Blood Bottle..

"Every scar has a story embedded into forever."
-Robin Tey

The impossibility of living a life without scars is absolute.
Something that can't be escaped..
I have lived my life knowing this..
I have lived my life expecting this..
I have lived my life with this..
Just this.
Some saw the scars in me..
Inside..
Outside..
The rest saw the scars on me..
Outside..
But, even I can see the scars..
Visually blind to it..
Audibly deaf to it..
Physically touching it..
Odorless and bland.

I have contained the scars of my life in a single bottle..
One that has lived years of stories..
One that has endured years of burdens..
One that has withstood years of experiences.
Sealed by only the strength of fear alone.
Containing disappointment..
Containing betrayal..
Containing hatred..
Containing anger..
Containing me.
A battle destined for defeat..
With expectations prepared for a future date..
One set later..
Further..
And yet, I have failed even here.
I once made declaration..
I once made a challenge.
Never to lose here.
Forced not by motivation..
Forced not by desire..
Forced not by logic..
But, forced by compulsion..
Compelled by constraints..

Today on this day..
The blood that stains my hand..
They speak of my failures..
My ill preparation..
As they cover the entirety of my hands..
The entity designated with misfortune..
With the misfortune of handling all that I am..
My pure anger..
My pure hatred..
My pure detest..
With blood filled fists I have only this.
And even with today's end..
I find no satisfaction..
Only open wounds where my knuckles used to sit..
Only a blood littered bag that used to be clean..
My pain tells me I feel too much.
My blood tells me I'm not strong enough.
My crack tells me I'm not capable of handling it..
My scars tell me that I will never be anything more..
Nothing but an entity of darkness..
Cynical..
Pessimistic..
Full of deceit..
Full of nothing..
Nothing but the hate that I am.
This is all I have.

Filled with water red..
This is my blood bottle.

Incapable..

In the time I have lived..
With all that I have seen..
With all that I have heard..
With all that I have learned..
The one truth that has found it's way into permanence..
In my mind..
And, in my heart.
Is incapability..
Weakness..
Futility..

This life of mine..
This small life in this large world..
Has co-existed in the shadows of those around me..
Reaching from the darkness..
Pushing the souls around me forward from within the abyss..

Despite efforts..
Beyond successes..
Following failures..
Despite attempts..
Beyond achievements..
Following disappointments..
Despite claims to growth and change..
I'm no different than when I started all this.

I feel no heartbeat where my heart should be..
Despite all the claims to trust..
Despite all the smiles and laughs..
Despite all the insurmountable kindness..
Despite all the morally correct intentions..
Despite all the depth of optimism demonstrated..
Despite all the confidence and determination portrayed..
It only runs surface deep..

These feelings and emotions..
They once defined me..
Only to be replaced..
By the hatred for the world..
By the hatred for humanity..
The wishes to never become like one of them.
For as long as I live being human..
Being human is the one thing that I could never forgive myself for..
For all my sins..
For all my regrets..
For all my mistakes..
Being human is the true sin.
It isn't the world that changed me..
It was and is people.

I don't question my ability to forge bonds and friendships..
I only question the meaning of something lost.
Isn't a friendship a declaration?..
An unspoken promise to be there..
A promise to trust and give reason to trust..
The golden rule.. The golden law..
That states every being in this world is fated to possess one..
A friendship true..
That every being in this world..
No matter how big or small..
No matter how far apart the lands..
No matter what oceans separate people as obstacles..
Every individual controlled by will and law is destined for friendship..
Whether only a single friend or many..
Whether they believe in destiny or not..
They.. Everyone, in this world will find a friend..
A friend that will protect them from hurt..
A friend that will and would sacrifice their own life if need be?..
Carrying each other forward with only intentions true to help?..

Has it really become so hard for me to believe this?..
Even.. Even when there are those around willing to fight for me..
Is it wrong that I don't even have a heart to offer them?..
Leaving only a single cold dead heart..
Surrounded by pessimism..
Surrounded by cynical beliefs..
Surrounded by complete distrust..
Forever incapable of even shedding a tear even now?..
Even when I've served my time...

In all my attempts to surface any emotion..
I was returned with only the word incapable..
Even attempting to fall victim to the easiest emotion of all..
Anger.
I couldn't..
It didn't feel real..
It felt only as fake as my existence..
Even pushing the extent of my physical barrier..
Just so I could bleed again..
This body of mine..
It has been left with nothing but scars where injuries once were..
It has been left with nothing but bruises that spoke of my attempts..
It has been left with nothing but blood dried trying to just feel something..
My arms.. My legs.. My hands.. My feet..
Forcing myself to stages beyond my own capabilities..
Only because I know I'm too weak to..
In my feeble attempt to boast of it as pride and determination.. Willpower..
It's only a lie of a me past..
Where this willpower..
Is now replaced by hatred..
Hatred of self..
Hatred of those around..
My hatred is what drives me..
Day by day..
I lose my ability to physically function..
Sometimes bearable..
sometimes not..
Sometimes there..
Sometimes not..
Just always reminding me..
Scarring me outside..
And inside..
Of my weakness..

"What do I have left after all this?"

To those now reading..
All I can say.. Is that I'm sorry.

I am incapable at heart...

Fight..

"For the first time in my life I'm fighting for something that's real.. Real to me"
Ever since the first time I said it..
I never said it again..
Ever.

Even using the world real the next time..
Just that one time..
The repercussions left me as I am today.
Broken..
Weak..
Incapable..
For all the effort in the world..
This is the me that I can't change..
The me that I can't deny no matter how much I try to.
Because in the essence of truth..
There is no one willing to fight the true fight.
Not like I would of and did..

This is my law.
My fight.
Alone.
Words for me alone.
Words not for you.
Words not for any.
Words not for another.

"I care a lot about you !! I'll be the "friendship true",it is possible. I'll be the one person who stays to care. We aren't that different robin :> you go fight your battles. i'm just here fighting yours always."
I really thought I was the only one in this world..
The only one ever willing to fight for another..
To give truth and claim to the word fight.
Perhaps..

One more..
Just one more time..
For this.
I can't lose after all..
Not now..

Thank you..
You've brought back a little of the youth in me..

Push..

If I had a single wish..
Just one..
It would to be a hero..
Someone's hero..
Everybody's hero..
My hero..
Not for the glorification..
Not for the recognition..
Not for the profit..
Not for the gain..
But..
For the idea.

We've lived too long without ideas..
Without reasons..
This world..
This world of ours no longer has its' reasons.
Reasons to live..
Reasons to trust..
Reasons to fight..
Reasons to die.

I have lived my life in the entirety of the void..
The void of ideas that now drowns the world.
Gaining all the flaws of the hero..
Losing all the perks of the hero..
With the remain of only an empty title to claim.
With all that I have to offer..
With all that I have offered..
My reward lies in my fall to rise..

Bearing the weight of years..
I've pushed and lifted with shoulders proud..
I've pushed with mind stubborn..
I've pushed with mind blind.
Never pulling.

For the years that I have wandered aimlessly on hard soil..
I have learned many truths..
Many worth learning..
Many not.
But, one such is human capacity.
I've seen the human capacity..
For all that it is.
The surface..
The abyss..
The flight..
The land..
The human capacity is capable of only so much before crashing..
The human capacity is capable of only so much before cracking..
The human capacity is capable of only so much before crumbling..
And I am not exempt from this solidified clause of life.
Like written law..
No matter how hard I try to abolish this curse of a title..
To avoid it..
To change it..
It finds me..
It follows me..
It forces me..
Forces me to push harder..
To push further..
To push faster..

For the hero in me..
I could never pull another..
I could never take the hand of another..
My fights live on the premises of the single.
My trust lives on the premises of the single.
I am the single..

For all that I could have..
For all that I could have pulled into this life of mine..
I've done nothing but live in reverse..
Always pushing..
Pushing the title..
Pushing those who share the title..
Humanity.. Human..
It's all the same..
What could I possibly ask from a world as such?..
How could I possibly receive from a world as such?..
You're only human..
We're only human..
I'm only human..

This curse of life..
This curse I deny..
I reject.
In absolute independence..

No one can be my support..
No one can fight for me..
I am my own.
For the years I have left..
Pushing is all I know and all I will ever know.
I hold no certainty..
I hold no confidence..
In the idea that those around me will be just that in future times..
Those around me.

I am no hero..
I have no hero..
There are no more heroes..

15th.

With only but the remain of a few seconds..
A years worth of accumulation will exist upon this moment.
Every emotion bottled completely..
Anger..
Sadness..
Confusion..
Happiness..
Loneliness..
Every emotion given permissions to be released completely.
I have lived an entire year.
Void of self.

After everything where do I stand now?..
How do I feel now?..
Weaker.
Much.. Much weaker.
Physically..
Mentally..
Weaker.

-1..

In only a moments passing..
My year long endeavor will have reached it's final ending moments..
I ask myself why I tasked myself with what I found to be an impossible one..
Understanding only that it was the only way..
The only way to carry on as I was..
The only way to execute the tasks I desired to..
To only.. Way.

I suppose with only the remain of but a single day..
Many things will change..
Many emotions that I have reserved may surface..
Only due to permissions becoming real..

Perhaps with such a limited amount of time..
I came to the realization of the significance of the chase..
The chase of the 'new' and the 'new' feeling..
The role it played to me..
Perhaps.. It was why I admitted to it..
So clearly..
So quickly..
With minimal hesitation.
I just know..
I did.

Compassion.

Compassion..
It's true that I've tried to demonstrate this trait at every corner..
And although I have proven successful..
Never has the favor been returned so successfully that an impact was made..
Never.. Has the favor simply been returned.
Plagued by the physical injuries that hinder my life so..
For the duration of five years and more..
I found absolutely zero motivation to rectify the issue despite this fact.
Perhaps the fear of finding nothing wrong..
Or everything wrong..
Perhaps.. The fear of becoming normal.
But never did I find the motivation in amongst the multitude..
The multitude of excuses I lay before me.
But today..
All that changed..
With the initial earnest..
A person with compassion that I have never experienced on this planet before.
With determination like no other.
Knowing that with actions like those taken today..
I may return to what I love one day..
Eventually.
And perhaps..
Live fast, die young.
Is a way of life of the past for me.
Perhaps.. Living old may prove to be worth it.
Perhaps.. Living old may be possible for even me...
All I can say is thank you in terms of gratitude.
But for now, this is all I can do.
Until the one day arrives.

Earnest..

This has been a word that has shown great impact on my life recently..
This was the initial word used to express an observation to a certain individual..
A certain individual who is now of great importance to me in my life..
And hopefully I to theirs..
But, acting on the impulses and whims I have lived these five years against..
Ignoring..
I stopped for a moment.
Just a moment..
Despite having questioned myself constantly were it wise to share this secret..
This secret with the chase of the 'new'.
Many times I told myself no..
But many times I told myself otherwise..
And, in my confusion.. I accepted only one choice.
The first of the moment..
The initial.
And so I said..
I said those secrets that gripped me in the shadows tightly everyday.
Despite how many reasons I gave myself to not.
And yet, like those before I show no regret or remorse..
But rather.. Acceptance over my decision..
Over my freedom of choice.
And in return..
I received that word.
Earnest..
Not once was it spoken.
But many times was it seen visible through my eyes..
Seeing the earnest eyes..
Seeing the earnest face..
An expression that said 'I care.'
An expression that showed sadness when appropriate..
An expression that showed happiness when appropriate..
And even, an expression that showed firmness when required.
Today..
I revealed my secret.
For the fifth time..
In a duration of only twelve days..
Running on impulse..
Following whim..
Trusting instinct..
Believing..
Looking for the earnest in people.

Truth..

This word truth is our way of judging a given opinion with fact or logic..
We're taught to use it appropriately by elders through growth..
And we learn of the repercussions and power it truly holds..
And even when I couldn't agree more that truth is gold..
Am I simply just living in pure contradiction?..
When I myself have proven to be one of the greatest liars?..
I have never made clear the truths of self..
Only the truths of the surround..
And even then, despite intentions initial or following..
It still holds a title that opposes truth.
Perhaps this requires changing one day..
But as I am now?..
I see no possibility of it..

Perhaps one day..
When pretty and beautiful can merge into my life..
When impulse is real..
And the words that follow..
To create one world.

Forward..

Typically I have taught myself to consider the options before speaking..
For the sake of others I have completely learned this method..
For the sole purpose of avoiding the use of certain words..
Words that would prove detrimental to the situation of the person I am aiding..
However, in learning to do so..
I have learned to apply said method to my life..
However, as per usual of recent..
I have abolished typical reasoning of my norm..
In exchange for succinct words of 'whim'.
I do it without hesitation..
I do it without remorse..
All simply for the chase.
The chase of the 'new' feeling..
The chase of the 'new'.

Importance..

In life we quickly learn to measure things through prioritization..
Placing the things we own and have in life in the order of importance..
Our experiences tell is what is important and what isn't..
We are taught to see through what is needed and what isn't..
We learn to accept what is important through out own developed logic.

It is this very life where we learn the steps of importance..
That we learn to prioritize the individuals that live in our life on this given rule..
Based on the experiences we share with them..
Based on what they teach us..
Based on how much we need them..
Based on how we see them..

We then learn to trust these individuals based on their level of importance..
Although the time has been short..
I have found a selection of individuals truly worth trusting..
I have always read these selection of individuals to be worthy..
But I never once acted on it..
Despite more confidence in their ability..
The confidence in my ability to read 'people'..
I never once acted on it..
Until now.
Perhaps.. It was simply 'important' that I did now.
Before it's truly too late.

Bliss..

It's true that I have always avoided living in bliss..
Because it's fleeting..
Because it's momentary..
Because it never lasts..
Was it because I always so scared of it?..
An answer I'm sure I will never obtain..
I only know that today..
Today, I experienced and lived in this.

Learning the new things I do..
Physically..
Mentally..
Even from complete strangers..
Who with a heart full of compassion..
Offer complete strangers the opportunity to learn..

Laughing..
Doing..
Living..
Things I have yet to grasp..
And am learning..
I just know that in bliss I learn..
But, is it the right way?..
Am I learning the right things?..

Bliss was always a term that described the lives of the child..
The life.. Of the primary child..
And would eradicate itself in meaning completely once maturity occurred.
Only to re-introduce itself as a false reality..
A thought based purely from a pessimistic perspective..
But, is this only cause I had to learn it this way?..

Satisfaction..

A good life can be measured by the true smiles you execute in life..
Despite the cynical status that this statement my express..
I have discovered great difficult in understanding how to express a true smile..
Through life I have always decorated my face with a smile..
Because I had to..
There was once a time where it was because I knew how to..
Because I wanted to..
But that soon escaped through my fingertips..
For a time too long..
And now..
Looking at the way things stand..
Seeing the people in my life now for who they are..
Isn't it wrong for me to say that I haven't not smiled truly at least once..
Once for each of these individuals who now know my secret?..
Once for each of these individuals who desire to help me?..
As things stand..
I find great satisfaction..
Although it is true step forward..
Isn't it wrong that I put it this way?..

Chain Continues..

Fragility has remained a strong implication in the human thought process..
Understanding that we human beings could give out at any given moment..
Much like the creations we give life to be they inanimate or not..
But even then..
The likeliness of two occurrences of an unfortunate nature..
Is more that impossible.
And yet even then..
It would seem I've proven to be quite useless in both happenings..
I only show the desire to engage in helping..
But I suppose..
In practically I have a long way to travel..
As opposed to theoretical..
But even then, the lessons I have yet to learn live in abundance..

Chain..

I suppose I've avoided a chain of actual unfortunate events..
For a long while..
Not that it plays any effect on the life I live..
It however did prove bothersome at the time..
For everything to fail functionality in a single given moment..
Perhaps a sign of fragility..
Fragility of the tools developed for man by man..
A fragile tool for a fragile being.

New Whim..

Seldom would I allow myself to act on such emotions..
A whim..
A random occurrence..
A random feeling..
That tells you do something..
Only because you momentarily choose to..
With momentary reasoning..

I repeatedly placed excuses..
I repeatedly found reasoning..
I repeatedly created logic..
Just to avoid this situation at all costs..
I used my experiences as excuses..
I used my beliefs as reasoning..
I used my knowledge as logic..
And even then..
With the arsenal that I developed with my own two hands..
I denied it all in a single moment..
Just because of a 'new' whim..

My life has taken a different path..
All because I met 'new' individuals..
All because of a 'new' adventure I embarked on..
All because of a 'new' feeling I'm chasing..

Was it right that I did what I did?..
Do I have any regrets in doing so?..
Without hesitation my mind speaks out sternly..
With a single word.
No.
No regrets..
No remorse..
No rue..
Just.. Acceptance.
Acceptance of my decision in the moment.
My 'new' found whim.

In essence.. I am somewhat..
Somewhat glad I mentioned it to this person..
With the experiences of my five years accumulated to this moment.
I instantaneously gathered I could trust this person..
I instantaneously gathered that this person had true depth..
I instantaneously gathered this person could understand..
This time.. I didn't wait..
This time.. I did.
Without hesitation or thought stopping my motion.

It would seem that we've lived many similar experiences..
Many similar situations..
Many similar thought patterns..
But all the while living completely different lives.
With a nonchalant composure..
I never expected..
That even my expectations could be surpassed..
In all my years of reading the individuals around me..
I found very little surprise in my assumptions..
Let alone the positive.

Would I.. Could I.. Should I?
Run my life on this 'new' whim?..

Humanity..

For a time too long..
I have taught myself one lesson.
A lesson that stems from my experiences in life..
The stories I've listened to..
The people I've seen..
The many general actions people take..
To be human..
Is to be wrong.

And yet..
Of all places..
Right here on this planet we call Earth..
On the only country I could ever know thus far..
I found a person that has disproved all that I have learned.

To be human is to be selfish..
To be human is to be ignorant..
To be human is to be proud..
To be human is to be judgmental..
To be human is to be wrong..
Then, why is this person..
A person I've known for some time..
But only talked to now..
Going to such lengths to change me?..

I already convinced myself that there could..
Never ever be another like me in this world..
There could never be another 'human being' capable..
Capable of truly caring for another soul..
It's impossible..
Isn't it?..

And yet..
Despite all my efforts to prevent worry..
This person does it with minimal effort..
Although good and bad all at the same time..
Just maybe..
This world still has hope.
Maybe.. I still have hope.
Maybe.. It's not just me fighting..
Fighting alone.