Broken.

What's wrong with me?..
Is my way of life always going to be this distorted?..
Covered in the fog of regret.. Forever.
Who am I kidding to say that I've lived without regrets?
One look back.. And it's impossible not to see that I miss everything.
IF at least one person stayed to care.
IF at least one person were here right now to care.. Just anyone.
Life.. It would be different.. So much more different..
Why is it that I've given everything.. Literally everything I can to everyone..
I put my health on the line.. I put my own heart on the line..
I've poured every foundation of my being.. The entirety of it into everyone around me..
And they know it.

Yes, I still believe that what I'm doing is right..
And, yes I came into this not expecting anything in return..
But, to think that chasing this dream for five years..
That people would at least remember you..
For the insanity of your efforts..
The sincerity of your heart..
Your earnest desires..
Your care.

So what if it's impossible?..
This dream of mind.
But, never tell me it's stupid..
Not until you take a hard look around at the world we live in..
Everyday.. Someone out there needs help.
Is it really wrong to lend a helping hand for the greater cause?
Is it really wrong that I've set myself on this downward spiral of a dream into the dark?..
Is it really wrong.. That I've pushed myself to believe that I'm forever weak?..
Just so I'll push myself everyday in whatever I do to that extent?..
In 63 days.. I've been sick for more than 20 of those days?..
In 63 days.. I've collapsed more than 15 times from exhaustion?.. 4 times yesterday..
In 288 days.. I've stopped myself from crying even just once..
In 766 days and 6 hours of the best time of my life with that one girl..
Only three people.. Bothered to check up on me.
But, they stopped replying immediately after I said I was okay with a smile.. No chase.
Not my so called best friend though, not at all.
As for the other people who bothered to check up on me?..
They decided to give me reason to distrust people in general.
Funny how.. You spend five long years..
Forcing yourself to believe in the good of people..
Forcing yourself to forget about yourself and put others first..
Forcing yourself everyday to get stronger for those very people..
Helping people day after day when it's just not your job too..
When the list gets too big to even remember..
Was it really too much to ask for a bit more effort than what I got?..
Maybe it's just wrong of me to ask someone to care at least one hundredth of the amount I do..

Is it really so hard to ask for someone to care that you're alive?..
I've kept quiet for five long years..
But to think.. That people wouldn't even bother saying thank you once in a while..
Instead?.. They betray you in the way that hits home most..
Instead of giving you reason to trust they take it away and show you distrust.
I still can't believe that someone on this planet even has the ability to make me hate them..
Me, the one person who's forgiven everyone in his life for everything..
The one person, who has decided to help everyone as my dream regardless of social standing in my life..
Me.. The one person that was willing to sacrifice everything just to see people smiling..
And yet, no matter how angry this person makes me..
I've vowed to keep my emotions calm..
To keep my emotions inside until this world of ours improves.. One way or another.
Despite seeing this individual more than enough during the week..
Maybe I've chosen not to do anything cause I promised someone I wouldn't..
All I know is that.. This is what we are, humans.

I've never once told myself life was hard.. Never.. Not once.
I've always told myself it was easy.. And, it still is.
But.. One thing has been made forever clear to me..
I hate humans.. I'll admit it right here and now.
I detest them.. I refuse to be one.. With the limitations of one..
Maybe I'm crazy to hold onto this dream..
But maybe.. Someone has to.
I've decided to hold a heart stronger than any other.. Rejecting the emotions will hinder me..
The emotions that make me human..
The only chain to bring me down?.. A friendship true..
But fortunately.. That's obviously impossible for me and I've learned to accept it..
If I were to stay this way forever.. Then this dream will forever stay clear in my mind..
And it's something I refuse to let go..
Because the world needs someone that isn't human.
To make those humans around me stronger.
If.. I was to be happy.. I too would forget my dream and bask in what it means to be human..
A selfish desire of the human heart..
Not that I'm not without the desire..
But it's something I have to learn.

I am broken at heart.

Remember..

Memories come and gone..
But, I never should have let myself forget this.
We go through life assigning ourselves dreams, ambitions..
A destination to reach.. Something to attain..
All before our time is up..
Keeping up with mortality because we have no choice but to.
Forced conditions that constantly remind us to live life.
Forced conditions that give us a reason to live life so beautifully.

My dream has always been clear in mind.. For as long as I can remember now.
The older I grow.. The less memories I'll be able to hold onto.
But, the older I grow.. The more important my memories will become..
Selecting the ones that mean the most to me..
But.. To let myself forget this.. It's something I can never repeat.

Not too long ago.. I once jumped off a cliff I never thought I would even stand on to begin with..
And during that time.. I revisited my past..
Something I was convinced I would never have to think about again.
But.. The past makes us who we are.. And, there is no need to ever run from it..

Why are you this way?
Why do you try so hard?
Can you live like this forever?
Why are you so selfless?
Why?
Questions asked over and over again by those around me..
But, I always lacked one important feature.. The answer.
This was something I always had in the past..
But, the harder I chased the dream.. The more it consumed me..
And, the more it will continue to..
But.. As long as I remember why I'm fighting to keep this dream it won't matter..

Humanity has lived on this planet for the shortest time of them all..
And yet, we've evolved the fastest in more ways than one..
Evolution has always been our main concern..
The fastest path to the top.
Regardless of the stepping stones along the way.
Regardless of the sacrifices along the way..
But, that is unacceptable in my way of life.
The reason I fight so hard is because.. Of heart.
In search of heart I found care.. Belonging.. Understanding.. Trust.. Belief..
Things I will always desire deep down as long as I live.
But.. Because I am born the way that I am.. I too understand that this is something everyone wants..
Something that everyone will search for.
And it's something I will give..
I care about those around me.. More than people will ever realize..
A life is precious..
No matter what a person has done..
No matter what they will do..
Everyone.. And, I mean everyone deserves the right to live.
I care for every living thing around me..
And, I will remind people about the truth of what a friendship is capable of..
I will be that one person for everyone.
So everyone will always feel cared for..

If you need me.. Come find me.
If you need me.. Let me find you.
Either way.. You're not alone.

There is nothing in this world that will change my mind.. Or my heart.
No force strong enough to reshape my way of life..
No burden too heavy..
Nothing is impossible when you know why..
When you have heart..
I will show you my conviction of heart.
My true resolve.

I care at heart.

Fight.

This will stay here forever as proof.. Never to be forgotten for me.
NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT.

Dream

"Dream big.. Make it impossible! But, never give up on it.. And, never stop believing in it. Your dream will create you. Your dream will make you stronger than you ever believed.. Strong enough to achieve it."
-Robin Tey

To leave this world having made a difference..
For at least one person..
To change this world for the better..
For at least one person..
To change what the world is..
For at least one person..
To leave this world leaving engraving the world belief..
For at least one person..
To have made enough of a difference to be remembered by everyone.
Not for who I am..
Not for what I have done..
But, for the idea I left.
As long as somewhere out there in the world needs me to be there for them..
So they never have to suffer alone..
So they don't have to experience for ever a moment..
So they never have to suffer at all..
I will not die. I will live solely for that if I have to.
I will live.

The Abyss.

I.. Finally managed to take the jump.
Maybe it was wrong to..
Or, maybe it was right..
But I'll never know without letting myself walk to the future.
Maybe I'll think differently..
Maybe I won't.
All I know is that, this will stand here as proof.

Today, many things were made clear to me..
Today, many things changed for me..
Just as I have in my short lifetime.
But..
It's also just as clear to me that things could be a lot more different.
Ever since walking this road..
There has, and only will ever be two roads I could have walked to bring me here.
And, I know that deep down without a doubt.. That this one here is the one I should be on.

Life.. Is perfect.
Family is perfect..
Never have I met individuals in my lifetime that were willing to do so much for more..
The individuals I call family..
Friends is perfect..
Never have I met individuals willing to entrust me with their heaviest burdens..
The individuals I call friends..

What my minds can see.. My eyes can not.
What I understand.. My heart can not.

But.. Something I'll never forget no matter what happens in this life..
For the very thing I despise the most in life..
I'll give my all..
Regardless of repercussions..
I will take everything life has to throw at me without hesitation..
For the sake of this one thing.
This one thing that fills the Earth so infinitely..
My Earth.. Our Earth.

I've been gifted with heart of will.. And, will of heart.
I've been cursed with heart of will.. And, will of heart.
I've been trusted with burdens..
I've been burdened with trust..
I've been weakened by strength..
and.. I've been strengthened by weakness..
I'm starting to understand a little bit more why this is true..
Why this is.
My personal purpose in life.
Everyone has one.. And, everyone chooses their own.
This.. Is the one I have decided on.

Not everyone will agree with my decision.
But, this is worth it.
Worth whatever comes my way..
Worth whatever sacrifice I must make as long as it is mine alone.
I will be strong.

Uncertainty.

Is it fair that I can take this jump when others can't?..
Maybe I can give someone else the chance to take the leap first..
Someone that needs it more than me..
All I know.. Is the longer I wait the harder it'll get..
The more questions there will be..
The more excuses I set before me..
The more the moment.. The chance will slip like every moment before me..
Do I want to belong again?.. What if it's just another fleeting moment again..
Leading to more damage?
If for a second I could belong.. Would it be worth it anymore?
Is there even a 'forever' to hold onto in this world?..
I don't know today.. But I will tomorrow..
That's what I'll say for now.. But I'm pretty sure I won't..

Leap of faith..

I'm doing it.
I'm going to jump..
I don't know how far I'll jump..
I don't know if I'll glide..
Or, even if I'll fly.
I just.. Want to jump.

Edge of the unknown..

Something.. Something in me changed again before I had time to realize it.
Talking to people that were always there, but never gave much thought to it.
Just two people.

I taught myself a long time ago that people like these were long dead a long time ago.
But, even with them around.. I wasn't about to let down my guard.. I wasn't about to let it go.
For a dream too big to accomplish alone I knew I still had to.. It was the only way to secure it.
It 'is' the only way to secure it.

Hearing the stories of their lives that they once kept secret..
Watching them.. Let it go..
Watching them.. Trust.
I listened.. Like I always have.
I talked only when I had to to help.. Like I always have.
I kept quiet otherwise.. Like I always have..
I kept everyone at arm's length.. Like I always will..
Smiling when it was necessary..
Laughing when it was necessary..
Lying about myself when it was necessary..

They talked and shared like they belonged in the moment..
Like they belonged where they were.. Right then and there..
I've been fighting so hard to fit in moments like these..
And yet it finally presented itself to me.. But what did I do?
Nothing, I stayed true to the dream of fighting for the world, alone like always.
Arm's length.

It didn't matter if we ended up coming home at 5am talking all night long..
I didn't say anything..
It didn't matter.. As long as I helped someone on that day.

If that was the case, staying true to what I always have then.. Why?
Why is my heart reacting like this now.. So differently?
Why do I care that I didn't take part..
Why.. when questioned about myself did I hesitate only to slip out the truth?
I'm hoping they didn't catch on the depth behind my accidental truth..
Why is it.. When someone claimed to having been damaged property did my heart react in turn.
Am I the same? Damaged..?

I want to tell someone my burdens.. My worries.. My cares.. My weaknesses.. And strengths..
I want to tell someone who I am..
But I know I can't..
Why am I so confused now.. Compared to what I was just the day before?..

I'm standing on the edge.. But.. Do I jump?..
Even if I don't know what's in the abyss?..
Maybe.. I've changed this much again, because life is telling me something..
Maybe.. I've held onto the knowledge of those around me for too long for me to handle..
Maybe.. I am too damaged to carry on without help..
There are too many maybe's to account for..
All I know is, I have to jump or.. I have to step away from the edge.
Let go.. Or, be brave and hold on to my tears.. My sadness.. My burdens.. Their burdens..
Everything.

Funny how it happened on the 11th day of the month..

I am damaged at heart?..

Shadow Chamber

"Sometimes, a secret is only a secret because there isn't anyone to share it with."
-Robin Tey

Every living being is born to selfishness..
In some it's strong.. In others it's weak..
To some it's oblivious.. To some it's obvious..
And, I.. Myself am no exception.
Simply because I was born as I am..
With a mind.. With a soul.. With a heart..
And, as a human.

Having a mind, a soul and a heart entitles us to being human.. Labeling us.. Absolutely.
A mind to conceive the decisions that determine our direction in life..
A soul to control how we execute the very life shaping decisions we make..
And, a heart to understand the consequences of our actions..

Despite all the purity that a heart is capable of it can still exist in two halves..
One harboring the light.. One harboring the dark..
But, neither can exist without the other..
Simply because it is impossible.
To understand what is dark you first have to stand in the light..
To understand what is light you first have to stand in the dark..
To understand happiness, you have experience sadness..
To understand sadness, you have to experience happiness..
The undeniable law of human life.

This.. Truth of human life, written in stone since times' first steps..
Is.. Something I refuse to believe in.
Every human is born to selfishness regardless of reason it will always be there..
Which is why I've chosen to shatter this rule with my own.. My rule of a heart in darkness' light.

My life is far from the Dystopia that many others endure..
Compared, I could even call it perfect..
I've seen, heard and felt the tears and pain of those around me..
And I know now.. That it takes a truly selfless heart to correct this.
My dream of changing the world somehow.. Someway, for the better..
Requires me to transcend the human limitations into selflessness..
Having the heart that can withstand the burden of the world around me on my shoulders alone..
Having the heart that can put even the thing I hate most first..
Having the heart to tear my own heart out for another if I have to.
Without a moment's hesitation.

I've lied many times over..
Giving claim to blissful happiness with a grin too convincing..
Only to put the hearts of others at ease, allowing them to care for themselves first..
I've broken many promises of care..
Claiming to put myself first, so those around me can too..
Only to see them move forward and succeed..
I've lived devoid of self..
Putting emotions away, never letting myself cry..
Only because, someone else around the world needs to cry that much more than me..
I've placed myself last..
Cause, someone needs to..
I've bled, I've sweated, and I've struggled..
But, never have I forgotten this dream of mine to see a better world for those around me..
And, those to come after me one day.

I have listened to an archive of stories of pain and tears becoming the primary outlet..
I have literally been the last one standing during the darkest times of those around me..
I have promoted the recognition of the diseases that plague our world..
I have even dived into the water to help someone in need without hesitation..
And, I will continue to do so for as long as I'm alive.

Even I don't know why I'm saying all this now..
Maybe.. I want someone to just recognize how hard I'm working..
Maybe.. I want someone out there in the world to know that people can care..
Maybe.. I want someone that needs help to come find me..
Maybe, I'm just the naive kid trying to save every tree in the forest..

Despite the impossibility that it's labeled with by most..
It's the same majority sharing the same dream as mine that understand what I can not..
To save a forest from burning, you have to lose some trees in the process..
Sacrifice.

But, isn't every life entitled to life despite how bad a person they may be?
Isn't bad and good only perspective?
Does labeling a guy as bad really strip him or her of all right to live..
I don't think so.
Morally I've always tried to stay correct.. But even that is just a word.

I know we live once.. And maybe that's why people get selfish to attain or they want or can..
Cause they only have a single chance to do so.
And, maybe I should be adopting all my efforts to make something better of myself.
I'm painfully aware that the longer I stay down this path..
Following through with these efforts..
The further into the dark I will fall..
The less people I will trust..
The more I see.. The more I hear.. The more I feel..
The less I will believe in humans altogether.
I've already lost enough to forsake friendship altogether..

For the sake of my dream..
And simply, just cause I don't believe anymore..
I have forsaken myself and true friendship..
Maybe if I didn't do it this way I wouldn't take it so seriously..
But.. Maybe, just maybe.. If someone was reading this..
And that someone came and found me..
Things could change.
But, until then..

I am dark at heart.. For as long as it takes.

DDD?

Lumbar Degenerative Disc Disease?

Degenerative disc disease refers to a syndrome in which a compromised disc causes Low back pain. Lumbar Degenerative Disc Disease usually starts with a torsional (twisting) injury to the lower back, such as when a person rotates to put something on a shelf or swing a golf club. However, the pain is also frequently caused by simple wear and tear on the spine.

Despite its rather dramatic label, degenerative disc disease is fairly common, and it is estimated that at least 30% of people aged 30-50 years old will have some degree of disc space degeneration, although not all will have pain or ever receive a formal diagnosis. In fact, after a patient reaches 60, some level of disc degeneration is deemed to be a normal finding, not the exception.

As discs lose their water content because of disease or age, they lose their height, bringing the vertebrae closer together. As a result, the nerve openings in your spine become more narrow. When this happens, the discs don’t absorb the shocks as well, particularly when you are walking, running, or jumping.

Wear and tear, poor posture, and incorrect body movements can also weaken the disc, causing disc degeneration.

With Symptomatic degenerative disc disease, chronic low back pain sometimes radiates to the hips, or there is pain in the buttocks or thighs while walking; sporadic tingling or weakness through the knees may also be evident. Similar pain may be felt or may increase while sitting, bending, lifting, and twisting. Chronic neck pain can also be caused in the upper spine, with pain radiating to the shoulders, arms and hands. Neck pain may cause interrupted blood supply to the brain resulting in headaches, vertigo and worsened cognitive abilities and memory.

Treatment Options:
1) Low periods of Exercise
2) Surgery
3) Chance that I'm wrong?

So I haven't even turned 20 despite this being something for people aged 30+ and even then only 30% of the population..
hip pain? Periodically
Buttocks pain? Periodically
Sporadic Tingling or Weakness through knees? Check
Increased sitting, bending, lifting and twisting pain? Check
Chronic neck pain? Periodically
Pain radiating to shoulders, arms and hands? Check
Headaches? Check
Vertigo? Periodically
Worsened Cognitive Abilities? Check
Worsened Memory? Double Single Check
And the apparent, periodic duration of severe pain hindering movement pretty much completely? Triple Double Single Check

Certainty of disease? 30%..

Chances are I don't have it.. Seeing as I actually am 19 and not anywhere near 30..
Despite showing symptoms this is probably simply pain that stems from landing on my head through a front flip during my college years which back pain began a good year or so after the incident. The landing was painful, and there were many clicks upon landing.. However I did check in with the doctor and at the time there didn't seem to be anything wrong except a slightly stiff neck at the time..
So who knows? Maybe I'm just imagining things but I'd prefer to not have to endure it.. Not that I can't

Crippled at heart?.. Yeah.