Broken.

What's wrong with me?..
Is my way of life always going to be this distorted?..
Covered in the fog of regret.. Forever.
Who am I kidding to say that I've lived without regrets?
One look back.. And it's impossible not to see that I miss everything.
IF at least one person stayed to care.
IF at least one person were here right now to care.. Just anyone.
Life.. It would be different.. So much more different..
Why is it that I've given everything.. Literally everything I can to everyone..
I put my health on the line.. I put my own heart on the line..
I've poured every foundation of my being.. The entirety of it into everyone around me..
And they know it.

Yes, I still believe that what I'm doing is right..
And, yes I came into this not expecting anything in return..
But, to think that chasing this dream for five years..
That people would at least remember you..
For the insanity of your efforts..
The sincerity of your heart..
Your earnest desires..
Your care.

So what if it's impossible?..
This dream of mind.
But, never tell me it's stupid..
Not until you take a hard look around at the world we live in..
Everyday.. Someone out there needs help.
Is it really wrong to lend a helping hand for the greater cause?
Is it really wrong that I've set myself on this downward spiral of a dream into the dark?..
Is it really wrong.. That I've pushed myself to believe that I'm forever weak?..
Just so I'll push myself everyday in whatever I do to that extent?..
In 63 days.. I've been sick for more than 20 of those days?..
In 63 days.. I've collapsed more than 15 times from exhaustion?.. 4 times yesterday..
In 288 days.. I've stopped myself from crying even just once..
In 766 days and 6 hours of the best time of my life with that one girl..
Only three people.. Bothered to check up on me.
But, they stopped replying immediately after I said I was okay with a smile.. No chase.
Not my so called best friend though, not at all.
As for the other people who bothered to check up on me?..
They decided to give me reason to distrust people in general.
Funny how.. You spend five long years..
Forcing yourself to believe in the good of people..
Forcing yourself to forget about yourself and put others first..
Forcing yourself everyday to get stronger for those very people..
Helping people day after day when it's just not your job too..
When the list gets too big to even remember..
Was it really too much to ask for a bit more effort than what I got?..
Maybe it's just wrong of me to ask someone to care at least one hundredth of the amount I do..

Is it really so hard to ask for someone to care that you're alive?..
I've kept quiet for five long years..
But to think.. That people wouldn't even bother saying thank you once in a while..
Instead?.. They betray you in the way that hits home most..
Instead of giving you reason to trust they take it away and show you distrust.
I still can't believe that someone on this planet even has the ability to make me hate them..
Me, the one person who's forgiven everyone in his life for everything..
The one person, who has decided to help everyone as my dream regardless of social standing in my life..
Me.. The one person that was willing to sacrifice everything just to see people smiling..
And yet, no matter how angry this person makes me..
I've vowed to keep my emotions calm..
To keep my emotions inside until this world of ours improves.. One way or another.
Despite seeing this individual more than enough during the week..
Maybe I've chosen not to do anything cause I promised someone I wouldn't..
All I know is that.. This is what we are, humans.

I've never once told myself life was hard.. Never.. Not once.
I've always told myself it was easy.. And, it still is.
But.. One thing has been made forever clear to me..
I hate humans.. I'll admit it right here and now.
I detest them.. I refuse to be one.. With the limitations of one..
Maybe I'm crazy to hold onto this dream..
But maybe.. Someone has to.
I've decided to hold a heart stronger than any other.. Rejecting the emotions will hinder me..
The emotions that make me human..
The only chain to bring me down?.. A friendship true..
But fortunately.. That's obviously impossible for me and I've learned to accept it..
If I were to stay this way forever.. Then this dream will forever stay clear in my mind..
And it's something I refuse to let go..
Because the world needs someone that isn't human.
To make those humans around me stronger.
If.. I was to be happy.. I too would forget my dream and bask in what it means to be human..
A selfish desire of the human heart..
Not that I'm not without the desire..
But it's something I have to learn.

I am broken at heart.

Remember..

Memories come and gone..
But, I never should have let myself forget this.
We go through life assigning ourselves dreams, ambitions..
A destination to reach.. Something to attain..
All before our time is up..
Keeping up with mortality because we have no choice but to.
Forced conditions that constantly remind us to live life.
Forced conditions that give us a reason to live life so beautifully.

My dream has always been clear in mind.. For as long as I can remember now.
The older I grow.. The less memories I'll be able to hold onto.
But, the older I grow.. The more important my memories will become..
Selecting the ones that mean the most to me..
But.. To let myself forget this.. It's something I can never repeat.

Not too long ago.. I once jumped off a cliff I never thought I would even stand on to begin with..
And during that time.. I revisited my past..
Something I was convinced I would never have to think about again.
But.. The past makes us who we are.. And, there is no need to ever run from it..

Why are you this way?
Why do you try so hard?
Can you live like this forever?
Why are you so selfless?
Why?
Questions asked over and over again by those around me..
But, I always lacked one important feature.. The answer.
This was something I always had in the past..
But, the harder I chased the dream.. The more it consumed me..
And, the more it will continue to..
But.. As long as I remember why I'm fighting to keep this dream it won't matter..

Humanity has lived on this planet for the shortest time of them all..
And yet, we've evolved the fastest in more ways than one..
Evolution has always been our main concern..
The fastest path to the top.
Regardless of the stepping stones along the way.
Regardless of the sacrifices along the way..
But, that is unacceptable in my way of life.
The reason I fight so hard is because.. Of heart.
In search of heart I found care.. Belonging.. Understanding.. Trust.. Belief..
Things I will always desire deep down as long as I live.
But.. Because I am born the way that I am.. I too understand that this is something everyone wants..
Something that everyone will search for.
And it's something I will give..
I care about those around me.. More than people will ever realize..
A life is precious..
No matter what a person has done..
No matter what they will do..
Everyone.. And, I mean everyone deserves the right to live.
I care for every living thing around me..
And, I will remind people about the truth of what a friendship is capable of..
I will be that one person for everyone.
So everyone will always feel cared for..

If you need me.. Come find me.
If you need me.. Let me find you.
Either way.. You're not alone.

There is nothing in this world that will change my mind.. Or my heart.
No force strong enough to reshape my way of life..
No burden too heavy..
Nothing is impossible when you know why..
When you have heart..
I will show you my conviction of heart.
My true resolve.

I care at heart.

Fight.

This will stay here forever as proof.. Never to be forgotten for me.
NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT.

Dream

"Dream big.. Make it impossible! But, never give up on it.. And, never stop believing in it. Your dream will create you. Your dream will make you stronger than you ever believed.. Strong enough to achieve it."
-Robin Tey

To leave this world having made a difference..
For at least one person..
To change this world for the better..
For at least one person..
To change what the world is..
For at least one person..
To leave this world leaving engraving the world belief..
For at least one person..
To have made enough of a difference to be remembered by everyone.
Not for who I am..
Not for what I have done..
But, for the idea I left.
As long as somewhere out there in the world needs me to be there for them..
So they never have to suffer alone..
So they don't have to experience for ever a moment..
So they never have to suffer at all..
I will not die. I will live solely for that if I have to.
I will live.

The Abyss.

I.. Finally managed to take the jump.
Maybe it was wrong to..
Or, maybe it was right..
But I'll never know without letting myself walk to the future.
Maybe I'll think differently..
Maybe I won't.
All I know is that, this will stand here as proof.

Today, many things were made clear to me..
Today, many things changed for me..
Just as I have in my short lifetime.
But..
It's also just as clear to me that things could be a lot more different.
Ever since walking this road..
There has, and only will ever be two roads I could have walked to bring me here.
And, I know that deep down without a doubt.. That this one here is the one I should be on.

Life.. Is perfect.
Family is perfect..
Never have I met individuals in my lifetime that were willing to do so much for more..
The individuals I call family..
Friends is perfect..
Never have I met individuals willing to entrust me with their heaviest burdens..
The individuals I call friends..

What my minds can see.. My eyes can not.
What I understand.. My heart can not.

But.. Something I'll never forget no matter what happens in this life..
For the very thing I despise the most in life..
I'll give my all..
Regardless of repercussions..
I will take everything life has to throw at me without hesitation..
For the sake of this one thing.
This one thing that fills the Earth so infinitely..
My Earth.. Our Earth.

I've been gifted with heart of will.. And, will of heart.
I've been cursed with heart of will.. And, will of heart.
I've been trusted with burdens..
I've been burdened with trust..
I've been weakened by strength..
and.. I've been strengthened by weakness..
I'm starting to understand a little bit more why this is true..
Why this is.
My personal purpose in life.
Everyone has one.. And, everyone chooses their own.
This.. Is the one I have decided on.

Not everyone will agree with my decision.
But, this is worth it.
Worth whatever comes my way..
Worth whatever sacrifice I must make as long as it is mine alone.
I will be strong.

Uncertainty.

Is it fair that I can take this jump when others can't?..
Maybe I can give someone else the chance to take the leap first..
Someone that needs it more than me..
All I know.. Is the longer I wait the harder it'll get..
The more questions there will be..
The more excuses I set before me..
The more the moment.. The chance will slip like every moment before me..
Do I want to belong again?.. What if it's just another fleeting moment again..
Leading to more damage?
If for a second I could belong.. Would it be worth it anymore?
Is there even a 'forever' to hold onto in this world?..
I don't know today.. But I will tomorrow..
That's what I'll say for now.. But I'm pretty sure I won't..

Leap of faith..

I'm doing it.
I'm going to jump..
I don't know how far I'll jump..
I don't know if I'll glide..
Or, even if I'll fly.
I just.. Want to jump.