Patience..

Somehow.. This used to be a day I look forward to every year without hesitation..
But, now.. Looking at it I don't understand how I ever could..
I mean.. I do plenty every year for those around me..
And, if there was ever a time to demonstrate gratitude this would be it..
Right?..
But.. Why am I so scared of this day now..
The only image placed in my head is the disappointment of the day..
Replacing excitement entirely.
In essence I should expect this pattern of thoughts by now..
If, for even a second I was honest..
I would know that this was my fault entirely..
Until now, today on this very day I have yet to even call anyone my best ......
And, it's not without reason I suppose..
I've completely refused every opportunity..
Denied every opportunity..
Despite how many times it's revealed itself to me with a different face..
If anything, it could of been anyone in my life..
But I just don't have the capacity for trust anymore..
I guess I have yet to grasp the idea of letting any true emotion slip..
Even today..
I guess..
I.. Just want to give every reason to be trustworthy..
But, even I think it's unfair to not trust in return..
So I guess all I can do is wait it out..
After all.. I told myself I had to last at least one year..
and, until then.. I wouldn't give up.
After one year.. Then, I'll see how far I have come as a person.
I only have to last 50 more days right?..