learn the steps of importance..
That we learn to prioritize the individuals that live in our life on this given rule..
Based on the experiences we share with them..
Based on what they teach us..
Based on how much we need them..
Based on how we see them..

We then learn to trust these individuals based on their level of importance..
Although the time has been short..
I have found a selection of individuals truly worth trusting..
I have always read these selection of individuals to be worthy..
But I never once acted on it..
Despite more confidence in their ability..
The confidence in my ability to read 'people'..
I never once acted on it..
Until now.
Perhaps.. It was simply 'important' that I did now.
Before it's truly too late.

Bliss..

It's true that I have always avoided living in bliss..
Because it's fleeting..
Because it's momentary..
Because it never lasts..
Was it because I always so scared of it?..
An answer I'm sure I will never obtain..
I only know that today..
Today, I experienced and lived in this.

Learning the new things I do..
Physically..
Mentally..
Even from complete strangers..
Who with a heart full of compassion..
Offer complete strangers the opportunity to learn..

Laughing..
Doing..
Living..
Things I have yet to grasp..
And am learning..
I just know that in bliss I learn..
But, is it the right way?..
Am I learning the right things?..

Bliss was always a term that described the lives of the child..
The life.. Of the primary child..
And would eradicate itself in meaning completely once maturity occurred.
Only to re-introduce itself as a false reality..
A thought based purely from a pessimistic perspective..
But, is this only cause I had to learn it this way?..

Satisfaction..

A good life can be measured by the true smiles you execute in life..
Despite the cynical status that this statement my express..
I have discovered great difficult in understanding how to express a true smile..
Through life I have always decorated my face with a smile..
Because I had to..
There was once a time where it was because I knew how to..
Because I wanted to..
But that soon escaped through my fingertips..
For a time too long..
And now..
Looking at the way things stand..
Seeing the people in my life now for who they are..
Isn't it wrong for me to say that I haven't not smiled truly at least once..
Once for each of these individuals who now know my secret?..
Once for each of these individuals who desire to help me?..
As things stand..
I find great satisfaction..
Although it is true step forward..
Isn't it wrong that I put it this way?..

Chain Continues..

Fragility has remained a strong implication in the human thought process..
Understanding that we human beings could give out at any given moment..
Much like the creations we give life to be they inanimate or not..
But even then..
The likeliness of two occurrences of an unfortunate nature..
Is more that impossible.
And yet even then..
It would seem I've proven to be quite useless in both happenings..
I only show the desire to engage in helping..
But I suppose..
In practically I have a long way to travel..
As opposed to theoretical..
But even then, the lessons I have yet to learn live in abundance..

Chain..

I suppose I've avoided a chain of actual unfortunate events..
For a long while..
Not that it plays any effect on the life I live..
It however did prove bothersome at the time..
For everything to fail functionality in a single given moment..
Perhaps a sign of fragility..
Fragility of the tools developed for man by man..
A fragile tool for a fragile being.

New Whim..

Seldom would I allow myself to act on such emotions..
A whim..
A random occurrence..
A random feeling..
That tells you do something..
Only because you momentarily choose to..
With momentary reasoning..

I repeatedly placed excuses..
I repeatedly found reasoning..
I repeatedly created logic..
Just to avoid this situation at all costs..
I used my experiences as excuses..
I used my beliefs as reasoning..
I used my knowledge as logic..
And even then..
With the arsenal that I developed with my own two hands..
I denied it all in a single moment..
Just because of a 'new' whim..

My life has taken a different path..
All because I met 'new' individuals..
All because of a 'new' adventure I embarked on..
All because of a 'new' feeling I'm chasing..

Was it right that I did what I did?..
Do I have any regrets in doing so?..
Without hesitation my mind speaks out sternly..
With a single word.
No.
No regrets..
No remorse..
No rue..
Just.. Acceptance.
Acceptance of my decision in the moment.
My 'new' found whim.

In essence.. I am somewhat..
Somewhat glad I mentioned it to this person..
With the experiences of my five years accumulated to this moment.
I instantaneously gathered I could trust this person..
I instantaneously gathered that this person had true depth..
I instantaneously gathered this person could understand..
This time.. I didn't wait..
This time.. I did.
Without hesitation or thought stopping my motion.

It would seem that we've lived many similar experiences..
Many similar situations..
Many similar thought patterns..
But all the while living completely different lives.
With a nonchalant composure..
I never expected..
That even my expectations could be surpassed..
In all my years of reading the individuals around me..
I found very little surprise in my assumptions..
Let alone the positive.

Would I.. Could I.. Should I?
Run my life on this 'new' whim?..

Humanity..

For a time too long..
I have taught myself one lesson.
A lesson that stems from my experiences in life..
The stories I've listened to..
The people I've seen..
The many general actions people take..
To be human..
Is to be wrong.

And yet..
Of all places..
Right here on this planet we call Earth..
On the only country I could ever know thus far..
I found a person that has disproved all that I have learned.

To be human is to be selfish..
To be human is to be ignorant..
To be human is to be proud..
To be human is to be judgmental..
To be human is to be wrong..
Then, why is this person..
A person I've known for some time..
But only talked to now..
Going to such lengths to change me?..

I already convinced myself that there could..
Never ever be another like me in this world..
There could never be another 'human being' capable..
Capable of truly caring for another soul..
It's impossible..
Isn't it?..

And yet..
Despite all my efforts to prevent worry..
This person does it with minimal effort..
Although good and bad all at the same time..
Just maybe..
This world still has hope.
Maybe.. I still have hope.
Maybe.. It's not just me fighting..
Fighting alone.

Near..

Today becomes the final day of the month..
Spelling out the closeness of the lapping of an entire year..
An entire year from that day..
The day I stopped crying..
The day I stopped my emotions..
The day I felt betrayed forever..
The day everything changed for me.
I only hope I can last that long even still..
Time is the only factor here..
The time is near..

My guess though?..
Once the day comes..
Nothing will change for me..
I believe it's much too late..
With the possibility of only outside influence being the only remedy..
The me I am reverting to can only do so much..
I suppose I already gauged I wouldn't make my twenty year old year count..
Nor would I remain a changed man for long..
Perhaps I know a few more faces and a few more know me..
But without energy I can do so much.
I just hope something can change for the better..
But I suppose sleep draws nearer..
4am.. Yet again.

15 days..

Disbelief..

On a whim I simply stated I would engage in an act..
An act this person wished I would of always..
Maybe I should of remained from telling this individual..
Or maybe it was right too..
I just know now that things are going to be different for those involved now..
I actually made it clear the way I am..
Perhaps only extremely lightly as it doesn't seem possible to them still in m opinion..
With smile on face and laugh all round it just doesn't seem too believable right?..
I mean.. "You've always been the stone that everyone goes to for advice and depends on"..
Or something like that..
I mean when you put it that way it's clear how you see me..
Even more so when everyone involved agrees..
This is how I have always wanted everyone to see me forever..
A stone without crack..
A bottle without crack..
Just a wall out there to protect everyone..
I mean it is my job to right?..

I suppose I always placed an excuse on trusting these individuals..
Not because they weren't trustworthy..
But simply because it is in my nature too..
But then again with a certain individual..
I suppose I should of asked how how this person was first..
How her positioning in life suited her before I placed this on her.
As it stands that was always the intention..
To ask how this person was before allowing them to know how I was..
But I failed even that simple task..

There was so much that I wanted to say and could of said..
But I refrained from it as I expected..
At this point honestly speaking I am unsure as to whether it helped to release..
Perhaps considering the accumulation of not only my own..
But the accumulation of the problems of those around me..
That any release requires a large amount for it to work..
I suppose it isn't hard to say that five years of secrecy does accumulate quite nicely.
Not to say I'm not grateful to those that listened and attempted to offer comfort..
It was quite a happy thought to consider upon reaching home..
But still, I don't find myself believing it was right to not just yet anyways..
But as someone said I should of long ago anyways..
I know I should of..
I really do.
It's just ..
Well..
Hard.

I just didn't want anyone to think of me differently..
Perhaps that was clear from my decision to refrain from significant information.
I didn't want anyone there to stop coming to me for help..
It is the only thing in my life that makes sense right now..
Helping maintain or place smiles on the faces of those around me..
If I don't have that..
Then..
What do I have?..

I guess it goes to say I can understand myself somewhat..
If I never made it clear to a certain individual that I was 'ready' to share..
Then it would never of happened..
Not for a long time it seems.
I just can't believe I did it..

But before anything this individual that has helped me..
I can't begin to demonstrate the gratitude I actually possess for their actions..
I have met many individuals in my life that 'tried'..
But truthfully speaking those were efforts that required much refining..
I suppose those 'earnest eyes' really spoke out to me..
Something that a vast majority of humanity lacks..
So.. Thank you..
For being there..
You would be the first of your kind that I would of met in this life.
I only wish one day I could reciprocate the favor at least half as well....

Misplacement..

Under pressure and within presence..
I understand that I am considered to be an individual skilled in the art of literature..
However it seems I fall short within certain presences..
I possess the knowledge at hand..
However, it would seem I lack the knowledge to present the knowledge I possess..
I find myself trapped with this situation that is always there..
I tell myself every morning within this presence I will be different..
I will stand out..
I will be desired..
I will be everything.
And yet, I never execute and such action or maintain any such thought..
Only until after day's end does it occur to me this was meant to be my attempt..
But I fail under pressure and presence..
Clearly.

If I could be who I used to be around certain presences..
Then perhaps it would make things easier..
Unfortunately for me this is something I lost long ago..
It used to be so much easier..
But then again it always is..
Life is only meant to get harder as you progress..
I just never imagined I would still have nothing..
No true friend..
No true best friend..
Not true talent..
No true profession..
No true aspiration..
No true goal..
No true direction..
No true destination..
No true foundation..
Just..
Nothing.
At this point, I just don't know anymore whether or not I misplaced these things..
Or forever lost them..
Is it forever in me..
Or forever scattered and gone through the wind of the world.
I could be everything anyone wanted..
Given time I could be..
Or at least I would like to think so..
But not anymore.

Acceptance..

I have clearly accepted that I am no longer capable of my physical routines..
Physical routines that fall every Monday and every Wednesday..
One that I excelled at, a fact made clear even to my proud sibling and the entire class..
Teachers and all..
And yet, I can no longer participate because of long chronic injuries..
Because of pure exhaust and fatigue..
Because of pain despite my levels of tolerance that have exceeded my limitations..
Not that anyone knows..
Not that anyone even bothers to ask despite me hinting so clearly I want you to.
Even stating it, the fact seems to be ignored..
But it's only human to shun what you can't accept or comprehend right?..
A comprehension that I fall under.

Together as individuals there are many things in life we accept..
And it seems a vast majority of us have accepted the difference we now face in life..
The voids that are strongly present based off the cracks and separations shown..
The difficulties that people face and personal preferences that they hold..
Much like the fact, that all I have left but is the maintaining of current life.

But, just because humans accepted that I should be left be..
Should I really accept I have already reached my life's pinnacle at the early age of twenty?..
I tell myself not to..
But, my body and mind says otherwise..
Maybe even my heart beats in synchronization to this presented 'fact'..
I don't want to.. But perhaps I have to..
I just wish things could run a little differently..
But that is being selfish isn't it?..
So guess not.

Wanderings..

Complete suppression for the duration of an entire year completely.
I believe this prospect to be completely possible..
And, here I am achieving just that with literally days to follow as the month draws..
But, I didn't consider that I would require release everyday like I have..
In complete admittance..
The difficulty of the task ranks superior..
As I wasted the day away today achieving nothing..
Participating in nothing..
Being simply just that.
The still of night seemed to follow strong even in the sun's presence.
Thoughts flowed smoothly without hesitation..
Hindering proper enjoyment of the simplest of days.
My only thought?..
Tears.
Something I wish I cold shed.
Just simply shed a single tear..
But I'm convinced that were I to do so I wouldn't stop..

With tasks that require completion I find preference of pure wandering of the city streets..
At night by my lonesome..
With deadline in tomorrow and yet I remain in this position of thought and slow walking pace..
I have nothing to say..
Everything was meant to be due in tomorrow and yet I decided not to..
Simply because it was easier just not to..
My eyes started to truly blur hindering my sight making it hard to even see..
And yet I didn't give rest..
However, should any individual start a conversation I return to my surface self..
Instantly..
Almost as if the weight of my thoughts evaporated completely..
A smile on face like you have never seen..
Like I'm the happiest guy in the entire world.
But in the wandering of the streets on this lonely night..
I can't help but think it will always be like this..
Moon high in the sky..
My walking slowly through the city streets..
Always alone..
Forever..
Alone.

I believed I was past this stage already..
However staring purely at the wall for time periods I can no longer count says otherwise..
I find the importance in my life slipping quickly much like the existence of it..
I find my mistakes clearer than ever..
The good and the bad.
And, I find myself more confused and lost than ever before despite 'new' positivity.
I just know that release is something I truly desire even if it were to exist in complete moments.
Momentarily for a mere second.
That would perhaps be enough for me to live.
But, living is the last thing I seem to be capable of doing.
This depression of being I have engaged into for the past 5 years of my life..
It just seems futile to challenge..
Futile to continue to challenge..
But I must.
I understand that today is hard..
But tomorrow will change simply because it must.
Only I can cry for myself today.
Not that I can do even that..

21 days.

Efforts..

A relationship can be gauged by the effort of the individuals involved..
Be it a romantic relationship or simple friendship..
This is something that I learned quickly and with great ease..
However, the failure of this truth escapes my grasp just as quickly..
In terms of effort, when it comes down to it..
In the absence of modesty..
My ranking should be considered of the highest..
And yet, I fall short here receiving minimal return.
I've applied myself in manners humanly impossible..
Or rather humanly naive and purely dumb.
And yet, my return seems to only be ignorance.
Complete utter denial of existence despite the quantity and quality of efforts..
Both being something I offered in full..
Surrounded by substantial evidence the the truth of this 'effort' that I applied.
Efforts that I applied in practically every connection I shared with those that filled my life..
Efforts that people didn't deserve..
Efforts that people did deserve..
And yet it was simply one of the many traits I endeavored to maintain..
Purely out of despise for not because it was humanly not to.

It isn't difficult to grasp where my distrust stems from..
However, it is also just as clear that my constant exposure to this occurrence plays strong..
Demanding nothing and offering everything..
Expecting nothing but filling constant expectations all the while..
Much like a brick wall with only the job to stand strong without crack..
To defend without fall..
And, to stand with undying conviction.

I almost want to say it is unfair..
But that's just not me to..
It is almost laughable that such an individual like myself can even exist..
But I suppose it was my wish to live outside human realms..
Including the human positives that exist in life.

Drive out to city despite exhaust..
Requiring a two hour nap..
And yet, all I could muster was a complete lie to mask this fact.
Yet, this was all done for you..
But, somehow I fail to see the appreciation of the attempt.
An understanding that this individual should of known..
Or would of.
Perhaps.. I'm being more harsh today.
But I suppose this is one of many cracks to appear and seal..
Only visible here and to myself.

I know I try..
But, well yeah.
Let's just say I would never give up on any of you ever.

Speechless..

"Importance is not demonstrated in the quantity or quality of words shared but instead the least words shared."
-Robin Tey

I'm still in awe over the possibility of the present occurrences taking in place in my life..
By all rights, at this point it should be all but impossible..
With the steps I took..
The paths I walked..
The thoughts I conceived..
And the actions I executed..
I should never of been in this situation..
It doesn't make sense that I could possibly be..
When I put all my effort into avoiding it..
I'm not questioning or denying it..
Just..
Incapable of understanding how.
I won't push it away..
Simply because I just can't..
I just know I want it to continue on a more positive path from here..
For me..
For us..
Selfishly as it is..
Human as it is..
I just can't help it..

It is here that I partake in acts I never would..
Saying things I never would..
Seeing things I never would..
Accepting and just simply executing actions I never would..
Spending my time here, is all I want despite the risks involved..
Maintaining this routine of mine despite the toll that it takes on me..

I really believed that there wouldn't be opportunity for me to be nervous..
For me to have to consider so many options in such a limited time duration..
For me to show dedication to this specific area once again in my life..
For me to be..
Speechless.

I don't know if this is positive or negative at this point..
Or if it is even possible..
I just know that this is one opportunity that I can't let slip.
I have never allowed myself to believe that fate was a true word..
But that day.. During those three days..
Something quite difficult to happen did.
And, it just seems to me..
Perhaps fate was telling me to take this new presented opportunity..
Despite the difficulty it seems to entail I can't help but believe it is worth the effort..
I just don't want to be speechless..
'Maybe if I could avoid singing with my nose?..'
But I guess no one would really understand that.

I am speechless at heart..

Continuation

Without failure..
Yesterday has come to return into the realms of today..
Come home on precisely for 'sleeping time'..
Wake up early in the morning to drive or be driven..
Attempt the completion of tasks in record time to see certain individual/individuals..
Once this possibility occurs..
The next task is the remaining of positions until closing hours..
Quite simple..
But it is more than possible of keeping me entertained..
At personal costs..

It is true that I have truly learned to suppress all pessimistic thoughts..
As pessimistic an individual I may truly be..
Only until the dreaded still of the night..
However until then I can clearly see the focuses of the day..
Bright as day..
Despite the moons' altitude.
It is more than easy to be able to claim this to be 'fun' with truth behind it as well..
But I can't help but think that one day I just won't be able to continue this trend..
One day it will be too hard for me to continue this trend and lifestyle of mine..
One day, I just won't be able to..
Even most probably in the near future..

Is it worth a true smile or two during the day?..
Do I of all people have to always continue to engage in sacrifices..
Even just for the smallest step forward..
And for all the steps backwards I have already taken..
All the leaps behind I took with each new day..
Is it worth it despite me understanding that it truly is already much too late..
For me, doing this for myself..
Am I really doing it this way or just continuing another fashion of a detrimental act..
All I know is that I have intentions of continuation in mind..
With all the questions I hold and ask..
The only one asking..
The only one listening..
The only one answering..
Is me.
No outside influence..
No one else but me..
To continue.. Forever onwards..

Depletion..

Today seemed like a day much like yesterday..
Although the prospect of this isn't a problem within my mind..
Meeting individual or individuals that play a strong part on my life now..
Where I desire their company which is still too 'new' to me to comprehend..
However in truth..
It is the complications that follow and the toll that it takes on me..
I've fallen into a routine that should of been avoided at all costs..
Where my body no longer receives a moment's true break..
My eyes fall on paper and screen at all times..
My hands grip pencil or pen at all times..
My sleep is drained of all it's glory and reduced to minimal hours..
Beyond that of before..
Bringing about the worsening of an already bad habit..
My mornings come early and quick..
And much like the passing of time during present time..
My energy reserves quickly deplete..

Unfortunately this reality showed itself during what could be considered the worse of moments..
Considering past promises that were made to individuals that are no longer in my life..
This was a promise made to an individual that made a clear impact on my life..
And, with this promise as the remaining present memory I hold..
It is one I must uphold..
One that states that I shall never forsake the existence of my life.
However, as I drove home today..
Uncontrolled and unintentional sleep quickly followed..
Resulting in the holding of traffic..
The swaying of driving..
And many abrupt brakes to avoid collision..
In many ways this could be considered a sign to attempt my conquest to beat insomnia..
Or perhaps, this is just life telling me this is all I have.
The only thing I understand is that I just don't have what it takes anymore..
And I despise it completely..

I am depleted at heart..

Still Night..

I awake every morning with only thoughts of tire..
I endure every afternoon with only thoughts of work to be done..
I arrive every evening with only thoughts of the day past and gone..
But, it is during this still night full of thoughts of the day past and gone that scares me the most..
Much like the rise and fall of the sun..
Much like the disappearance and reappearance of the moon..
I too fall victim to these transitions of life..
A smile to face wherever my travels take me..
A laugh to face whoever I engage in conversation with..
But, it is when I am alone..
With nothing but screen and self separating me from the world I live..
I achieve nothing here..
I achieve only tire, fatigue and self infliction only here..
I refuse to sleep for reasons I can no longer comprehend..
In my acts of insomnia my fatigue and tire only evolve..
And still, this is only evident to myself.
There is no one that knows..
There is no one that can..
I just know that in the still of this night..
Much like every night before..
Nothing seems to be right in the world.
Not one bit of it..
For all the smiles and laughs that I can carry..
For all the smiles and laughs that everyone carries in my life..
The fragility of them is too real..
They last only temporarily..
But despite this truth..
It has undoubtedly become my job to rectify this world issue.
Starting right here and now where I live..
If only I could conquer the still of the night..
Then perhaps this job of mine wouldn't present itself so dauntingly to me.

In the compendium of thoughts that I have managed to summon..
Only possible within the calm of the night..
I step out of shadows embrace perhaps only for a moment.
Allowing mistakes past to present itself in its' glory..
In complete visibility for only my eyes to see..
For all the pain of these moments of failure..
I just know that tears is the last thing I should shed..
I guess the only word that truly comes to mind now is..
"I don't know.."

Still of the night, if for one day in my life you could disappear..
Like the 'three days' that I have treasured that have gone and past..
Then perhaps..
Sleep could find me..
Then perhaps..
I could chase away tire and fatigue..
Then perhaps..
I could shed a tear or two on the lines of joy..
And finally.. I could even move forward one step..
Instead of forever backwards..
But I suppose at this point it's already far too late for me.
Even I realize that in all my naivety.
I just want to be someone..
But I guess this is someone that I will be tomorrow..
And forever onwards..

Even if that someone asked if I imagined myself changing one day..
In all the hesitation I initially showed..
The answer was certainly within the depths of my mind..
No matter how quickly I needed to search..
The answer found me.

Limited..

"Limitations are undoubtedly what make us human."
-Robin Tey

I have always seen life without limitation..
Simply because this has always been the way I have tried to live..
Simply because this has always been the greatest lesson I thought I could ever teach myself..
Should and obstacle physical or mental present itself to me..
My first step would be the assess the limitation present..
Subsequently followed by the advancement of the bar of limitation..
Not a simple step further.. Not even just two steps..
But a complete leap forward..
To a destination without a footing of it's own..
To those, who know me surface present..
Understand that I am an individual who is in actuality incapable of understanding limitations..
I've always presented myself to exert myself to insurmountable lengths..
I've always presented myself to constantly perform impossible feats..
I've always presented myself to demonstrate conviction unheard of..
I've always presented myself to show optimism that shouldn't exist..
I've always presented myself to possess knowledge through experiences I have yet to have..
I've always presented myself to be a being without said 'limits'.
But, for all the people I manage to impress..
Physically..
Mentally..
For all the times I have told myself limitations are for the weak..
Limitations don't exist in my realm..
I find myself reaching said limitations already..
In the short time I have lived I have found a true limitation in myself..
And it is this physical limitation that has hindered my mental and emotional limitations..

Today, for the first time ever.. I found myself incapable of performing..
Physically performing like I always have to impress those around me..
Kicking and punching at speeds that have always impressed everyone..
Exercising at speeds and exerting numbers that were literally top of the class..
And yet, today.. I found myself incapable of kicking and punching without tiring immediately..
I performed kicks without power..
Punches without power..
All that filled my mind was limitations..
The limitations that showed through in my tire..
At that point all I desired was to stop and to go home already..
All I see from this is the disappointment in myself that I have always tried to avoid..
The one thing I thought I could stay away from..
Being weak..
But I guess even through all my efforts this will always be all that I have to show..
The weak being that I will always be..
Full of impossibility..
And incapability..
In all honesty.. I can't imagine where I will be in the future..
Not the next second.. Not tomorrow.. Not next week.. Next month.. Or in ten years..
There is no image of where I will stand..
Who will be in my life..
Or whether or not I could possibly survive ten more years as I am now.. Truthfully..

I am limited at heart..

Non-Fiction..

"Sometimes, a lie can be the greatest truth you'll ever hear."
-Robin Tey

In complete honesty where I stand today..
I have absolutely no clue where I am..
Where I was ..
Or..
Even, where I am going..
I just know that things seem so much different now..
So much more real..
The reality that I have to make something of myself..
The reality that one day I have to be someone..
And, that the time is drawing closer..
But even now as I am..
I have nothing to show for it..
And no one to show it to..

This is my reality..
My non-fiction..
My truth..
For every path I could of taken in life..
It's true that I'm not walking the worse of paths..
Perhaps, I have my absurd levels of self-control to thank for that..
Or perhaps, my hate for human characteristics..
I just know, that for all the wants of abandoning all my work..
Abandoning all those in my life..
For the little numbers they exist in..
I still have no true direction in life..
I still have no true individual that I can confide in..
I still have no true self to show..
I still have no truth.
I am simply an embodiment of lies.
Lies for me..
Lies for you..
Lies for us..
Lies for them..
Lies for all..

I am a liar at heart...

Advancing Deficiency..

Barely over one week has advanced since then..
And still.. I can see how far I have come on the surface..
Forced into the social environments that I constantly am now..
I find myself functioning.. 'humanly'..
Making somewhat of an impact..
Getting people together..
Talking to people..
Making them laugh and laughing with them..
Like I am 'normal'..
It doesn't feel right.. But I can do it more so that I used to be able..
Socially I have become more capable..
And, it became evident.. Especially on my departure..
When I was leaving I was thinking of doing it quietly..
However, instead everyone turned towards me..
Saying their goodbyes loudly..
But not just an individual or two..
But, the entire collection of people..
Acknowledging my presence..
And acknowledging that in my disappearance goodbyes had to be exchanged..
Until the next meet..
This is something that has not happened for a long time..
And in admittance I truly enjoyed it and cherished that small moment..

However something I wasn't even aware of was made visible by a certain individual I trust..
More so than most.. Because this person knows about me in greater details than most..
Admittedly not enough.. But still enough at the same time..
Her words spoke of me appearing to her as obviously sad..
Showing signs of being clearly sad..
However to my knowledge the only thing I ever showed was smiles and laughter..
But to this individual it would appear that I was evidently more sad than I have ever showed..
In essence the individual isn't wrong..
However to me.. I demonstrated only what could be seen as happy..
But, the observer would typically have the correct image in this case..
Demonstrating that perhaps my subconscious with the 'new' feelings as they are..
Are perhaps slowly taking over..

As I gradually reach today's end I find myself..
Dwelling in this uncontrolled sadness that the individual spoke of..
And even more so to my surprise I am admitting it through a public medium..
As opposed to directly enshrouding the fact in mystery as I typically would.
But, with each new word that I express forward I find myself..
Slowly coming back to reality and becoming stable as I was once..
So perhaps this medium is necessary to maintain levels of sanity..
Until perhaps one year has passed..
Only time can tell once again..
Until then..
I have to try to be more sociable..
And still hide my feelings..
I have to try to defeat my feelings and control them..
And understand them more..
For all that I have to do..
I know, that as much as time is the greatest factor..
I no longer hold the option of giving up at this point..
Especially now that it is more than clear to someone how I am..
Especially now that I have begun to give chase knowing what is to happen tomorrow..
Knowing that I despise being weak..
More so than anything else at this point..

Feelings..

I am more than aware of where I stand in this world..
Within the realms of darkness and light..
I know my standing.. I know position..
And I have never argued with it..
Not for a long time now..
But, to think that feelings the one thing I disregarded and discarded..
These feelings that are starting to surface now are standing in my way..
The one thing I learned so hard to eradicate and ignore like they never existed..
I can feel again.. Just that bit more than I could yesterday..
And, the day before that..
I don't understand how this is possible..
Perhaps I can connect the pieces..
But even I never believed that it would be enough..
To think that.. I could feel again.. Not just for individuals in my life..
But to feel towards life happenings..
To consider things in relations to myself the way I am now..
I don't understand why I am feeling like this again..
I haven't for so long..
For.. 338 days..
Despite only having 27 days remaining..

Attempts..

Slowly.. But surely words seem to escape my mind..
All I know is that for all the controlled thoughts that leave my mind in the form of words..
Words that I can grasp..
What replaces them is confusion..
Thoughts that I have no control over..
Thoughts too much to handle right now..
In my current state..
In my exhaustion..
Arriving on location to where I am..
I am literally incapable of retracing the steps that physically took to get there..
As was Tuesday..
I failed to remember how I got to the restaurant I arrived at..
Despite having only 'just' sat down..
I'm not too sure if I should be concerned..
I only know this strong lack of memory is becoming a problem..
But, I suppose all I can do is attempt to remember with the best that I can..

Despite this hindering.. I know, that it isn't stopping me from my attempts to give chase..
I only know it is making it hard..
But, I have always been the individual that has thrived upon challenges right?..

I can't help but admit I showed excitement throughout the day in the hopes..
The hopes that something I planned might happen..
To see a certain individual.

Chase..

I've experienced a multitude of surprises that have left me guessing..
Guessing to the origin..
Guessing to the reasoning..
Guessing to the consequences to follow..
But, one I never expected was that I would give chase..
So quickly.. So early..
Even my mind says it is too early..
But, somehow.. This person..
This single person.. Has managed to capture my attention..
Longer than most do these days..
Keeping a smile on my face..
Keeping a laugh on my face..
Just like she used to..
The same way she did when I was in the so called darker state..
I was convinced that people like these could no longer exist in my world..
And yet.. This person.. Is completely differently from the last..
Practically in every way.. And yet.. It works.
I really have no clue where to go from here..
But even if I am telling myself not to..
Even if I am trying not to..
I know I already am.. Even now..
Everyone that was there..
Everyone regarded and categorized as 'new' knows..
And surely.. But surely eventually more and more people are learning..
Except for the one I'm giving chase.
But.. I have got to admit.. I am happy to give chase..

However.. After today.. For all the fun that was had..
For all my smiles and my laughs..
Another unpredicted event took place..
The collection of my thought conceiving themselves the way they did..
Without my permission..
I have been nonchalantly in control of my thoughts for so long..
But for them to conceive the thoughts they did..
The origin or possibility truly escapes me..
I need to trust this person one day and in return they need to trust me..
But, with all these 'new' faces and old faces..
It's more than clear to me I still have a long way to go..
I am no longer the trusting type..
Only the trusted type instead..
But, can I change in time for this to work out..
Not even I can tell..
No one can..
I just know I want to tell someone..
To tell more people..
Only, so they can help..
I am trying to get help..
It has only been a few days but surprises like these..
I could never of predicted..
I don't know what is happening to me..
I don't even know if it is good or bad..
I just know it is happening..

I'm chasing this person..
I'm chasing my new feelings..
I am chasing this new world without hesitation or regret..
Once more.. I am.. living.

Exhasut.. Continuation..

Never thought it would such a strong toll on me..
This new found exhaustion..
But it's becoming more evident the more I physically strain myself..
At this point.. Even I don't know how long I can last anymore..
Mentally.. Perhaps I have changed..
But I know physically I have a long way to come before I have evolved into who I want..
My only path is forward..
My only option.. Is to, continue.

'New' Continuation..

I never imagined that I would be able to carry it on..
So successfully..
So smoothly..
So swiftly..
But I have.. And I will continue to do so from here on out..

Seeing the same faces I saw just three days ago..
And, only a small quantity of them..
It became even more obvious to me that I have changed..
I found myself talking instead of listening..
I found myself trusting instead of being trusted..
Saying things I never would of normally..
Even if it was something so small..
So miniscule.. And admittedly probably never even picked up on..
Even if it was too disguised to acknowledge..
I said it..
And, I know it wasn't an accident that I did..
This 'new' feeling that's running away..
I will keep chasing it.

Today, despite the monetary costs just for food..
I had a lot of laughs.. It.. Was fun.

Exhaust..

I have never truly learned the meaning of self-care..
I have an appetite equivalent to a black hole as I've been constantly reminded..
Yet, it's comprised of nothing but meat..
I have pushed myself everyday with exercises that cause me to collapse on the spot..
That cause me to bleed and shake uncontrollably..
Regardless of time.. Whether in the evening at 7pm..
Or at 5am after just getting home..
I have never slept early..
Something that everyone already knows..
Ever since college I've let the bad habit come in between my personal health..
Spending my time looking after my friends regardless of time..
I have refused to drink energy drinks..
I have refused to drink coffee..
Relying completely on my own strength to stay up..
Even today this routine continues..

But, I have never been like this before..
I have never stopped in the middle of an exercise routine abruptly just to take a breather..
I have never not finished my designated routine..
I have never fallen asleep behind the wheel nearly crashing into a car, with a passenger..
I have never found exercise so difficult or my reactions and movements so slow and sluggish..
I have never replied so lazily or shared so little words when at home..
I have never gotten cold so quickly before..
I have never had heavy eyes from morning to night like this before..

But this pattern will probably never change..
I will only feel more exhaust from this point probably..
Exercise more..
Eat more meat..
Eat less vegetables..
Help more people..
Stay up later..
Wake up earlier..

But, this isn't my way of saying I need to give up..
But rather.. A reminder to myself.. That this is my limit..
And I have to surpass it somehow still..
I.. Need to keep fighting this to get stronger..
I need to be stronger..
Not for me.. But everyone..
That way.. I know I will fight that much harder.

Feather..

The freedom I once felt seems so far away..
Even when barely any time has passed..
And, I can't help but feel the toll it has taken on me already..
I miss it..
I miss me..
I miss them..
Everyone there.. Everything there.. Even myself, there..
Why?..
Because.. I was remembered.. I was depended completely on..
With full one hundred percent faith..
Without question..
And, I could see it.
I was something I have never been before..
Strong..
Following the winds of freedom understanding that while I was there..
Nothing could stop me from being the me who I have always dreamed to be..
Doing everything..
Doing anything..
Being everything..
Being anything..
Letting my heart speak.
I held absolutely no hesitation in my words or actions..
I held no regrets in my words or actions..
I trusted every individual there to see who I was..
Even.. If no one could see the difference I could see it..
And, I could feel it.
I can't help but miss it.. Already.
Like a feather dancing freely in the wind..
The winds have blown me past desires home..

New Living..

Home.. Somewhere I just refuse to be right now..
It just seems so unreal being back after something like that..
I remember it so clearly even now..
Every second of it..
Every minute of it..
Every hour of it..
I just want to hold onto it..
And all I could wish for right now is to go back..
It couldn't of gone better..
I was everything I wanted to be..
Did everything I wanted to do..
And, I was even stupid just for that moment.
The 'new' feeling, it's still here staying right by my side and I don't even know how..
The people there.. I just don't feel the same without being around them..
Talking to them.. Having fun with them..
It just doesn't feel right that time has gone on..
And, if anything.. My prediction was one hundred percent correct..
This road trip probably did mean more to me than anyone else..
Everyone misses it..
But, probably never as much as I will..
For the first time ever I got to be someone different..
Carefree..
Nothing but fun on the mind..
Forgetting all my worries and actually being happy for once..
Smiling.. Cause I wanted to..
Laughing.. Cause I wanted to..

I drove at 160km/h..
I drove someone elses' car..
I climbed up the mountain..
I woke up at 7.30am after sleeping at 4am to jog and run around for 3 hours..
I organized the road trip..
I drank energy drinks..
I drank alcohol..
I followed my feelings of the moment..
I met a wild seal for the first time..
I tried to swim with it..
I was drunk/tipsy for the first time ever..
I cuddled with someone cause they said they were cold.. And, I only just met them..
I experienced the fun sugar high like I did as a kid.. Non-stop abs hurting laughter..
I laughed like I meant it..
I smiled like I meant it..
I tackled someone down into the water for fun..
I spent all night talking to someone by the barbeque..
I drank shots of 40% if anything.. Willingly playing a drinking game..
I took 8.07 gigs of videos and photos..
I drove on a road trip over a long distance..
I jumped across rocks bare foot like the world didn't matter..
I shouted around like no one was around..
I missed a work deadline (which I'm not proud of)..
I randomly brushed my teeth in a room with someone I just met..
I Fixed a broken toilet (sigh..)..
I Woke up at 7.30am to clean a house..
I Drove somewhere where I had no clue at all where I was..
I Walked into an adult shop..
I Went grocery shopping with one other person for everyone..
I Bought $40 alcohol..
I Slept top bunk..
I Sang and rapped like I meant it..
I Joined in the photos happily like I was supposed to be there..
I Played pranks on people with friends..
I Took a video of those pranks..
I Did things without hesitation just cause someone said to 'just once'..
I Paid for everything like I had infinite money..
I Drove around on a whim trying to find places..
I Visited an op shop for the first time..
I Pat a random cat that I didn't even know..
I Coma'd out with someone else after drinking..
I Crawedl up the stairs drunk..
I The stumbled down the stairs drunk..
I ate candy for breakfast.. Lunch.. And dinner.. Along with the actual food..
I Collapsed in front of the toilet door after drinking..
I Got kicked in the head and hand got stepped on after collapsing in front of the toilet..
I did many other things we also said to to keep at Tauranga only and amongst us..
(What happens in Tauranga stays in Tauranga)
I Visited somewhere that I have never been before...
I lived..

I just can't forget this trip no matter how hard I try and all I want to do is go back..
Go back to being someone I never was..
Go back to having fun in a place I have never been..
Do things that I have never done..
Be with people that I have never been with..
Just being comfortable with who I was..
Where I was..
With who I was with..
Just living.
Like I have always dreamed of..
Living.

To everyone on the Tauranga Road Trip 2011.. Mt. Maunganui... Thank you =]
For the first smile this blog has ever seen from me..
You will never know how much this has meant to me..
Because from today onward.. I will 'forever' be different.

Being able to say 'forever'..
Running on these 'new' feelings..
Knowing these 'new' people..
And even thinking of trusting these 'new' people..
I can't be the same person I was three days ago.
I won't.
I will keep my dream and who I am today.

New Chapter..

I can almost say that I have waited an eternity for a day much like today..
A road trip that has to be different from any other..
With the people that gave me the 'new' feeling..
the 'new' feeling that tells me to go with the flow..
I can't help but think that.. I have to be more than just different on this trip..
Maybe by the end of things this road trip will end up meaning more to me than anyone else..
I have to go into this thing as a new person..
Around people that have yet to know who I really am..

I have to do things that I would never do back in Auckland..
I have to think ways that I would never think back in Auckland..
I have to act ways that I never would act back in Auckland..
I have to be 'new'.
I know I will enjoy it if I do just that..
I want to remember this trip for the rest of my days..
For the rest of my life..
Meeting old faces or 'face' in this case that I haven't seen in so many years..
The new faces I only just met this year..
The new faces I only just met a few days prior..
The new faces I have yet to meet..
If I come out of this road trip.. Different then.. I know I've done something right..
Something right with the start of the next 'new' twenty years of my life.
Before this trip ends.. I have to do something stupid.
Just this once.
No regrets..
Just once.
Just pure stupid fun..

Three hours until I need to get up..
Three hours until my life could possibly change forever..
No holding back.

New..

Four times.. In a row.. I've been the four balls each time with different faces..
Happy faces.. People greeting.. People meeting..
And I did the same..
Sitting in a table with the same people that I will be seeing in one day..
Getting to know them better..
I can't help but feel that meeting these new faces.. I feel a little bit different.
I mean I always knew these people existed..
But I don't know why..
I don't know how..
And I can't put my finger on it..
But just talking to these people I can't help but feel..
Something is supposed to change from today onwards..
Seeing these happy faces..
These people saying the same about my own (happy) face..
I don't understand this feeling..
But I know I haven't felt like this for so long..
If I ever have even felt like this for a while..
Being remembered.. I guess for now we can call it that.
New as it is..
I know I don't want to let this feeling slip me by.
Perhaps it's an opportunity with only 41 days to go.
Like I used to always say..
Back when I meant it.
Go with the flow.
No consequences..
No repercussions..
Just the flow.
Like the summer days of days long past.
New feeling..

Questions..

I need to change who I am..
Inside and out..
I know I have adopted this dream..
And still even now I know I have no intentions of dropping it..
And I can never let myself drop it either..
But I can't help but think I'm becoming more and more lonely as time goes on..
The people around me grow more in numbers..
But it seems my participation is growing less in effort..
So many new faces..
But none that will remember my name by the end of the night..
I try going out..
I try to be different..
But after so long is it really so easy as to just being able to do it on the spot?
I know I have to be a different person..
But how?..
Am.. I really so weak that I don't have to capacity to change?
Shouldn't a person in complete control of their emotions..
Be able to change how they want?
When they want?
To who they want?
And still..
This is all I am..
No matter who I meet..
No matter how many more people I meet..
No matter how many more people I help..
I can't change this no matter how much I want to..

I want to be different.. Just why.. What do I need to help me change?..
Once my life ends.. I don't want to be the one saying that I don't want to be who I am now..
Once my life ends.. I don't want to keep regretting everything like I do now..
I want to be able to live my life without regret..
Helping everyone still..
And, keeping my dream to help still..

Today.. I came out trying to be different..
But, nothing change..
I'm still the same person..
I'm still just as bad as always..
And I just can't socialize like I used to..
Everytime.. Seeing that person..
I just can't help but feel anger in amongst my dead feelings..
Even if I don't show it at all..
Knowing that you can give a person everything..
Be there for them to the end..
And all he can do is betray you with the people that meant most in your life.
I don't think I want to come out knowing it will be like this all the time.

Confusion is all I am..
I started using this blog as a medium for my thoughts..
Shrouding them in mystery..
Keeping meanings hidden amongst words..
Making what I had to say hard to decipher..
But it's not hard to see the further I go..
The more I show here..
Maybe.. Just maybe it's a sign showing that I'm becoming more unstable..
Or maybe.. I'm just getting weaker..

Unpredicted..

I don't really know how to phrase this myself anymore..
But, I suppose the disappointments came in faster than I ever predicted..
However.. There was one thing that I never accounted for..
I never expected that I would feel a little bit of happiness by today's end..
Especially after all the emotions that I lost.. I really.. Surprised myself.
I tried my best to hide the fact that the first twenty years of my life were over..

But some people really just went out of their way to make yesterday count..
Seeing a friend I never see, spending time with her and getting the first present..
And, opening it just really let me see how much she remembered when I talked..
Though I doubt she'd ever read this..

A friend of mine going out of her way to say happy birthday..
Even though we lost contact a long time ago through a strong falling out..
One of the bigger surprises of the day..

The collection of people that attacked me with birthday wishes..
Despite yesterday being another typical coaching day in my head..

The second birthday present from another friend that I should probably talk to more..

The birthday wish attempts at 12am on the dot..
Didn't really think anyone would even all the way from Wellington..

But I guess one thing I expected was that..
Even before my birthdays end..
I was there having to talk people through their troubles yet again..
Spending effort on my birthday despite those people wishing me a good birthday..
I still had to be there to comfort them and make them feel better..
On the day I needed to feel better the most..
But I expected this as much so truthfully I'm not surprised..
Just more disappointment in the long run..

Twenty years have come and gone.. And it's now a new era for me.
I just might need to live this one up this time.

Expectations..

One day left..
Everything I have done for these years will show through this moment..
Or so I think.
For all the expectations in the world that I have tried to create for myself..
I'm telling myself this time in particular I shouldn't be having any..
More so recently anyways..
But I suppose time is the only thing standing in the way..
In a way..
This could make or break how I come to think for a long time after this.
Something so simple..
But, it will definitely show me something I want to see..
Something, I need to see.
One day.

Test..

I have only a few days left..
Of the the so called 'best days' of my life..
And yet I just think I wasted it completely..
It's kinda sad in a way..
Even I can admit it..
And all I have to show is regret after regret after regret..
And, I don't even know why..
I gave my best to everyone in my life..
I gave my all in all that I tried to do..
But, I suppose it's maybe it cause I never gave myself the best?..
Unfortunately though.. With so little time left..
I'll never have the chance to catch up..
I'll never have to chance to know..
I'll only ever feel the regret of my young life forever to come.
But.. No tears for.. At least 48 days..
It's too bad those 48 days have to include the 30th..
But, I know I have to make it just to test myself.. That much is true.

Dreamworld..

I used to love sleeping didn't I?..
Now that I remember..
Getting that excitement to just go to sleep..
Heading off to the dream world like that..
Because, the best part was I would always wake up..
And, straight after I would remember the whole dream..
I would be able to wake up whenever I wanted during the dream..
And, at times I would even know if I was dreaming..
I would even say to myself.. "this is a dream"
It used to be a world I had complete control over..
And I loved it.
But now.. I'm lucky to even remember a portion of the dream..
I know I've been dreaming..
It's a feeling that just can't escape my body..
But I never know what about anymore..
And, if by that slim chance I remember my dream..
By the day's end I would have already forgotten it..
Completely..

It makes me wonder if this is only because I've lost my dream..
Replacing it with a dream not my own?..
A dream for the world..
A dream against me..
I suppose it's an answer I'll never get.

Patience..

Somehow.. This used to be a day I look forward to every year without hesitation..
But, now.. Looking at it I don't understand how I ever could..
I mean.. I do plenty every year for those around me..
And, if there was ever a time to demonstrate gratitude this would be it..
Right?..
But.. Why am I so scared of this day now..
The only image placed in my head is the disappointment of the day..
Replacing excitement entirely.
In essence I should expect this pattern of thoughts by now..
If, for even a second I was honest..
I would know that this was my fault entirely..
Until now, today on this very day I have yet to even call anyone my best ......
And, it's not without reason I suppose..
I've completely refused every opportunity..
Denied every opportunity..
Despite how many times it's revealed itself to me with a different face..
If anything, it could of been anyone in my life..
But I just don't have the capacity for trust anymore..
I guess I have yet to grasp the idea of letting any true emotion slip..
Even today..
I guess..
I.. Just want to give every reason to be trustworthy..
But, even I think it's unfair to not trust in return..
So I guess all I can do is wait it out..
After all.. I told myself I had to last at least one year..
and, until then.. I wouldn't give up.
After one year.. Then, I'll see how far I have come as a person.
I only have to last 50 more days right?..

Young..

"Age has always been how we measured experience in the world.. But it doesn't come down to how long you've been around but instead, how much you've been around with the very steps that you take in the world."
-Robin Tey

Honestly speaking.. After twenty years.. I really haven't lived that long at all..
But after twenty short years.. It's not too hard for me to grasp the world we live in..
As humans, we're still far too young to probably even walk this earth..
Let along exist in this universe that we can barely comprehend..
We're not ready..
I'm.. Not ready.. Not yet.
There's still too much in life to do when it's so short..
But one thing I do know is that I'll finish my dream before then.
I'll make the world recognize me..
Not for me as a person.. But my actions alone..
It will be the example the world learns from and lives on..
This young world, in complete naivety will grow into something big.
And, I'll be there.. The whole way no matter what I have to do.
I promised myself, and everyone else I would despite how hard it gets..
I will.. I have to. If I don't.. Who else would? Am I right?
I'll become the best at what I do if it's the last thing I'll do..
I'll be brave..
I'll be strong..
I'll be trustworthy..
I'll be dependable..
I'll be capable..
I will be everything in this world.
Just watch me.. No matter how much I complain..
How much I want to cry.. Shout.. No matter how much it hurts..
Or what emotions befall me.. For this young world..
Because no one else can.. I'll fix it.
I'll create the real idea of friendship, that will last forever.
Something that will keep flying through the clouds.. Past the stars.. And, over the horizon.
Watch me shine..

I'm still young at heart...

Impulse?

If I didn't now.. I know I never would any day tomorrow and after..

Confessions

Someone once told me a story of man who died, having never lived once.
Living in complete secrecy his entire life away from what he could of been.
Simply because he held hesitation of heart.. Everyday.
Simple.. Because he could never confess.
Confess to his feelings, regrets, sorrows and pains..
And, he lived life to the end in this one way.
It made sense to me that this was a life 'Un-lived.'
Unnatural.

The reasoning behind the telling of the story was crystal clear to the both of us..
But, my mind even now has still not yet accepted the idea..
Maybe, only a little bit more now down the track..
Even if I've known it all along..
I doubt I could ever accept it..
Not as I am now..
Not as I was yesterday..
And, not as I will be tomorrow..

I know it.. Everyone knows it.. But, it's only a topic in my absence..
My existence.. In it's complete entirety is a mystery the world will never know it seems..
To my family.. To my friends.. And, even more so to myself..

Moments exist as fleeting lapses of time that fill our very lives..
And within these moments exist opportunities..
Finite stepping ladders that exist in a temporary state..
Offering only a higher ground in life..
By absolute logic, it's only natural to understand the necessary executable actions..
Everyone is blessed with these offerings within their lifetime repeatedly..
Beyond numeral possibilities..
I've ensured that the people around me grasp these offerings tightly..
Never, to let them go..
Never, to let them pass..
Never, to let them regret never having taken them..
And, yet here I sit.. Here I stand.. Here I lie..
Having never taken one for myself..

I've been given so many..
Too many..
And yet, I've refused them.. Denied them.. Ignored them..
Simply because I've integrated this lifestyle into my mental state..
Into the depths of my heart..
Everyday... Just once.. I wish I could tell someone.. Anyone..
How I feel..
Tell them who I really am..
What I am really am..
Five years is too long..
Physically.. Mentally.. I've endured perhaps nothing at all in comparison to the rest..
But, to me.. If I could just have a break it would be enough..
I've spent everyday dedicated to those around me..
Helping them everyday, never faltering once..
Ignoring every trace of emotion..
No matter how sad I am that day..
No matter how angry I am that day..
It never mattered because it was me..

But, right now just maybe.. If I could confess..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel all these lapses of chest pain on my left side..
Directly where my heart is.. I tell myself it's not my heart hurting..
But, when I lay my hand there, it's never beat faster..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel all this back pain when I'm just trying to better myself..
Directly hindering me from being able to climb out of bed.. I tell myself it's just coincidence..
But, it only happens when I'm in this state..
During lapses of blissful happiness short lived as they are..
I never felt a thing, my back pain was non-existent..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to push myself despite all these pains..
Collapsing everyday from forcing myself to physically do better..
Like I'm telling myself I'm not good enough..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to push myself through more pain..
Bleeding every time I try to physically do better..
Like I'm telling myself my effort is real..

If you're out there.. Whoever you are, Give me a reason to live..
One for my own..
I'm sorry if you've given me the opportunity to confess..
And if I never took it..
Even when you tried so hard..
But unfortunately.. I'm too broken to make it easy..
Even if my goal is the world..

I'm hesitant at heart...