Exhaust..

I have never truly learned the meaning of self-care..
I have an appetite equivalent to a black hole as I've been constantly reminded..
Yet, it's comprised of nothing but meat..
I have pushed myself everyday with exercises that cause me to collapse on the spot..
That cause me to bleed and shake uncontrollably..
Regardless of time.. Whether in the evening at 7pm..
Or at 5am after just getting home..
I have never slept early..
Something that everyone already knows..
Ever since college I've let the bad habit come in between my personal health..
Spending my time looking after my friends regardless of time..
I have refused to drink energy drinks..
I have refused to drink coffee..
Relying completely on my own strength to stay up..
Even today this routine continues..

But, I have never been like this before..
I have never stopped in the middle of an exercise routine abruptly just to take a breather..
I have never not finished my designated routine..
I have never fallen asleep behind the wheel nearly crashing into a car, with a passenger..
I have never found exercise so difficult or my reactions and movements so slow and sluggish..
I have never replied so lazily or shared so little words when at home..
I have never gotten cold so quickly before..
I have never had heavy eyes from morning to night like this before..

But this pattern will probably never change..
I will only feel more exhaust from this point probably..
Exercise more..
Eat more meat..
Eat less vegetables..
Help more people..
Stay up later..
Wake up earlier..

But, this isn't my way of saying I need to give up..
But rather.. A reminder to myself.. That this is my limit..
And I have to surpass it somehow still..
I.. Need to keep fighting this to get stronger..
I need to be stronger..
Not for me.. But everyone..
That way.. I know I will fight that much harder.