Disbelief..

On a whim I simply stated I would engage in an act..
An act this person wished I would of always..
Maybe I should of remained from telling this individual..
Or maybe it was right too..
I just know now that things are going to be different for those involved now..
I actually made it clear the way I am..
Perhaps only extremely lightly as it doesn't seem possible to them still in m opinion..
With smile on face and laugh all round it just doesn't seem too believable right?..
I mean.. "You've always been the stone that everyone goes to for advice and depends on"..
Or something like that..
I mean when you put it that way it's clear how you see me..
Even more so when everyone involved agrees..
This is how I have always wanted everyone to see me forever..
A stone without crack..
A bottle without crack..
Just a wall out there to protect everyone..
I mean it is my job to right?..

I suppose I always placed an excuse on trusting these individuals..
Not because they weren't trustworthy..
But simply because it is in my nature too..
But then again with a certain individual..
I suppose I should of asked how how this person was first..
How her positioning in life suited her before I placed this on her.
As it stands that was always the intention..
To ask how this person was before allowing them to know how I was..
But I failed even that simple task..

There was so much that I wanted to say and could of said..
But I refrained from it as I expected..
At this point honestly speaking I am unsure as to whether it helped to release..
Perhaps considering the accumulation of not only my own..
But the accumulation of the problems of those around me..
That any release requires a large amount for it to work..
I suppose it isn't hard to say that five years of secrecy does accumulate quite nicely.
Not to say I'm not grateful to those that listened and attempted to offer comfort..
It was quite a happy thought to consider upon reaching home..
But still, I don't find myself believing it was right to not just yet anyways..
But as someone said I should of long ago anyways..
I know I should of..
I really do.
It's just ..
Well..
Hard.

I just didn't want anyone to think of me differently..
Perhaps that was clear from my decision to refrain from significant information.
I didn't want anyone there to stop coming to me for help..
It is the only thing in my life that makes sense right now..
Helping maintain or place smiles on the faces of those around me..
If I don't have that..
Then..
What do I have?..

I guess it goes to say I can understand myself somewhat..
If I never made it clear to a certain individual that I was 'ready' to share..
Then it would never of happened..
Not for a long time it seems.
I just can't believe I did it..

But before anything this individual that has helped me..
I can't begin to demonstrate the gratitude I actually possess for their actions..
I have met many individuals in my life that 'tried'..
But truthfully speaking those were efforts that required much refining..
I suppose those 'earnest eyes' really spoke out to me..
Something that a vast majority of humanity lacks..
So.. Thank you..
For being there..
You would be the first of your kind that I would of met in this life.
I only wish one day I could reciprocate the favor at least half as well....