Wanderings..

Complete suppression for the duration of an entire year completely.
I believe this prospect to be completely possible..
And, here I am achieving just that with literally days to follow as the month draws..
But, I didn't consider that I would require release everyday like I have..
In complete admittance..
The difficulty of the task ranks superior..
As I wasted the day away today achieving nothing..
Participating in nothing..
Being simply just that.
The still of night seemed to follow strong even in the sun's presence.
Thoughts flowed smoothly without hesitation..
Hindering proper enjoyment of the simplest of days.
My only thought?..
Tears.
Something I wish I cold shed.
Just simply shed a single tear..
But I'm convinced that were I to do so I wouldn't stop..

With tasks that require completion I find preference of pure wandering of the city streets..
At night by my lonesome..
With deadline in tomorrow and yet I remain in this position of thought and slow walking pace..
I have nothing to say..
Everything was meant to be due in tomorrow and yet I decided not to..
Simply because it was easier just not to..
My eyes started to truly blur hindering my sight making it hard to even see..
And yet I didn't give rest..
However, should any individual start a conversation I return to my surface self..
Instantly..
Almost as if the weight of my thoughts evaporated completely..
A smile on face like you have never seen..
Like I'm the happiest guy in the entire world.
But in the wandering of the streets on this lonely night..
I can't help but think it will always be like this..
Moon high in the sky..
My walking slowly through the city streets..
Always alone..
Forever..
Alone.

I believed I was past this stage already..
However staring purely at the wall for time periods I can no longer count says otherwise..
I find the importance in my life slipping quickly much like the existence of it..
I find my mistakes clearer than ever..
The good and the bad.
And, I find myself more confused and lost than ever before despite 'new' positivity.
I just know that release is something I truly desire even if it were to exist in complete moments.
Momentarily for a mere second.
That would perhaps be enough for me to live.
But, living is the last thing I seem to be capable of doing.
This depression of being I have engaged into for the past 5 years of my life..
It just seems futile to challenge..
Futile to continue to challenge..
But I must.
I understand that today is hard..
But tomorrow will change simply because it must.
Only I can cry for myself today.
Not that I can do even that..

21 days.