Near..

Today becomes the final day of the month..
Spelling out the closeness of the lapping of an entire year..
An entire year from that day..
The day I stopped crying..
The day I stopped my emotions..
The day I felt betrayed forever..
The day everything changed for me.
I only hope I can last that long even still..
Time is the only factor here..
The time is near..

My guess though?..
Once the day comes..
Nothing will change for me..
I believe it's much too late..
With the possibility of only outside influence being the only remedy..
The me I am reverting to can only do so much..
I suppose I already gauged I wouldn't make my twenty year old year count..
Nor would I remain a changed man for long..
Perhaps I know a few more faces and a few more know me..
But without energy I can do so much.
I just hope something can change for the better..
But I suppose sleep draws nearer..
4am.. Yet again.

15 days..

Disbelief..

On a whim I simply stated I would engage in an act..
An act this person wished I would of always..
Maybe I should of remained from telling this individual..
Or maybe it was right too..
I just know now that things are going to be different for those involved now..
I actually made it clear the way I am..
Perhaps only extremely lightly as it doesn't seem possible to them still in m opinion..
With smile on face and laugh all round it just doesn't seem too believable right?..
I mean.. "You've always been the stone that everyone goes to for advice and depends on"..
Or something like that..
I mean when you put it that way it's clear how you see me..
Even more so when everyone involved agrees..
This is how I have always wanted everyone to see me forever..
A stone without crack..
A bottle without crack..
Just a wall out there to protect everyone..
I mean it is my job to right?..

I suppose I always placed an excuse on trusting these individuals..
Not because they weren't trustworthy..
But simply because it is in my nature too..
But then again with a certain individual..
I suppose I should of asked how how this person was first..
How her positioning in life suited her before I placed this on her.
As it stands that was always the intention..
To ask how this person was before allowing them to know how I was..
But I failed even that simple task..

There was so much that I wanted to say and could of said..
But I refrained from it as I expected..
At this point honestly speaking I am unsure as to whether it helped to release..
Perhaps considering the accumulation of not only my own..
But the accumulation of the problems of those around me..
That any release requires a large amount for it to work..
I suppose it isn't hard to say that five years of secrecy does accumulate quite nicely.
Not to say I'm not grateful to those that listened and attempted to offer comfort..
It was quite a happy thought to consider upon reaching home..
But still, I don't find myself believing it was right to not just yet anyways..
But as someone said I should of long ago anyways..
I know I should of..
I really do.
It's just ..
Well..
Hard.

I just didn't want anyone to think of me differently..
Perhaps that was clear from my decision to refrain from significant information.
I didn't want anyone there to stop coming to me for help..
It is the only thing in my life that makes sense right now..
Helping maintain or place smiles on the faces of those around me..
If I don't have that..
Then..
What do I have?..

I guess it goes to say I can understand myself somewhat..
If I never made it clear to a certain individual that I was 'ready' to share..
Then it would never of happened..
Not for a long time it seems.
I just can't believe I did it..

But before anything this individual that has helped me..
I can't begin to demonstrate the gratitude I actually possess for their actions..
I have met many individuals in my life that 'tried'..
But truthfully speaking those were efforts that required much refining..
I suppose those 'earnest eyes' really spoke out to me..
Something that a vast majority of humanity lacks..
So.. Thank you..
For being there..
You would be the first of your kind that I would of met in this life.
I only wish one day I could reciprocate the favor at least half as well....

Misplacement..

Under pressure and within presence..
I understand that I am considered to be an individual skilled in the art of literature..
However it seems I fall short within certain presences..
I possess the knowledge at hand..
However, it would seem I lack the knowledge to present the knowledge I possess..
I find myself trapped with this situation that is always there..
I tell myself every morning within this presence I will be different..
I will stand out..
I will be desired..
I will be everything.
And yet, I never execute and such action or maintain any such thought..
Only until after day's end does it occur to me this was meant to be my attempt..
But I fail under pressure and presence..
Clearly.

If I could be who I used to be around certain presences..
Then perhaps it would make things easier..
Unfortunately for me this is something I lost long ago..
It used to be so much easier..
But then again it always is..
Life is only meant to get harder as you progress..
I just never imagined I would still have nothing..
No true friend..
No true best friend..
Not true talent..
No true profession..
No true aspiration..
No true goal..
No true direction..
No true destination..
No true foundation..
Just..
Nothing.
At this point, I just don't know anymore whether or not I misplaced these things..
Or forever lost them..
Is it forever in me..
Or forever scattered and gone through the wind of the world.
I could be everything anyone wanted..
Given time I could be..
Or at least I would like to think so..
But not anymore.

Acceptance..

I have clearly accepted that I am no longer capable of my physical routines..
Physical routines that fall every Monday and every Wednesday..
One that I excelled at, a fact made clear even to my proud sibling and the entire class..
Teachers and all..
And yet, I can no longer participate because of long chronic injuries..
Because of pure exhaust and fatigue..
Because of pain despite my levels of tolerance that have exceeded my limitations..
Not that anyone knows..
Not that anyone even bothers to ask despite me hinting so clearly I want you to.
Even stating it, the fact seems to be ignored..
But it's only human to shun what you can't accept or comprehend right?..
A comprehension that I fall under.

Together as individuals there are many things in life we accept..
And it seems a vast majority of us have accepted the difference we now face in life..
The voids that are strongly present based off the cracks and separations shown..
The difficulties that people face and personal preferences that they hold..
Much like the fact, that all I have left but is the maintaining of current life.

But, just because humans accepted that I should be left be..
Should I really accept I have already reached my life's pinnacle at the early age of twenty?..
I tell myself not to..
But, my body and mind says otherwise..
Maybe even my heart beats in synchronization to this presented 'fact'..
I don't want to.. But perhaps I have to..
I just wish things could run a little differently..
But that is being selfish isn't it?..
So guess not.

Wanderings..

Complete suppression for the duration of an entire year completely.
I believe this prospect to be completely possible..
And, here I am achieving just that with literally days to follow as the month draws..
But, I didn't consider that I would require release everyday like I have..
In complete admittance..
The difficulty of the task ranks superior..
As I wasted the day away today achieving nothing..
Participating in nothing..
Being simply just that.
The still of night seemed to follow strong even in the sun's presence.
Thoughts flowed smoothly without hesitation..
Hindering proper enjoyment of the simplest of days.
My only thought?..
Tears.
Something I wish I cold shed.
Just simply shed a single tear..
But I'm convinced that were I to do so I wouldn't stop..

With tasks that require completion I find preference of pure wandering of the city streets..
At night by my lonesome..
With deadline in tomorrow and yet I remain in this position of thought and slow walking pace..
I have nothing to say..
Everything was meant to be due in tomorrow and yet I decided not to..
Simply because it was easier just not to..
My eyes started to truly blur hindering my sight making it hard to even see..
And yet I didn't give rest..
However, should any individual start a conversation I return to my surface self..
Instantly..
Almost as if the weight of my thoughts evaporated completely..
A smile on face like you have never seen..
Like I'm the happiest guy in the entire world.
But in the wandering of the streets on this lonely night..
I can't help but think it will always be like this..
Moon high in the sky..
My walking slowly through the city streets..
Always alone..
Forever..
Alone.

I believed I was past this stage already..
However staring purely at the wall for time periods I can no longer count says otherwise..
I find the importance in my life slipping quickly much like the existence of it..
I find my mistakes clearer than ever..
The good and the bad.
And, I find myself more confused and lost than ever before despite 'new' positivity.
I just know that release is something I truly desire even if it were to exist in complete moments.
Momentarily for a mere second.
That would perhaps be enough for me to live.
But, living is the last thing I seem to be capable of doing.
This depression of being I have engaged into for the past 5 years of my life..
It just seems futile to challenge..
Futile to continue to challenge..
But I must.
I understand that today is hard..
But tomorrow will change simply because it must.
Only I can cry for myself today.
Not that I can do even that..

21 days.

Efforts..

A relationship can be gauged by the effort of the individuals involved..
Be it a romantic relationship or simple friendship..
This is something that I learned quickly and with great ease..
However, the failure of this truth escapes my grasp just as quickly..
In terms of effort, when it comes down to it..
In the absence of modesty..
My ranking should be considered of the highest..
And yet, I fall short here receiving minimal return.
I've applied myself in manners humanly impossible..
Or rather humanly naive and purely dumb.
And yet, my return seems to only be ignorance.
Complete utter denial of existence despite the quantity and quality of efforts..
Both being something I offered in full..
Surrounded by substantial evidence the the truth of this 'effort' that I applied.
Efforts that I applied in practically every connection I shared with those that filled my life..
Efforts that people didn't deserve..
Efforts that people did deserve..
And yet it was simply one of the many traits I endeavored to maintain..
Purely out of despise for not because it was humanly not to.

It isn't difficult to grasp where my distrust stems from..
However, it is also just as clear that my constant exposure to this occurrence plays strong..
Demanding nothing and offering everything..
Expecting nothing but filling constant expectations all the while..
Much like a brick wall with only the job to stand strong without crack..
To defend without fall..
And, to stand with undying conviction.

I almost want to say it is unfair..
But that's just not me to..
It is almost laughable that such an individual like myself can even exist..
But I suppose it was my wish to live outside human realms..
Including the human positives that exist in life.

Drive out to city despite exhaust..
Requiring a two hour nap..
And yet, all I could muster was a complete lie to mask this fact.
Yet, this was all done for you..
But, somehow I fail to see the appreciation of the attempt.
An understanding that this individual should of known..
Or would of.
Perhaps.. I'm being more harsh today.
But I suppose this is one of many cracks to appear and seal..
Only visible here and to myself.

I know I try..
But, well yeah.
Let's just say I would never give up on any of you ever.

Speechless..

"Importance is not demonstrated in the quantity or quality of words shared but instead the least words shared."
-Robin Tey

I'm still in awe over the possibility of the present occurrences taking in place in my life..
By all rights, at this point it should be all but impossible..
With the steps I took..
The paths I walked..
The thoughts I conceived..
And the actions I executed..
I should never of been in this situation..
It doesn't make sense that I could possibly be..
When I put all my effort into avoiding it..
I'm not questioning or denying it..
Just..
Incapable of understanding how.
I won't push it away..
Simply because I just can't..
I just know I want it to continue on a more positive path from here..
For me..
For us..
Selfishly as it is..
Human as it is..
I just can't help it..

It is here that I partake in acts I never would..
Saying things I never would..
Seeing things I never would..
Accepting and just simply executing actions I never would..
Spending my time here, is all I want despite the risks involved..
Maintaining this routine of mine despite the toll that it takes on me..

I really believed that there wouldn't be opportunity for me to be nervous..
For me to have to consider so many options in such a limited time duration..
For me to show dedication to this specific area once again in my life..
For me to be..
Speechless.

I don't know if this is positive or negative at this point..
Or if it is even possible..
I just know that this is one opportunity that I can't let slip.
I have never allowed myself to believe that fate was a true word..
But that day.. During those three days..
Something quite difficult to happen did.
And, it just seems to me..
Perhaps fate was telling me to take this new presented opportunity..
Despite the difficulty it seems to entail I can't help but believe it is worth the effort..
I just don't want to be speechless..
'Maybe if I could avoid singing with my nose?..'
But I guess no one would really understand that.

I am speechless at heart..

Continuation

Without failure..
Yesterday has come to return into the realms of today..
Come home on precisely for 'sleeping time'..
Wake up early in the morning to drive or be driven..
Attempt the completion of tasks in record time to see certain individual/individuals..
Once this possibility occurs..
The next task is the remaining of positions until closing hours..
Quite simple..
But it is more than possible of keeping me entertained..
At personal costs..

It is true that I have truly learned to suppress all pessimistic thoughts..
As pessimistic an individual I may truly be..
Only until the dreaded still of the night..
However until then I can clearly see the focuses of the day..
Bright as day..
Despite the moons' altitude.
It is more than easy to be able to claim this to be 'fun' with truth behind it as well..
But I can't help but think that one day I just won't be able to continue this trend..
One day it will be too hard for me to continue this trend and lifestyle of mine..
One day, I just won't be able to..
Even most probably in the near future..

Is it worth a true smile or two during the day?..
Do I of all people have to always continue to engage in sacrifices..
Even just for the smallest step forward..
And for all the steps backwards I have already taken..
All the leaps behind I took with each new day..
Is it worth it despite me understanding that it truly is already much too late..
For me, doing this for myself..
Am I really doing it this way or just continuing another fashion of a detrimental act..
All I know is that I have intentions of continuation in mind..
With all the questions I hold and ask..
The only one asking..
The only one listening..
The only one answering..
Is me.
No outside influence..
No one else but me..
To continue.. Forever onwards..

Depletion..

Today seemed like a day much like yesterday..
Although the prospect of this isn't a problem within my mind..
Meeting individual or individuals that play a strong part on my life now..
Where I desire their company which is still too 'new' to me to comprehend..
However in truth..
It is the complications that follow and the toll that it takes on me..
I've fallen into a routine that should of been avoided at all costs..
Where my body no longer receives a moment's true break..
My eyes fall on paper and screen at all times..
My hands grip pencil or pen at all times..
My sleep is drained of all it's glory and reduced to minimal hours..
Beyond that of before..
Bringing about the worsening of an already bad habit..
My mornings come early and quick..
And much like the passing of time during present time..
My energy reserves quickly deplete..

Unfortunately this reality showed itself during what could be considered the worse of moments..
Considering past promises that were made to individuals that are no longer in my life..
This was a promise made to an individual that made a clear impact on my life..
And, with this promise as the remaining present memory I hold..
It is one I must uphold..
One that states that I shall never forsake the existence of my life.
However, as I drove home today..
Uncontrolled and unintentional sleep quickly followed..
Resulting in the holding of traffic..
The swaying of driving..
And many abrupt brakes to avoid collision..
In many ways this could be considered a sign to attempt my conquest to beat insomnia..
Or perhaps, this is just life telling me this is all I have.
The only thing I understand is that I just don't have what it takes anymore..
And I despise it completely..

I am depleted at heart..

Still Night..

I awake every morning with only thoughts of tire..
I endure every afternoon with only thoughts of work to be done..
I arrive every evening with only thoughts of the day past and gone..
But, it is during this still night full of thoughts of the day past and gone that scares me the most..
Much like the rise and fall of the sun..
Much like the disappearance and reappearance of the moon..
I too fall victim to these transitions of life..
A smile to face wherever my travels take me..
A laugh to face whoever I engage in conversation with..
But, it is when I am alone..
With nothing but screen and self separating me from the world I live..
I achieve nothing here..
I achieve only tire, fatigue and self infliction only here..
I refuse to sleep for reasons I can no longer comprehend..
In my acts of insomnia my fatigue and tire only evolve..
And still, this is only evident to myself.
There is no one that knows..
There is no one that can..
I just know that in the still of this night..
Much like every night before..
Nothing seems to be right in the world.
Not one bit of it..
For all the smiles and laughs that I can carry..
For all the smiles and laughs that everyone carries in my life..
The fragility of them is too real..
They last only temporarily..
But despite this truth..
It has undoubtedly become my job to rectify this world issue.
Starting right here and now where I live..
If only I could conquer the still of the night..
Then perhaps this job of mine wouldn't present itself so dauntingly to me.

In the compendium of thoughts that I have managed to summon..
Only possible within the calm of the night..
I step out of shadows embrace perhaps only for a moment.
Allowing mistakes past to present itself in its' glory..
In complete visibility for only my eyes to see..
For all the pain of these moments of failure..
I just know that tears is the last thing I should shed..
I guess the only word that truly comes to mind now is..
"I don't know.."

Still of the night, if for one day in my life you could disappear..
Like the 'three days' that I have treasured that have gone and past..
Then perhaps..
Sleep could find me..
Then perhaps..
I could chase away tire and fatigue..
Then perhaps..
I could shed a tear or two on the lines of joy..
And finally.. I could even move forward one step..
Instead of forever backwards..
But I suppose at this point it's already far too late for me.
Even I realize that in all my naivety.
I just want to be someone..
But I guess this is someone that I will be tomorrow..
And forever onwards..

Even if that someone asked if I imagined myself changing one day..
In all the hesitation I initially showed..
The answer was certainly within the depths of my mind..
No matter how quickly I needed to search..
The answer found me.

Limited..

"Limitations are undoubtedly what make us human."
-Robin Tey

I have always seen life without limitation..
Simply because this has always been the way I have tried to live..
Simply because this has always been the greatest lesson I thought I could ever teach myself..
Should and obstacle physical or mental present itself to me..
My first step would be the assess the limitation present..
Subsequently followed by the advancement of the bar of limitation..
Not a simple step further.. Not even just two steps..
But a complete leap forward..
To a destination without a footing of it's own..
To those, who know me surface present..
Understand that I am an individual who is in actuality incapable of understanding limitations..
I've always presented myself to exert myself to insurmountable lengths..
I've always presented myself to constantly perform impossible feats..
I've always presented myself to demonstrate conviction unheard of..
I've always presented myself to show optimism that shouldn't exist..
I've always presented myself to possess knowledge through experiences I have yet to have..
I've always presented myself to be a being without said 'limits'.
But, for all the people I manage to impress..
Physically..
Mentally..
For all the times I have told myself limitations are for the weak..
Limitations don't exist in my realm..
I find myself reaching said limitations already..
In the short time I have lived I have found a true limitation in myself..
And it is this physical limitation that has hindered my mental and emotional limitations..

Today, for the first time ever.. I found myself incapable of performing..
Physically performing like I always have to impress those around me..
Kicking and punching at speeds that have always impressed everyone..
Exercising at speeds and exerting numbers that were literally top of the class..
And yet, today.. I found myself incapable of kicking and punching without tiring immediately..
I performed kicks without power..
Punches without power..
All that filled my mind was limitations..
The limitations that showed through in my tire..
At that point all I desired was to stop and to go home already..
All I see from this is the disappointment in myself that I have always tried to avoid..
The one thing I thought I could stay away from..
Being weak..
But I guess even through all my efforts this will always be all that I have to show..
The weak being that I will always be..
Full of impossibility..
And incapability..
In all honesty.. I can't imagine where I will be in the future..
Not the next second.. Not tomorrow.. Not next week.. Next month.. Or in ten years..
There is no image of where I will stand..
Who will be in my life..
Or whether or not I could possibly survive ten more years as I am now.. Truthfully..

I am limited at heart..

Non-Fiction..

"Sometimes, a lie can be the greatest truth you'll ever hear."
-Robin Tey

In complete honesty where I stand today..
I have absolutely no clue where I am..
Where I was ..
Or..
Even, where I am going..
I just know that things seem so much different now..
So much more real..
The reality that I have to make something of myself..
The reality that one day I have to be someone..
And, that the time is drawing closer..
But even now as I am..
I have nothing to show for it..
And no one to show it to..

This is my reality..
My non-fiction..
My truth..
For every path I could of taken in life..
It's true that I'm not walking the worse of paths..
Perhaps, I have my absurd levels of self-control to thank for that..
Or perhaps, my hate for human characteristics..
I just know, that for all the wants of abandoning all my work..
Abandoning all those in my life..
For the little numbers they exist in..
I still have no true direction in life..
I still have no true individual that I can confide in..
I still have no true self to show..
I still have no truth.
I am simply an embodiment of lies.
Lies for me..
Lies for you..
Lies for us..
Lies for them..
Lies for all..

I am a liar at heart...

Advancing Deficiency..

Barely over one week has advanced since then..
And still.. I can see how far I have come on the surface..
Forced into the social environments that I constantly am now..
I find myself functioning.. 'humanly'..
Making somewhat of an impact..
Getting people together..
Talking to people..
Making them laugh and laughing with them..
Like I am 'normal'..
It doesn't feel right.. But I can do it more so that I used to be able..
Socially I have become more capable..
And, it became evident.. Especially on my departure..
When I was leaving I was thinking of doing it quietly..
However, instead everyone turned towards me..
Saying their goodbyes loudly..
But not just an individual or two..
But, the entire collection of people..
Acknowledging my presence..
And acknowledging that in my disappearance goodbyes had to be exchanged..
Until the next meet..
This is something that has not happened for a long time..
And in admittance I truly enjoyed it and cherished that small moment..

However something I wasn't even aware of was made visible by a certain individual I trust..
More so than most.. Because this person knows about me in greater details than most..
Admittedly not enough.. But still enough at the same time..
Her words spoke of me appearing to her as obviously sad..
Showing signs of being clearly sad..
However to my knowledge the only thing I ever showed was smiles and laughter..
But to this individual it would appear that I was evidently more sad than I have ever showed..
In essence the individual isn't wrong..
However to me.. I demonstrated only what could be seen as happy..
But, the observer would typically have the correct image in this case..
Demonstrating that perhaps my subconscious with the 'new' feelings as they are..
Are perhaps slowly taking over..

As I gradually reach today's end I find myself..
Dwelling in this uncontrolled sadness that the individual spoke of..
And even more so to my surprise I am admitting it through a public medium..
As opposed to directly enshrouding the fact in mystery as I typically would.
But, with each new word that I express forward I find myself..
Slowly coming back to reality and becoming stable as I was once..
So perhaps this medium is necessary to maintain levels of sanity..
Until perhaps one year has passed..
Only time can tell once again..
Until then..
I have to try to be more sociable..
And still hide my feelings..
I have to try to defeat my feelings and control them..
And understand them more..
For all that I have to do..
I know, that as much as time is the greatest factor..
I no longer hold the option of giving up at this point..
Especially now that it is more than clear to someone how I am..
Especially now that I have begun to give chase knowing what is to happen tomorrow..
Knowing that I despise being weak..
More so than anything else at this point..

Feelings..

I am more than aware of where I stand in this world..
Within the realms of darkness and light..
I know my standing.. I know position..
And I have never argued with it..
Not for a long time now..
But, to think that feelings the one thing I disregarded and discarded..
These feelings that are starting to surface now are standing in my way..
The one thing I learned so hard to eradicate and ignore like they never existed..
I can feel again.. Just that bit more than I could yesterday..
And, the day before that..
I don't understand how this is possible..
Perhaps I can connect the pieces..
But even I never believed that it would be enough..
To think that.. I could feel again.. Not just for individuals in my life..
But to feel towards life happenings..
To consider things in relations to myself the way I am now..
I don't understand why I am feeling like this again..
I haven't for so long..
For.. 338 days..
Despite only having 27 days remaining..

Attempts..

Slowly.. But surely words seem to escape my mind..
All I know is that for all the controlled thoughts that leave my mind in the form of words..
Words that I can grasp..
What replaces them is confusion..
Thoughts that I have no control over..
Thoughts too much to handle right now..
In my current state..
In my exhaustion..
Arriving on location to where I am..
I am literally incapable of retracing the steps that physically took to get there..
As was Tuesday..
I failed to remember how I got to the restaurant I arrived at..
Despite having only 'just' sat down..
I'm not too sure if I should be concerned..
I only know this strong lack of memory is becoming a problem..
But, I suppose all I can do is attempt to remember with the best that I can..

Despite this hindering.. I know, that it isn't stopping me from my attempts to give chase..
I only know it is making it hard..
But, I have always been the individual that has thrived upon challenges right?..

I can't help but admit I showed excitement throughout the day in the hopes..
The hopes that something I planned might happen..
To see a certain individual.

Chase..

I've experienced a multitude of surprises that have left me guessing..
Guessing to the origin..
Guessing to the reasoning..
Guessing to the consequences to follow..
But, one I never expected was that I would give chase..
So quickly.. So early..
Even my mind says it is too early..
But, somehow.. This person..
This single person.. Has managed to capture my attention..
Longer than most do these days..
Keeping a smile on my face..
Keeping a laugh on my face..
Just like she used to..
The same way she did when I was in the so called darker state..
I was convinced that people like these could no longer exist in my world..
And yet.. This person.. Is completely differently from the last..
Practically in every way.. And yet.. It works.
I really have no clue where to go from here..
But even if I am telling myself not to..
Even if I am trying not to..
I know I already am.. Even now..
Everyone that was there..
Everyone regarded and categorized as 'new' knows..
And surely.. But surely eventually more and more people are learning..
Except for the one I'm giving chase.
But.. I have got to admit.. I am happy to give chase..

However.. After today.. For all the fun that was had..
For all my smiles and my laughs..
Another unpredicted event took place..
The collection of my thought conceiving themselves the way they did..
Without my permission..
I have been nonchalantly in control of my thoughts for so long..
But for them to conceive the thoughts they did..
The origin or possibility truly escapes me..
I need to trust this person one day and in return they need to trust me..
But, with all these 'new' faces and old faces..
It's more than clear to me I still have a long way to go..
I am no longer the trusting type..
Only the trusted type instead..
But, can I change in time for this to work out..
Not even I can tell..
No one can..
I just know I want to tell someone..
To tell more people..
Only, so they can help..
I am trying to get help..
It has only been a few days but surprises like these..
I could never of predicted..
I don't know what is happening to me..
I don't even know if it is good or bad..
I just know it is happening..

I'm chasing this person..
I'm chasing my new feelings..
I am chasing this new world without hesitation or regret..
Once more.. I am.. living.

Exhasut.. Continuation..

Never thought it would such a strong toll on me..
This new found exhaustion..
But it's becoming more evident the more I physically strain myself..
At this point.. Even I don't know how long I can last anymore..
Mentally.. Perhaps I have changed..
But I know physically I have a long way to come before I have evolved into who I want..
My only path is forward..
My only option.. Is to, continue.

'New' Continuation..

I never imagined that I would be able to carry it on..
So successfully..
So smoothly..
So swiftly..
But I have.. And I will continue to do so from here on out..

Seeing the same faces I saw just three days ago..
And, only a small quantity of them..
It became even more obvious to me that I have changed..
I found myself talking instead of listening..
I found myself trusting instead of being trusted..
Saying things I never would of normally..
Even if it was something so small..
So miniscule.. And admittedly probably never even picked up on..
Even if it was too disguised to acknowledge..
I said it..
And, I know it wasn't an accident that I did..
This 'new' feeling that's running away..
I will keep chasing it.

Today, despite the monetary costs just for food..
I had a lot of laughs.. It.. Was fun.

Exhaust..

I have never truly learned the meaning of self-care..
I have an appetite equivalent to a black hole as I've been constantly reminded..
Yet, it's comprised of nothing but meat..
I have pushed myself everyday with exercises that cause me to collapse on the spot..
That cause me to bleed and shake uncontrollably..
Regardless of time.. Whether in the evening at 7pm..
Or at 5am after just getting home..
I have never slept early..
Something that everyone already knows..
Ever since college I've let the bad habit come in between my personal health..
Spending my time looking after my friends regardless of time..
I have refused to drink energy drinks..
I have refused to drink coffee..
Relying completely on my own strength to stay up..
Even today this routine continues..

But, I have never been like this before..
I have never stopped in the middle of an exercise routine abruptly just to take a breather..
I have never not finished my designated routine..
I have never fallen asleep behind the wheel nearly crashing into a car, with a passenger..
I have never found exercise so difficult or my reactions and movements so slow and sluggish..
I have never replied so lazily or shared so little words when at home..
I have never gotten cold so quickly before..
I have never had heavy eyes from morning to night like this before..

But this pattern will probably never change..
I will only feel more exhaust from this point probably..
Exercise more..
Eat more meat..
Eat less vegetables..
Help more people..
Stay up later..
Wake up earlier..

But, this isn't my way of saying I need to give up..
But rather.. A reminder to myself.. That this is my limit..
And I have to surpass it somehow still..
I.. Need to keep fighting this to get stronger..
I need to be stronger..
Not for me.. But everyone..
That way.. I know I will fight that much harder.

Feather..

The freedom I once felt seems so far away..
Even when barely any time has passed..
And, I can't help but feel the toll it has taken on me already..
I miss it..
I miss me..
I miss them..
Everyone there.. Everything there.. Even myself, there..
Why?..
Because.. I was remembered.. I was depended completely on..
With full one hundred percent faith..
Without question..
And, I could see it.
I was something I have never been before..
Strong..
Following the winds of freedom understanding that while I was there..
Nothing could stop me from being the me who I have always dreamed to be..
Doing everything..
Doing anything..
Being everything..
Being anything..
Letting my heart speak.
I held absolutely no hesitation in my words or actions..
I held no regrets in my words or actions..
I trusted every individual there to see who I was..
Even.. If no one could see the difference I could see it..
And, I could feel it.
I can't help but miss it.. Already.
Like a feather dancing freely in the wind..
The winds have blown me past desires home..

New Living..

Home.. Somewhere I just refuse to be right now..
It just seems so unreal being back after something like that..
I remember it so clearly even now..
Every second of it..
Every minute of it..
Every hour of it..
I just want to hold onto it..
And all I could wish for right now is to go back..
It couldn't of gone better..
I was everything I wanted to be..
Did everything I wanted to do..
And, I was even stupid just for that moment.
The 'new' feeling, it's still here staying right by my side and I don't even know how..
The people there.. I just don't feel the same without being around them..
Talking to them.. Having fun with them..
It just doesn't feel right that time has gone on..
And, if anything.. My prediction was one hundred percent correct..
This road trip probably did mean more to me than anyone else..
Everyone misses it..
But, probably never as much as I will..
For the first time ever I got to be someone different..
Carefree..
Nothing but fun on the mind..
Forgetting all my worries and actually being happy for once..
Smiling.. Cause I wanted to..
Laughing.. Cause I wanted to..

I drove at 160km/h..
I drove someone elses' car..
I climbed up the mountain..
I woke up at 7.30am after sleeping at 4am to jog and run around for 3 hours..
I organized the road trip..
I drank energy drinks..
I drank alcohol..
I followed my feelings of the moment..
I met a wild seal for the first time..
I tried to swim with it..
I was drunk/tipsy for the first time ever..
I cuddled with someone cause they said they were cold.. And, I only just met them..
I experienced the fun sugar high like I did as a kid.. Non-stop abs hurting laughter..
I laughed like I meant it..
I smiled like I meant it..
I tackled someone down into the water for fun..
I spent all night talking to someone by the barbeque..
I drank shots of 40% if anything.. Willingly playing a drinking game..
I took 8.07 gigs of videos and photos..
I drove on a road trip over a long distance..
I jumped across rocks bare foot like the world didn't matter..
I shouted around like no one was around..
I missed a work deadline (which I'm not proud of)..
I randomly brushed my teeth in a room with someone I just met..
I Fixed a broken toilet (sigh..)..
I Woke up at 7.30am to clean a house..
I Drove somewhere where I had no clue at all where I was..
I Walked into an adult shop..
I Went grocery shopping with one other person for everyone..
I Bought $40 alcohol..
I Slept top bunk..
I Sang and rapped like I meant it..
I Joined in the photos happily like I was supposed to be there..
I Played pranks on people with friends..
I Took a video of those pranks..
I Did things without hesitation just cause someone said to 'just once'..
I Paid for everything like I had infinite money..
I Drove around on a whim trying to find places..
I Visited an op shop for the first time..
I Pat a random cat that I didn't even know..
I Coma'd out with someone else after drinking..
I Crawedl up the stairs drunk..
I The stumbled down the stairs drunk..
I ate candy for breakfast.. Lunch.. And dinner.. Along with the actual food..
I Collapsed in front of the toilet door after drinking..
I Got kicked in the head and hand got stepped on after collapsing in front of the toilet..
I did many other things we also said to to keep at Tauranga only and amongst us..
(What happens in Tauranga stays in Tauranga)
I Visited somewhere that I have never been before...
I lived..

I just can't forget this trip no matter how hard I try and all I want to do is go back..
Go back to being someone I never was..
Go back to having fun in a place I have never been..
Do things that I have never done..
Be with people that I have never been with..
Just being comfortable with who I was..
Where I was..
With who I was with..
Just living.
Like I have always dreamed of..
Living.

To everyone on the Tauranga Road Trip 2011.. Mt. Maunganui... Thank you =]
For the first smile this blog has ever seen from me..
You will never know how much this has meant to me..
Because from today onward.. I will 'forever' be different.

Being able to say 'forever'..
Running on these 'new' feelings..
Knowing these 'new' people..
And even thinking of trusting these 'new' people..
I can't be the same person I was three days ago.
I won't.
I will keep my dream and who I am today.

New Chapter..

I can almost say that I have waited an eternity for a day much like today..
A road trip that has to be different from any other..
With the people that gave me the 'new' feeling..
the 'new' feeling that tells me to go with the flow..
I can't help but think that.. I have to be more than just different on this trip..
Maybe by the end of things this road trip will end up meaning more to me than anyone else..
I have to go into this thing as a new person..
Around people that have yet to know who I really am..

I have to do things that I would never do back in Auckland..
I have to think ways that I would never think back in Auckland..
I have to act ways that I never would act back in Auckland..
I have to be 'new'.
I know I will enjoy it if I do just that..
I want to remember this trip for the rest of my days..
For the rest of my life..
Meeting old faces or 'face' in this case that I haven't seen in so many years..
The new faces I only just met this year..
The new faces I only just met a few days prior..
The new faces I have yet to meet..
If I come out of this road trip.. Different then.. I know I've done something right..
Something right with the start of the next 'new' twenty years of my life.
Before this trip ends.. I have to do something stupid.
Just this once.
No regrets..
Just once.
Just pure stupid fun..

Three hours until I need to get up..
Three hours until my life could possibly change forever..
No holding back.

New..

Four times.. In a row.. I've been the four balls each time with different faces..
Happy faces.. People greeting.. People meeting..
And I did the same..
Sitting in a table with the same people that I will be seeing in one day..
Getting to know them better..
I can't help but feel that meeting these new faces.. I feel a little bit different.
I mean I always knew these people existed..
But I don't know why..
I don't know how..
And I can't put my finger on it..
But just talking to these people I can't help but feel..
Something is supposed to change from today onwards..
Seeing these happy faces..
These people saying the same about my own (happy) face..
I don't understand this feeling..
But I know I haven't felt like this for so long..
If I ever have even felt like this for a while..
Being remembered.. I guess for now we can call it that.
New as it is..
I know I don't want to let this feeling slip me by.
Perhaps it's an opportunity with only 41 days to go.
Like I used to always say..
Back when I meant it.
Go with the flow.
No consequences..
No repercussions..
Just the flow.
Like the summer days of days long past.
New feeling..

Questions..

I need to change who I am..
Inside and out..
I know I have adopted this dream..
And still even now I know I have no intentions of dropping it..
And I can never let myself drop it either..
But I can't help but think I'm becoming more and more lonely as time goes on..
The people around me grow more in numbers..
But it seems my participation is growing less in effort..
So many new faces..
But none that will remember my name by the end of the night..
I try going out..
I try to be different..
But after so long is it really so easy as to just being able to do it on the spot?
I know I have to be a different person..
But how?..
Am.. I really so weak that I don't have to capacity to change?
Shouldn't a person in complete control of their emotions..
Be able to change how they want?
When they want?
To who they want?
And still..
This is all I am..
No matter who I meet..
No matter how many more people I meet..
No matter how many more people I help..
I can't change this no matter how much I want to..

I want to be different.. Just why.. What do I need to help me change?..
Once my life ends.. I don't want to be the one saying that I don't want to be who I am now..
Once my life ends.. I don't want to keep regretting everything like I do now..
I want to be able to live my life without regret..
Helping everyone still..
And, keeping my dream to help still..

Today.. I came out trying to be different..
But, nothing change..
I'm still the same person..
I'm still just as bad as always..
And I just can't socialize like I used to..
Everytime.. Seeing that person..
I just can't help but feel anger in amongst my dead feelings..
Even if I don't show it at all..
Knowing that you can give a person everything..
Be there for them to the end..
And all he can do is betray you with the people that meant most in your life.
I don't think I want to come out knowing it will be like this all the time.

Confusion is all I am..
I started using this blog as a medium for my thoughts..
Shrouding them in mystery..
Keeping meanings hidden amongst words..
Making what I had to say hard to decipher..
But it's not hard to see the further I go..
The more I show here..
Maybe.. Just maybe it's a sign showing that I'm becoming more unstable..
Or maybe.. I'm just getting weaker..