'New' Continuation..

I never imagined that I would be able to carry it on..
So successfully..
So smoothly..
So swiftly..
But I have.. And I will continue to do so from here on out..

Seeing the same faces I saw just three days ago..
And, only a small quantity of them..
It became even more obvious to me that I have changed..
I found myself talking instead of listening..
I found myself trusting instead of being trusted..
Saying things I never would of normally..
Even if it was something so small..
So miniscule.. And admittedly probably never even picked up on..
Even if it was too disguised to acknowledge..
I said it..
And, I know it wasn't an accident that I did..
This 'new' feeling that's running away..
I will keep chasing it.

Today, despite the monetary costs just for food..
I had a lot of laughs.. It.. Was fun.

Exhaust..

I have never truly learned the meaning of self-care..
I have an appetite equivalent to a black hole as I've been constantly reminded..
Yet, it's comprised of nothing but meat..
I have pushed myself everyday with exercises that cause me to collapse on the spot..
That cause me to bleed and shake uncontrollably..
Regardless of time.. Whether in the evening at 7pm..
Or at 5am after just getting home..
I have never slept early..
Something that everyone already knows..
Ever since college I've let the bad habit come in between my personal health..
Spending my time looking after my friends regardless of time..
I have refused to drink energy drinks..
I have refused to drink coffee..
Relying completely on my own strength to stay up..
Even today this routine continues..

But, I have never been like this before..
I have never stopped in the middle of an exercise routine abruptly just to take a breather..
I have never not finished my designated routine..
I have never fallen asleep behind the wheel nearly crashing into a car, with a passenger..
I have never found exercise so difficult or my reactions and movements so slow and sluggish..
I have never replied so lazily or shared so little words when at home..
I have never gotten cold so quickly before..
I have never had heavy eyes from morning to night like this before..

But this pattern will probably never change..
I will only feel more exhaust from this point probably..
Exercise more..
Eat more meat..
Eat less vegetables..
Help more people..
Stay up later..
Wake up earlier..

But, this isn't my way of saying I need to give up..
But rather.. A reminder to myself.. That this is my limit..
And I have to surpass it somehow still..
I.. Need to keep fighting this to get stronger..
I need to be stronger..
Not for me.. But everyone..
That way.. I know I will fight that much harder.

Feather..

The freedom I once felt seems so far away..
Even when barely any time has passed..
And, I can't help but feel the toll it has taken on me already..
I miss it..
I miss me..
I miss them..
Everyone there.. Everything there.. Even myself, there..
Why?..
Because.. I was remembered.. I was depended completely on..
With full one hundred percent faith..
Without question..
And, I could see it.
I was something I have never been before..
Strong..
Following the winds of freedom understanding that while I was there..
Nothing could stop me from being the me who I have always dreamed to be..
Doing everything..
Doing anything..
Being everything..
Being anything..
Letting my heart speak.
I held absolutely no hesitation in my words or actions..
I held no regrets in my words or actions..
I trusted every individual there to see who I was..
Even.. If no one could see the difference I could see it..
And, I could feel it.
I can't help but miss it.. Already.
Like a feather dancing freely in the wind..
The winds have blown me past desires home..

New Living..

Home.. Somewhere I just refuse to be right now..
It just seems so unreal being back after something like that..
I remember it so clearly even now..
Every second of it..
Every minute of it..
Every hour of it..
I just want to hold onto it..
And all I could wish for right now is to go back..
It couldn't of gone better..
I was everything I wanted to be..
Did everything I wanted to do..
And, I was even stupid just for that moment.
The 'new' feeling, it's still here staying right by my side and I don't even know how..
The people there.. I just don't feel the same without being around them..
Talking to them.. Having fun with them..
It just doesn't feel right that time has gone on..
And, if anything.. My prediction was one hundred percent correct..
This road trip probably did mean more to me than anyone else..
Everyone misses it..
But, probably never as much as I will..
For the first time ever I got to be someone different..
Carefree..
Nothing but fun on the mind..
Forgetting all my worries and actually being happy for once..
Smiling.. Cause I wanted to..
Laughing.. Cause I wanted to..

I drove at 160km/h..
I drove someone elses' car..
I climbed up the mountain..
I woke up at 7.30am after sleeping at 4am to jog and run around for 3 hours..
I organized the road trip..
I drank energy drinks..
I drank alcohol..
I followed my feelings of the moment..
I met a wild seal for the first time..
I tried to swim with it..
I was drunk/tipsy for the first time ever..
I cuddled with someone cause they said they were cold.. And, I only just met them..
I experienced the fun sugar high like I did as a kid.. Non-stop abs hurting laughter..
I laughed like I meant it..
I smiled like I meant it..
I tackled someone down into the water for fun..
I spent all night talking to someone by the barbeque..
I drank shots of 40% if anything.. Willingly playing a drinking game..
I took 8.07 gigs of videos and photos..
I drove on a road trip over a long distance..
I jumped across rocks bare foot like the world didn't matter..
I shouted around like no one was around..
I missed a work deadline (which I'm not proud of)..
I randomly brushed my teeth in a room with someone I just met..
I Fixed a broken toilet (sigh..)..
I Woke up at 7.30am to clean a house..
I Drove somewhere where I had no clue at all where I was..
I Walked into an adult shop..
I Went grocery shopping with one other person for everyone..
I Bought $40 alcohol..
I Slept top bunk..
I Sang and rapped like I meant it..
I Joined in the photos happily like I was supposed to be there..
I Played pranks on people with friends..
I Took a video of those pranks..
I Did things without hesitation just cause someone said to 'just once'..
I Paid for everything like I had infinite money..
I Drove around on a whim trying to find places..
I Visited an op shop for the first time..
I Pat a random cat that I didn't even know..
I Coma'd out with someone else after drinking..
I Crawedl up the stairs drunk..
I The stumbled down the stairs drunk..
I ate candy for breakfast.. Lunch.. And dinner.. Along with the actual food..
I Collapsed in front of the toilet door after drinking..
I Got kicked in the head and hand got stepped on after collapsing in front of the toilet..
I did many other things we also said to to keep at Tauranga only and amongst us..
(What happens in Tauranga stays in Tauranga)
I Visited somewhere that I have never been before...
I lived..

I just can't forget this trip no matter how hard I try and all I want to do is go back..
Go back to being someone I never was..
Go back to having fun in a place I have never been..
Do things that I have never done..
Be with people that I have never been with..
Just being comfortable with who I was..
Where I was..
With who I was with..
Just living.
Like I have always dreamed of..
Living.

To everyone on the Tauranga Road Trip 2011.. Mt. Maunganui... Thank you =]
For the first smile this blog has ever seen from me..
You will never know how much this has meant to me..
Because from today onward.. I will 'forever' be different.

Being able to say 'forever'..
Running on these 'new' feelings..
Knowing these 'new' people..
And even thinking of trusting these 'new' people..
I can't be the same person I was three days ago.
I won't.
I will keep my dream and who I am today.

New Chapter..

I can almost say that I have waited an eternity for a day much like today..
A road trip that has to be different from any other..
With the people that gave me the 'new' feeling..
the 'new' feeling that tells me to go with the flow..
I can't help but think that.. I have to be more than just different on this trip..
Maybe by the end of things this road trip will end up meaning more to me than anyone else..
I have to go into this thing as a new person..
Around people that have yet to know who I really am..

I have to do things that I would never do back in Auckland..
I have to think ways that I would never think back in Auckland..
I have to act ways that I never would act back in Auckland..
I have to be 'new'.
I know I will enjoy it if I do just that..
I want to remember this trip for the rest of my days..
For the rest of my life..
Meeting old faces or 'face' in this case that I haven't seen in so many years..
The new faces I only just met this year..
The new faces I only just met a few days prior..
The new faces I have yet to meet..
If I come out of this road trip.. Different then.. I know I've done something right..
Something right with the start of the next 'new' twenty years of my life.
Before this trip ends.. I have to do something stupid.
Just this once.
No regrets..
Just once.
Just pure stupid fun..

Three hours until I need to get up..
Three hours until my life could possibly change forever..
No holding back.

New..

Four times.. In a row.. I've been the four balls each time with different faces..
Happy faces.. People greeting.. People meeting..
And I did the same..
Sitting in a table with the same people that I will be seeing in one day..
Getting to know them better..
I can't help but feel that meeting these new faces.. I feel a little bit different.
I mean I always knew these people existed..
But I don't know why..
I don't know how..
And I can't put my finger on it..
But just talking to these people I can't help but feel..
Something is supposed to change from today onwards..
Seeing these happy faces..
These people saying the same about my own (happy) face..
I don't understand this feeling..
But I know I haven't felt like this for so long..
If I ever have even felt like this for a while..
Being remembered.. I guess for now we can call it that.
New as it is..
I know I don't want to let this feeling slip me by.
Perhaps it's an opportunity with only 41 days to go.
Like I used to always say..
Back when I meant it.
Go with the flow.
No consequences..
No repercussions..
Just the flow.
Like the summer days of days long past.
New feeling..

Questions..

I need to change who I am..
Inside and out..
I know I have adopted this dream..
And still even now I know I have no intentions of dropping it..
And I can never let myself drop it either..
But I can't help but think I'm becoming more and more lonely as time goes on..
The people around me grow more in numbers..
But it seems my participation is growing less in effort..
So many new faces..
But none that will remember my name by the end of the night..
I try going out..
I try to be different..
But after so long is it really so easy as to just being able to do it on the spot?
I know I have to be a different person..
But how?..
Am.. I really so weak that I don't have to capacity to change?
Shouldn't a person in complete control of their emotions..
Be able to change how they want?
When they want?
To who they want?
And still..
This is all I am..
No matter who I meet..
No matter how many more people I meet..
No matter how many more people I help..
I can't change this no matter how much I want to..

I want to be different.. Just why.. What do I need to help me change?..
Once my life ends.. I don't want to be the one saying that I don't want to be who I am now..
Once my life ends.. I don't want to keep regretting everything like I do now..
I want to be able to live my life without regret..
Helping everyone still..
And, keeping my dream to help still..

Today.. I came out trying to be different..
But, nothing change..
I'm still the same person..
I'm still just as bad as always..
And I just can't socialize like I used to..
Everytime.. Seeing that person..
I just can't help but feel anger in amongst my dead feelings..
Even if I don't show it at all..
Knowing that you can give a person everything..
Be there for them to the end..
And all he can do is betray you with the people that meant most in your life.
I don't think I want to come out knowing it will be like this all the time.

Confusion is all I am..
I started using this blog as a medium for my thoughts..
Shrouding them in mystery..
Keeping meanings hidden amongst words..
Making what I had to say hard to decipher..
But it's not hard to see the further I go..
The more I show here..
Maybe.. Just maybe it's a sign showing that I'm becoming more unstable..
Or maybe.. I'm just getting weaker..