Unpredicted..

I don't really know how to phrase this myself anymore..
But, I suppose the disappointments came in faster than I ever predicted..
However.. There was one thing that I never accounted for..
I never expected that I would feel a little bit of happiness by today's end..
Especially after all the emotions that I lost.. I really.. Surprised myself.
I tried my best to hide the fact that the first twenty years of my life were over..

But some people really just went out of their way to make yesterday count..
Seeing a friend I never see, spending time with her and getting the first present..
And, opening it just really let me see how much she remembered when I talked..
Though I doubt she'd ever read this..

A friend of mine going out of her way to say happy birthday..
Even though we lost contact a long time ago through a strong falling out..
One of the bigger surprises of the day..

The collection of people that attacked me with birthday wishes..
Despite yesterday being another typical coaching day in my head..

The second birthday present from another friend that I should probably talk to more..

The birthday wish attempts at 12am on the dot..
Didn't really think anyone would even all the way from Wellington..

But I guess one thing I expected was that..
Even before my birthdays end..
I was there having to talk people through their troubles yet again..
Spending effort on my birthday despite those people wishing me a good birthday..
I still had to be there to comfort them and make them feel better..
On the day I needed to feel better the most..
But I expected this as much so truthfully I'm not surprised..
Just more disappointment in the long run..

Twenty years have come and gone.. And it's now a new era for me.
I just might need to live this one up this time.

Expectations..

One day left..
Everything I have done for these years will show through this moment..
Or so I think.
For all the expectations in the world that I have tried to create for myself..
I'm telling myself this time in particular I shouldn't be having any..
More so recently anyways..
But I suppose time is the only thing standing in the way..
In a way..
This could make or break how I come to think for a long time after this.
Something so simple..
But, it will definitely show me something I want to see..
Something, I need to see.
One day.

Test..

I have only a few days left..
Of the the so called 'best days' of my life..
And yet I just think I wasted it completely..
It's kinda sad in a way..
Even I can admit it..
And all I have to show is regret after regret after regret..
And, I don't even know why..
I gave my best to everyone in my life..
I gave my all in all that I tried to do..
But, I suppose it's maybe it cause I never gave myself the best?..
Unfortunately though.. With so little time left..
I'll never have the chance to catch up..
I'll never have to chance to know..
I'll only ever feel the regret of my young life forever to come.
But.. No tears for.. At least 48 days..
It's too bad those 48 days have to include the 30th..
But, I know I have to make it just to test myself.. That much is true.

Dreamworld..

I used to love sleeping didn't I?..
Now that I remember..
Getting that excitement to just go to sleep..
Heading off to the dream world like that..
Because, the best part was I would always wake up..
And, straight after I would remember the whole dream..
I would be able to wake up whenever I wanted during the dream..
And, at times I would even know if I was dreaming..
I would even say to myself.. "this is a dream"
It used to be a world I had complete control over..
And I loved it.
But now.. I'm lucky to even remember a portion of the dream..
I know I've been dreaming..
It's a feeling that just can't escape my body..
But I never know what about anymore..
And, if by that slim chance I remember my dream..
By the day's end I would have already forgotten it..
Completely..

It makes me wonder if this is only because I've lost my dream..
Replacing it with a dream not my own?..
A dream for the world..
A dream against me..
I suppose it's an answer I'll never get.

Patience..

Somehow.. This used to be a day I look forward to every year without hesitation..
But, now.. Looking at it I don't understand how I ever could..
I mean.. I do plenty every year for those around me..
And, if there was ever a time to demonstrate gratitude this would be it..
Right?..
But.. Why am I so scared of this day now..
The only image placed in my head is the disappointment of the day..
Replacing excitement entirely.
In essence I should expect this pattern of thoughts by now..
If, for even a second I was honest..
I would know that this was my fault entirely..
Until now, today on this very day I have yet to even call anyone my best ......
And, it's not without reason I suppose..
I've completely refused every opportunity..
Denied every opportunity..
Despite how many times it's revealed itself to me with a different face..
If anything, it could of been anyone in my life..
But I just don't have the capacity for trust anymore..
I guess I have yet to grasp the idea of letting any true emotion slip..
Even today..
I guess..
I.. Just want to give every reason to be trustworthy..
But, even I think it's unfair to not trust in return..
So I guess all I can do is wait it out..
After all.. I told myself I had to last at least one year..
and, until then.. I wouldn't give up.
After one year.. Then, I'll see how far I have come as a person.
I only have to last 50 more days right?..

Young..

"Age has always been how we measured experience in the world.. But it doesn't come down to how long you've been around but instead, how much you've been around with the very steps that you take in the world."
-Robin Tey

Honestly speaking.. After twenty years.. I really haven't lived that long at all..
But after twenty short years.. It's not too hard for me to grasp the world we live in..
As humans, we're still far too young to probably even walk this earth..
Let along exist in this universe that we can barely comprehend..
We're not ready..
I'm.. Not ready.. Not yet.
There's still too much in life to do when it's so short..
But one thing I do know is that I'll finish my dream before then.
I'll make the world recognize me..
Not for me as a person.. But my actions alone..
It will be the example the world learns from and lives on..
This young world, in complete naivety will grow into something big.
And, I'll be there.. The whole way no matter what I have to do.
I promised myself, and everyone else I would despite how hard it gets..
I will.. I have to. If I don't.. Who else would? Am I right?
I'll become the best at what I do if it's the last thing I'll do..
I'll be brave..
I'll be strong..
I'll be trustworthy..
I'll be dependable..
I'll be capable..
I will be everything in this world.
Just watch me.. No matter how much I complain..
How much I want to cry.. Shout.. No matter how much it hurts..
Or what emotions befall me.. For this young world..
Because no one else can.. I'll fix it.
I'll create the real idea of friendship, that will last forever.
Something that will keep flying through the clouds.. Past the stars.. And, over the horizon.
Watch me shine..

I'm still young at heart...

Impulse?

If I didn't now.. I know I never would any day tomorrow and after..

Confessions

Someone once told me a story of man who died, having never lived once.
Living in complete secrecy his entire life away from what he could of been.
Simply because he held hesitation of heart.. Everyday.
Simple.. Because he could never confess.
Confess to his feelings, regrets, sorrows and pains..
And, he lived life to the end in this one way.
It made sense to me that this was a life 'Un-lived.'
Unnatural.

The reasoning behind the telling of the story was crystal clear to the both of us..
But, my mind even now has still not yet accepted the idea..
Maybe, only a little bit more now down the track..
Even if I've known it all along..
I doubt I could ever accept it..
Not as I am now..
Not as I was yesterday..
And, not as I will be tomorrow..

I know it.. Everyone knows it.. But, it's only a topic in my absence..
My existence.. In it's complete entirety is a mystery the world will never know it seems..
To my family.. To my friends.. And, even more so to myself..

Moments exist as fleeting lapses of time that fill our very lives..
And within these moments exist opportunities..
Finite stepping ladders that exist in a temporary state..
Offering only a higher ground in life..
By absolute logic, it's only natural to understand the necessary executable actions..
Everyone is blessed with these offerings within their lifetime repeatedly..
Beyond numeral possibilities..
I've ensured that the people around me grasp these offerings tightly..
Never, to let them go..
Never, to let them pass..
Never, to let them regret never having taken them..
And, yet here I sit.. Here I stand.. Here I lie..
Having never taken one for myself..

I've been given so many..
Too many..
And yet, I've refused them.. Denied them.. Ignored them..
Simply because I've integrated this lifestyle into my mental state..
Into the depths of my heart..
Everyday... Just once.. I wish I could tell someone.. Anyone..
How I feel..
Tell them who I really am..
What I am really am..
Five years is too long..
Physically.. Mentally.. I've endured perhaps nothing at all in comparison to the rest..
But, to me.. If I could just have a break it would be enough..
I've spent everyday dedicated to those around me..
Helping them everyday, never faltering once..
Ignoring every trace of emotion..
No matter how sad I am that day..
No matter how angry I am that day..
It never mattered because it was me..

But, right now just maybe.. If I could confess..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel all these lapses of chest pain on my left side..
Directly where my heart is.. I tell myself it's not my heart hurting..
But, when I lay my hand there, it's never beat faster..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel all this back pain when I'm just trying to better myself..
Directly hindering me from being able to climb out of bed.. I tell myself it's just coincidence..
But, it only happens when I'm in this state..
During lapses of blissful happiness short lived as they are..
I never felt a thing, my back pain was non-existent..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to push myself despite all these pains..
Collapsing everyday from forcing myself to physically do better..
Like I'm telling myself I'm not good enough..
Then maybe I wouldn't feel the need to push myself through more pain..
Bleeding every time I try to physically do better..
Like I'm telling myself my effort is real..

If you're out there.. Whoever you are, Give me a reason to live..
One for my own..
I'm sorry if you've given me the opportunity to confess..
And if I never took it..
Even when you tried so hard..
But unfortunately.. I'm too broken to make it easy..
Even if my goal is the world..

I'm hesitant at heart...

Annual...

It's been three years today huh?..
I suppose life is supposed to be lived without regret right?..
Guess I lucked out here.. Hahah..
There's so much I could of done better..
So much I shouldn't of done..
So much I should of just realized..
The good.. The bad.. The hard.. The easy..
Every single one.. Was a regret.

Surface

Today.. Was a day unlike most that I've had before me..
The time of the moment was short.. But the time of the moment was needed..
It's been a long time since I've gotten to talk to this person like this..
And, I had fun.
I said things I expected to say..
I said things I didn't expect to say..
The person said things I expected to hear..
And, things I of course didn't..
But, regardless the middle ground.. Words were exchanged that was probably needed.
Truth be told.. There was so much more I probably should of said..
But, knowing that happiness was something the person had found..
I left it at what I did no matter what I regret saying or regret not saying..
What I don't regret is letting the person's smile stay despite my personal wishes of speech.
But.. I've got to say.. It was pretty unexpected that I actually had to fight tears..
I expected that tears had run dry..
But let's hope that nights embrace kept my battle of tears hidden..
This was the closest that I've come to crying in .. 304 days.. Too close..
But I managed..
I'm glad.. If you ever read this one day..
Thank you.. For you.
For everything that happened.. Up until now you were hands down the best part of my life.

6 days.

Tired

"The world is a big place filled with too many people to meet. But within the numbers that you do.. Someone there, they will fight for you.. To love and protect you because they choose to. Because, they already know that you were never born into this world to be alone. That.. Is impossible"
-Robin Tey (For you)
"Life equips you with everything you need to live it.. But.. Me?.. I'm equipped with an unsheathed dull blade.."
-Robin Tey (For me)

Tired..
I am.. Tired..
Tired of this arena of death that's become home..
Fighting.. One warrior of an obstacle after another..
Denied even the smallest loss.. For any given second..
A nameless warrior.
I have nothing to show.. I have no one to show to.. I have nothing.. I have no one..
Just.. Me.. Alone..

I've given the world every reason to trust me..
I've given the world every reason to remember me..
I've given the world one hundred percent..
I just want to find someone to trust.. Even if just one person..
I just want someone to remember me.. Just one..
Even if all I can get is one percent of the effort I give.. I'll take it..
For all the want in the world.. If I could get something..
This would all change.. I would change..
The more I give.. The less I get..

I'm slowly forgetting.. The memories that littered my past life..
The small ones.. The big ones.. The important ones..
Slowly.. But surely.. As hard as I try.. They escape me..
I don't remember trust..
I don't remember hurt..
I don't remember friendship..
I don't remember betrayal..
I.. Remember.. Nothing.. But fatigue..

I don't want to smile on the outside..
I don't want to laugh on the outside..
I don't want to cry on the inside..
I don't want to hate people..
If I didn't have to live devoid of self life this.. Just maybe.. I can see the world differently..
I.. Just want someone.. It doesn't matter who.. Just someone willing to see my smile instead.
Just so I don't have to spend every day filling the voids of my life with blood and physical pain..
So.. I don't have to struggle to my absolute limit in all that I do..
If you're out there.. I'm sorry.. Because chances are, I've made it too hard for you to help me..
But, it doesn't mean I don't want your help.. It just means.. I'm hard to get to.

I just want to smile again.. For real..
I just want to laugh again.. For real..
I just want to cry again.. Just one time..
All.. I want is to live.. Someone.. Please.. Just let me live! Even if for one second..
If.. I could just feel my heart again..
I only have my.......

I am tired at heart...