Incapable..

In the time I have lived..
With all that I have seen..
With all that I have heard..
With all that I have learned..
The one truth that has found it's way into permanence..
In my mind..
And, in my heart.
Is incapability..
Weakness..
Futility..

This life of mine..
This small life in this large world..
Has co-existed in the shadows of those around me..
Reaching from the darkness..
Pushing the souls around me forward from within the abyss..

Despite efforts..
Beyond successes..
Following failures..
Despite attempts..
Beyond achievements..
Following disappointments..
Despite claims to growth and change..
I'm no different than when I started all this.

I feel no heartbeat where my heart should be..
Despite all the claims to trust..
Despite all the smiles and laughs..
Despite all the insurmountable kindness..
Despite all the morally correct intentions..
Despite all the depth of optimism demonstrated..
Despite all the confidence and determination portrayed..
It only runs surface deep..

These feelings and emotions..
They once defined me..
Only to be replaced..
By the hatred for the world..
By the hatred for humanity..
The wishes to never become like one of them.
For as long as I live being human..
Being human is the one thing that I could never forgive myself for..
For all my sins..
For all my regrets..
For all my mistakes..
Being human is the true sin.
It isn't the world that changed me..
It was and is people.

I don't question my ability to forge bonds and friendships..
I only question the meaning of something lost.
Isn't a friendship a declaration?..
An unspoken promise to be there..
A promise to trust and give reason to trust..
The golden rule.. The golden law..
That states every being in this world is fated to possess one..
A friendship true..
That every being in this world..
No matter how big or small..
No matter how far apart the lands..
No matter what oceans separate people as obstacles..
Every individual controlled by will and law is destined for friendship..
Whether only a single friend or many..
Whether they believe in destiny or not..
They.. Everyone, in this world will find a friend..
A friend that will protect them from hurt..
A friend that will and would sacrifice their own life if need be?..
Carrying each other forward with only intentions true to help?..

Has it really become so hard for me to believe this?..
Even.. Even when there are those around willing to fight for me..
Is it wrong that I don't even have a heart to offer them?..
Leaving only a single cold dead heart..
Surrounded by pessimism..
Surrounded by cynical beliefs..
Surrounded by complete distrust..
Forever incapable of even shedding a tear even now?..
Even when I've served my time...

In all my attempts to surface any emotion..
I was returned with only the word incapable..
Even attempting to fall victim to the easiest emotion of all..
Anger.
I couldn't..
It didn't feel real..
It felt only as fake as my existence..
Even pushing the extent of my physical barrier..
Just so I could bleed again..
This body of mine..
It has been left with nothing but scars where injuries once were..
It has been left with nothing but bruises that spoke of my attempts..
It has been left with nothing but blood dried trying to just feel something..
My arms.. My legs.. My hands.. My feet..
Forcing myself to stages beyond my own capabilities..
Only because I know I'm too weak to..
In my feeble attempt to boast of it as pride and determination.. Willpower..
It's only a lie of a me past..
Where this willpower..
Is now replaced by hatred..
Hatred of self..
Hatred of those around..
My hatred is what drives me..
Day by day..
I lose my ability to physically function..
Sometimes bearable..
sometimes not..
Sometimes there..
Sometimes not..
Just always reminding me..
Scarring me outside..
And inside..
Of my weakness..

"What do I have left after all this?"

To those now reading..
All I can say.. Is that I'm sorry.

I am incapable at heart...