Questions..

I need to change who I am..
Inside and out..
I know I have adopted this dream..
And still even now I know I have no intentions of dropping it..
And I can never let myself drop it either..
But I can't help but think I'm becoming more and more lonely as time goes on..
The people around me grow more in numbers..
But it seems my participation is growing less in effort..
So many new faces..
But none that will remember my name by the end of the night..
I try going out..
I try to be different..
But after so long is it really so easy as to just being able to do it on the spot?
I know I have to be a different person..
But how?..
Am.. I really so weak that I don't have to capacity to change?
Shouldn't a person in complete control of their emotions..
Be able to change how they want?
When they want?
To who they want?
And still..
This is all I am..
No matter who I meet..
No matter how many more people I meet..
No matter how many more people I help..
I can't change this no matter how much I want to..

I want to be different.. Just why.. What do I need to help me change?..
Once my life ends.. I don't want to be the one saying that I don't want to be who I am now..
Once my life ends.. I don't want to keep regretting everything like I do now..
I want to be able to live my life without regret..
Helping everyone still..
And, keeping my dream to help still..

Today.. I came out trying to be different..
But, nothing change..
I'm still the same person..
I'm still just as bad as always..
And I just can't socialize like I used to..
Everytime.. Seeing that person..
I just can't help but feel anger in amongst my dead feelings..
Even if I don't show it at all..
Knowing that you can give a person everything..
Be there for them to the end..
And all he can do is betray you with the people that meant most in your life.
I don't think I want to come out knowing it will be like this all the time.

Confusion is all I am..
I started using this blog as a medium for my thoughts..
Shrouding them in mystery..
Keeping meanings hidden amongst words..
Making what I had to say hard to decipher..
But it's not hard to see the further I go..
The more I show here..
Maybe.. Just maybe it's a sign showing that I'm becoming more unstable..
Or maybe.. I'm just getting weaker..