Confessions

Someone once told me a story of man who died, having never lived once.
Living in complete secrecy his entire life away from what he could of been.
Simply because he held hesitation of heart.. Everyday.
Simple.. Because he could never confess.
Confess to his feelings, regrets, sorrows and pains..
And, he lived life to the end in this one way.
It made sense to me that this was a life 'Un-lived.'
Unnatural.

The reasoning behind the telling of the story was crystal clear to the both of us..
But, my mind even now has still not yet accepted the idea..
Maybe, only a little bit more now down the track..
Even if I've known it all along..
I doubt I could ever accept it..
Not as I am now..
Not as I was yesterday..
And, not as I will be tomorrow..

I know it.. Everyone knows it.. But, it's only a topic in my absence..
My existence.. In it's complete entirety is a mystery the world will never know it seems..
To my family.. To my friends.. And, even more so to myself..

Moments exist as fleeting lapses of time that fill our very lives..
And within these moments exist opportunities..
Finite stepping ladders that exist in a temporary state..
Offering only a higher ground in life..
By absolute logic, it's only natural to understand the necessary executable actions..
Everyone is blessed with these offerings within their lifetime repeatedly..
Beyond numeral possibilities..
I've ensured that the people around me grasp these offerings tightly..
Never, to let them go..
Never, to let them pass..
Never, to let them regret never having taken them..
And, yet here I sit.. Here I stand.. Here I lie..
Having never taken one for myself..

I've been given so many..
Too many..
And yet, I've refused them.. Denied them.. Ignored them..
Simply because I've integrated this lifestyle into my mental state..
Into the depths of my heart..
Everyday... Just once.. I wish I could tell someone.. Anyone..
How I feel..
Tell them who I really am..
What I am really am..
Five years is too long..
Physically.. Mentally.. I've endured perhaps nothing at all in comparison to the rest..
But, to me.. If I could just have a break it would be enough..
I've spent everyday dedicated to those around me..
Helping them everyday, never faltering once..
Ignoring every trace of emotion..
No matter how sad I am that day..
No matter how angry I am that day..
It never mattered because it was me..

But, right now just maybe.. If I could confess..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel all these lapses of chest pain on my left side..
Directly where my heart is.. I tell myself it's not my heart hurting..
But, when I lay my hand there, it's never beat faster..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel all this back pain when I'm just trying to better myself..
Directly hindering me from being able to climb out of bed.. I tell myself it's just coincidence..
But, it only happens when I'm in this state..
During lapses of blissful happiness short lived as they are..
I never felt a thing, my back pain was non-existent..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to push myself despite all these pains..
Collapsing everyday from forcing myself to physically do better..
Like I'm telling myself I'm not good enough..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to push myself through more pain..
Bleeding every time I try to physically do better..
Like I'm telling myself my effort is real..

If you're out there.. Whoever you are, Give me a reason to live..
One for my own..
I'm sorry if you've given me the opportunity to confess..
And if I never took it..
Even when you tried so hard..
But unfortunately.. I'm too broken to make it easy..
Even if my goal is the world..

I'm hesitant at heart...