11:11 PM 11th November 2011

A behavior atypical in my personal nature to conform to the majority..
Regardless of importance or truth..

Today, I collectively gather my thoughts..
Asking for only one thing during this moment.

That, all the other inhabitants of this Earth experience not complete bliss..
Not complete happiness..
To avoid gain of boredom and loss of meaning in life..
But instead..
I wish for the inhabitants of this planet..
To experience happiness..
General happiness..
To live life..
To keep living life..
To survive and learn..
Survive and grow..
To maintain the strength to overcome obstacles..
To get past drama..
And to be a better version of themselves..
This is what I ask..
A happier world.

This is my true wish in response to my dream..
And if need be..
I'm content with being the sacrifice to see the fruition..
If I need be excluded for such a cause then..
I show no complaints.

White Notebook

"I'm okay with being fake on the surface. But, everything else?.. That 'is' mine. What I am, what I have, what I can do.. That's real."
-Robin Tey

White notebook..
Pages black..
Titled..
Pursuit of happiness..
Author..
You.

I have only one dream..
Bathed in turbulent skies..
Lost in a emotional maze..
Void of exit..
It's a simple dream..
Harder than any other..
A pursuit..
Of happiness.
Not in myself..
But in those surrounding.
They've stained my pages white..
This dream of mine..
Writing my story with yours.

These pages tore when early summer winds circled..
Crying out of safety..
Crying of escape.
But.. That 'was' my place to return to..
No longer.
I have no intention of a life lived easy or safe..
I have only the intention of a life lived with dream fulfilled..
Right now, I'm living for this..
My own wish..
My own dream..
My reality.

Until today.. I've lived everyday with only expectation of self..
The expectation of strength impossible..
I am strong..
I have been strong..
Commanding compulsion of will..
Just so someone else could live..
Live and smile..
With burden new..
With life new..
I had only one path to crawl..
In winding..
In thin..
Forever growing..
I trained my heart..
I trained my body..
I trained my mind..
Teaching of a limitless possible..
I want to become stronger..
Still..
I will be stronger..
I want to realize this reality of mine..
I can't lose..
I won't.
After all..
"I'm only living to fulfill my dream."

Fate alone holds the premises of my last chapter..
But.. Until then..
I have made up my mind..
I don't want pity..
I don't want to run..
My spirit..
My fire..
They are more than enough for this path I crawl.

I'm more than thankful for the kindness that I have received from individuals..
So, I only wish that you never make a sad face ever again for my sake..
But, it is for your kind hearts that I will turn my hatred and anger to strength..
No matter how strung in depth it may be..
To reject faces hurt.. Faces sad.. Faces worried..
It is for these kind hearts that I want to become stronger..
I'm willing to carry it with me for your smiles..
I'm willing to wear forced smiles holding elongated shadows..
I'm willing to endure this undeniably growing physical exhaust..
I'm willing to accept the sacrifice that is me..
Under beautifully scarlet skies..
This pain..
Is alright with me.

" Tears shed is no excuse for sins' end..
These regrets..
A price to painfully worn in eternity.."
-Robin Tey

392 days..
6 people..
0 tears..
? smiles..
? laughs..

Return..

I once had it controlled..
I once had it contained..
I was able to live by rule of facade..
I was able to wear my mask of smiles..
I was able to wear my shades of deceit..
Emotionless behind only because this was the way it had to be.
This was the way it needed to be..
The way it should of been.

Today I failed to hide behind my smile..
Today I failed to find motivation..
Today I failed to surpass my limitations..
Today I failed to control my emotions..
Today I failed to ignore it..
Everything I was could.
The me of yesterday would never let feelings foolishly control me.
The me of yesterday never would of let what happened today happen.
A secret I am all but too afraid too share..
Only because of the worry that will follow.
Living in the fear of me.
Knowing that none can handle..
None can control.
Not even myself.

Once upon a time..
In a time not too far away..
I could smile away any amount of tears..
But today 377 days later I lost the smile of confidence.
Only because my heart began to beat..
Now I can only ask..
When will my tears start?..

I know it's too late to run.
I know it's too late to push away.
I know I shouldn't be here at all..
I know it's too much.
Too much for even me..

2 hours of reservation..
I only know..
That I can't trust myself with me anymore.

It has returned..

Limits..

If nothing else..
I would never run..
I could never run..
I would never weaken..
I could never weaken..
All that I could do was eradicate this one thing.
Limitation..
To beat it..
To surpass it..
With only self-loathe as my single motivation..
The self-loathe bathed in the weakness that is me..
This would be my prize possession..
What I could boast of.
What I could share to the world..
That in the surface world.. I shared no such trait..
I shared no limitations like those around me..
But for all that I have accomplished..
And for how far I have come..
One limitation that sets a golden law will always best all that I am..
The limitation of my human self..
Being human.
My greatest loathe..

Today, I was told only one thing.
"robin, you have limits"
I taught myself to never believe the truth of this..
A lesson that was once possible..
A lesson that spoke of truth..
When those surrounding me could see none..
When those surrounding me could only see my efforts..
To those close and far..
These were my offers..
Limitless in existence.
But never could I expect to hear of the truth of my limitations...
Not this early.
Maybe, I was never capable of coming this far at all..
Maybe, I was living simply on a string of fortunate miracles..
Possibly only by a string of impossible luck.
All I know is that..
For the limitations that I have hidden to become visual..
I carry only another failure..
Another..
Limitation.

Blood Bottle..

"Every scar has a story embedded into forever."
-Robin Tey

The impossibility of living a life without scars is absolute.
Something that can't be escaped..
I have lived my life knowing this..
I have lived my life expecting this..
I have lived my life with this..
Just this.
Some saw the scars in me..
Inside..
Outside..
The rest saw the scars on me..
Outside..
But, even I can see the scars..
Visually blind to it..
Audibly deaf to it..
Physically touching it..
Odorless and bland.

I have contained the scars of my life in a single bottle..
One that has lived years of stories..
One that has endured years of burdens..
One that has withstood years of experiences.
Sealed by only the strength of fear alone.
Containing disappointment..
Containing betrayal..
Containing hatred..
Containing anger..
Containing me.
A battle destined for defeat..
With expectations prepared for a future date..
One set later..
Further..
And yet, I have failed even here.
I once made declaration..
I once made a challenge.
Never to lose here.
Forced not by motivation..
Forced not by desire..
Forced not by logic..
But, forced by compulsion..
Compelled by constraints..

Today on this day..
The blood that stains my hand..
They speak of my failures..
My ill preparation..
As they cover the entirety of my hands..
The entity designated with misfortune..
With the misfortune of handling all that I am..
My pure anger..
My pure hatred..
My pure detest..
With blood filled fists I have only this.
And even with today's end..
I find no satisfaction..
Only open wounds where my knuckles used to sit..
Only a blood littered bag that used to be clean..
My pain tells me I feel too much.
My blood tells me I'm not strong enough.
My crack tells me I'm not capable of handling it..
My scars tell me that I will never be anything more..
Nothing but an entity of darkness..
Cynical..
Pessimistic..
Full of deceit..
Full of nothing..
Nothing but the hate that I am.
This is all I have.

Filled with water red..
This is my blood bottle.

Incapable..

In the time I have lived..
With all that I have seen..
With all that I have heard..
With all that I have learned..
The one truth that has found it's way into permanence..
In my mind..
And, in my heart.
Is incapability..
Weakness..
Futility..

This life of mine..
This small life in this large world..
Has co-existed in the shadows of those around me..
Reaching from the darkness..
Pushing the souls around me forward from within the abyss..

Despite efforts..
Beyond successes..
Following failures..
Despite attempts..
Beyond achievements..
Following disappointments..
Despite claims to growth and change..
I'm no different than when I started all this.

I feel no heartbeat where my heart should be..
Despite all the claims to trust..
Despite all the smiles and laughs..
Despite all the insurmountable kindness..
Despite all the morally correct intentions..
Despite all the depth of optimism demonstrated..
Despite all the confidence and determination portrayed..
It only runs surface deep..

These feelings and emotions..
They once defined me..
Only to be replaced..
By the hatred for the world..
By the hatred for humanity..
The wishes to never become like one of them.
For as long as I live being human..
Being human is the one thing that I could never forgive myself for..
For all my sins..
For all my regrets..
For all my mistakes..
Being human is the true sin.
It isn't the world that changed me..
It was and is people.

I don't question my ability to forge bonds and friendships..
I only question the meaning of something lost.
Isn't a friendship a declaration?..
An unspoken promise to be there..
A promise to trust and give reason to trust..
The golden rule.. The golden law..
That states every being in this world is fated to possess one..
A friendship true..
That every being in this world..
No matter how big or small..
No matter how far apart the lands..
No matter what oceans separate people as obstacles..
Every individual controlled by will and law is destined for friendship..
Whether only a single friend or many..
Whether they believe in destiny or not..
They.. Everyone, in this world will find a friend..
A friend that will protect them from hurt..
A friend that will and would sacrifice their own life if need be?..
Carrying each other forward with only intentions true to help?..

Has it really become so hard for me to believe this?..
Even.. Even when there are those around willing to fight for me..
Is it wrong that I don't even have a heart to offer them?..
Leaving only a single cold dead heart..
Surrounded by pessimism..
Surrounded by cynical beliefs..
Surrounded by complete distrust..
Forever incapable of even shedding a tear even now?..
Even when I've served my time...

In all my attempts to surface any emotion..
I was returned with only the word incapable..
Even attempting to fall victim to the easiest emotion of all..
Anger.
I couldn't..
It didn't feel real..
It felt only as fake as my existence..
Even pushing the extent of my physical barrier..
Just so I could bleed again..
This body of mine..
It has been left with nothing but scars where injuries once were..
It has been left with nothing but bruises that spoke of my attempts..
It has been left with nothing but blood dried trying to just feel something..
My arms.. My legs.. My hands.. My feet..
Forcing myself to stages beyond my own capabilities..
Only because I know I'm too weak to..
In my feeble attempt to boast of it as pride and determination.. Willpower..
It's only a lie of a me past..
Where this willpower..
Is now replaced by hatred..
Hatred of self..
Hatred of those around..
My hatred is what drives me..
Day by day..
I lose my ability to physically function..
Sometimes bearable..
sometimes not..
Sometimes there..
Sometimes not..
Just always reminding me..
Scarring me outside..
And inside..
Of my weakness..

"What do I have left after all this?"

To those now reading..
All I can say.. Is that I'm sorry.

I am incapable at heart...

Fight..

"For the first time in my life I'm fighting for something that's real.. Real to me"
Ever since the first time I said it..
I never said it again..
Ever.

Even using the world real the next time..
Just that one time..
The repercussions left me as I am today.
Broken..
Weak..
Incapable..
For all the effort in the world..
This is the me that I can't change..
The me that I can't deny no matter how much I try to.
Because in the essence of truth..
There is no one willing to fight the true fight.
Not like I would of and did..

This is my law.
My fight.
Alone.
Words for me alone.
Words not for you.
Words not for any.
Words not for another.

"I care a lot about you !! I'll be the "friendship true",it is possible. I'll be the one person who stays to care. We aren't that different robin :> you go fight your battles. i'm just here fighting yours always."
I really thought I was the only one in this world..
The only one ever willing to fight for another..
To give truth and claim to the word fight.
Perhaps..

One more..
Just one more time..
For this.
I can't lose after all..
Not now..

Thank you..
You've brought back a little of the youth in me..