Broken.

What's wrong with me?..
Is my way of life always going to be this distorted?..
Covered in the fog of regret.. Forever.
Who am I kidding to say that I've lived without regrets?
One look back.. And it's impossible not to see that I miss everything.
IF at least one person stayed to care.
IF at least one person were here right now to care.. Just anyone.
Life.. It would be different.. So much more different..
Why is it that I've given everything.. Literally everything I can to everyone..
I put my health on the line.. I put my own heart on the line..
I've poured every foundation of my being.. The entirety of it into everyone around me..
And they know it.

Yes, I still believe that what I'm doing is right..
And, yes I came into this not expecting anything in return..
But, to think that chasing this dream for five years..
That people would at least remember you..
For the insanity of your efforts..
The sincerity of your heart..
Your earnest desires..
Your care.

So what if it's impossible?..
This dream of mind.
But, never tell me it's stupid..
Not until you take a hard look around at the world we live in..
Everyday.. Someone out there needs help.
Is it really wrong to lend a helping hand for the greater cause?
Is it really wrong that I've set myself on this downward spiral of a dream into the dark?..
Is it really wrong.. That I've pushed myself to believe that I'm forever weak?..
Just so I'll push myself everyday in whatever I do to that extent?..
In 63 days.. I've been sick for more than 20 of those days?..
In 63 days.. I've collapsed more than 15 times from exhaustion?.. 4 times yesterday..
In 288 days.. I've stopped myself from crying even just once..
In 766 days and 6 hours of the best time of my life with that one girl..
Only three people.. Bothered to check up on me.
But, they stopped replying immediately after I said I was okay with a smile.. No chase.
Not my so called best friend though, not at all.
As for the other people who bothered to check up on me?..
They decided to give me reason to distrust people in general.
Funny how.. You spend five long years..
Forcing yourself to believe in the good of people..
Forcing yourself to forget about yourself and put others first..
Forcing yourself everyday to get stronger for those very people..
Helping people day after day when it's just not your job too..
When the list gets too big to even remember..
Was it really too much to ask for a bit more effort than what I got?..
Maybe it's just wrong of me to ask someone to care at least one hundredth of the amount I do..

Is it really so hard to ask for someone to care that you're alive?..
I've kept quiet for five long years..
But to think.. That people wouldn't even bother saying thank you once in a while..
Instead?.. They betray you in the way that hits home most..
Instead of giving you reason to trust they take it away and show you distrust.
I still can't believe that someone on this planet even has the ability to make me hate them..
Me, the one person who's forgiven everyone in his life for everything..
The one person, who has decided to help everyone as my dream regardless of social standing in my life..
Me.. The one person that was willing to sacrifice everything just to see people smiling..
And yet, no matter how angry this person makes me..
I've vowed to keep my emotions calm..
To keep my emotions inside until this world of ours improves.. One way or another.
Despite seeing this individual more than enough during the week..
Maybe I've chosen not to do anything cause I promised someone I wouldn't..
All I know is that.. This is what we are, humans.

I've never once told myself life was hard.. Never.. Not once.
I've always told myself it was easy.. And, it still is.
But.. One thing has been made forever clear to me..
I hate humans.. I'll admit it right here and now.
I detest them.. I refuse to be one.. With the limitations of one..
Maybe I'm crazy to hold onto this dream..
But maybe.. Someone has to.
I've decided to hold a heart stronger than any other.. Rejecting the emotions will hinder me..
The emotions that make me human..
The only chain to bring me down?.. A friendship true..
But fortunately.. That's obviously impossible for me and I've learned to accept it..
If I were to stay this way forever.. Then this dream will forever stay clear in my mind..
And it's something I refuse to let go..
Because the world needs someone that isn't human.
To make those humans around me stronger.
If.. I was to be happy.. I too would forget my dream and bask in what it means to be human..
A selfish desire of the human heart..
Not that I'm not without the desire..
But it's something I have to learn.

I am broken at heart.