Advancing Deficiency..

Barely over one week has advanced since then..
And still.. I can see how far I have come on the surface..
Forced into the social environments that I constantly am now..
I find myself functioning.. 'humanly'..
Making somewhat of an impact..
Getting people together..
Talking to people..
Making them laugh and laughing with them..
Like I am 'normal'..
It doesn't feel right.. But I can do it more so that I used to be able..
Socially I have become more capable..
And, it became evident.. Especially on my departure..
When I was leaving I was thinking of doing it quietly..
However, instead everyone turned towards me..
Saying their goodbyes loudly..
But not just an individual or two..
But, the entire collection of people..
Acknowledging my presence..
And acknowledging that in my disappearance goodbyes had to be exchanged..
Until the next meet..
This is something that has not happened for a long time..
And in admittance I truly enjoyed it and cherished that small moment..

However something I wasn't even aware of was made visible by a certain individual I trust..
More so than most.. Because this person knows about me in greater details than most..
Admittedly not enough.. But still enough at the same time..
Her words spoke of me appearing to her as obviously sad..
Showing signs of being clearly sad..
However to my knowledge the only thing I ever showed was smiles and laughter..
But to this individual it would appear that I was evidently more sad than I have ever showed..
In essence the individual isn't wrong..
However to me.. I demonstrated only what could be seen as happy..
But, the observer would typically have the correct image in this case..
Demonstrating that perhaps my subconscious with the 'new' feelings as they are..
Are perhaps slowly taking over..

As I gradually reach today's end I find myself..
Dwelling in this uncontrolled sadness that the individual spoke of..
And even more so to my surprise I am admitting it through a public medium..
As opposed to directly enshrouding the fact in mystery as I typically would.
But, with each new word that I express forward I find myself..
Slowly coming back to reality and becoming stable as I was once..
So perhaps this medium is necessary to maintain levels of sanity..
Until perhaps one year has passed..
Only time can tell once again..
Until then..
I have to try to be more sociable..
And still hide my feelings..
I have to try to defeat my feelings and control them..
And understand them more..
For all that I have to do..
I know, that as much as time is the greatest factor..
I no longer hold the option of giving up at this point..
Especially now that it is more than clear to someone how I am..
Especially now that I have begun to give chase knowing what is to happen tomorrow..
Knowing that I despise being weak..
More so than anything else at this point..