11:11 PM 11th November 2011

A behavior atypical in my personal nature to conform to the majority..
Regardless of importance or truth..

Today, I collectively gather my thoughts..
Asking for only one thing during this moment.

That, all the other inhabitants of this Earth experience not complete bliss..
Not complete happiness..
To avoid gain of boredom and loss of meaning in life..
But instead..
I wish for the inhabitants of this planet..
To experience happiness..
General happiness..
To live life..
To keep living life..
To survive and learn..
Survive and grow..
To maintain the strength to overcome obstacles..
To get past drama..
And to be a better version of themselves..
This is what I ask..
A happier world.

This is my true wish in response to my dream..
And if need be..
I'm content with being the sacrifice to see the fruition..
If I need be excluded for such a cause then..
I show no complaints.

White Notebook

"I'm okay with being fake on the surface. But, everything else?.. That 'is' mine. What I am, what I have, what I can do.. That's real."
-Robin Tey

White notebook..
Pages black..
Titled..
Pursuit of happiness..
Author..
You.

I have only one dream..
Bathed in turbulent skies..
Lost in a emotional maze..
Void of exit..
It's a simple dream..
Harder than any other..
A pursuit..
Of happiness.
Not in myself..
But in those surrounding.
They've stained my pages white..
This dream of mine..
Writing my story with yours.

These pages tore when early summer winds circled..
Crying out of safety..
Crying of escape.
But.. That 'was' my place to return to..
No longer.
I have no intention of a life lived easy or safe..
I have only the intention of a life lived with dream fulfilled..
Right now, I'm living for this..
My own wish..
My own dream..
My reality.

Until today.. I've lived everyday with only expectation of self..
The expectation of strength impossible..
I am strong..
I have been strong..
Commanding compulsion of will..
Just so someone else could live..
Live and smile..
With burden new..
With life new..
I had only one path to crawl..
In winding..
In thin..
Forever growing..
I trained my heart..
I trained my body..
I trained my mind..
Teaching of a limitless possible..
I want to become stronger..
Still..
I will be stronger..
I want to realize this reality of mine..
I can't lose..
I won't.
After all..
"I'm only living to fulfill my dream."

Fate alone holds the premises of my last chapter..
But.. Until then..
I have made up my mind..
I don't want pity..
I don't want to run..
My spirit..
My fire..
They are more than enough for this path I crawl.

I'm more than thankful for the kindness that I have received from individuals..
So, I only wish that you never make a sad face ever again for my sake..
But, it is for your kind hearts that I will turn my hatred and anger to strength..
No matter how strung in depth it may be..
To reject faces hurt.. Faces sad.. Faces worried..
It is for these kind hearts that I want to become stronger..
I'm willing to carry it with me for your smiles..
I'm willing to wear forced smiles holding elongated shadows..
I'm willing to endure this undeniably growing physical exhaust..
I'm willing to accept the sacrifice that is me..
Under beautifully scarlet skies..
This pain..
Is alright with me.

" Tears shed is no excuse for sins' end..
These regrets..
A price to painfully worn in eternity.."
-Robin Tey

392 days..
6 people..
0 tears..
? smiles..
? laughs..

Return..

I once had it controlled..
I once had it contained..
I was able to live by rule of facade..
I was able to wear my mask of smiles..
I was able to wear my shades of deceit..
Emotionless behind only because this was the way it had to be.
This was the way it needed to be..
The way it should of been.

Today I failed to hide behind my smile..
Today I failed to find motivation..
Today I failed to surpass my limitations..
Today I failed to control my emotions..
Today I failed to ignore it..
Everything I was could.
The me of yesterday would never let feelings foolishly control me.
The me of yesterday never would of let what happened today happen.
A secret I am all but too afraid too share..
Only because of the worry that will follow.
Living in the fear of me.
Knowing that none can handle..
None can control.
Not even myself.

Once upon a time..
In a time not too far away..
I could smile away any amount of tears..
But today 377 days later I lost the smile of confidence.
Only because my heart began to beat..
Now I can only ask..
When will my tears start?..

I know it's too late to run.
I know it's too late to push away.
I know I shouldn't be here at all..
I know it's too much.
Too much for even me..

2 hours of reservation..
I only know..
That I can't trust myself with me anymore.

It has returned..

Limits..

If nothing else..
I would never run..
I could never run..
I would never weaken..
I could never weaken..
All that I could do was eradicate this one thing.
Limitation..
To beat it..
To surpass it..
With only self-loathe as my single motivation..
The self-loathe bathed in the weakness that is me..
This would be my prize possession..
What I could boast of.
What I could share to the world..
That in the surface world.. I shared no such trait..
I shared no limitations like those around me..
But for all that I have accomplished..
And for how far I have come..
One limitation that sets a golden law will always best all that I am..
The limitation of my human self..
Being human.
My greatest loathe..

Today, I was told only one thing.
"robin, you have limits"
I taught myself to never believe the truth of this..
A lesson that was once possible..
A lesson that spoke of truth..
When those surrounding me could see none..
When those surrounding me could only see my efforts..
To those close and far..
These were my offers..
Limitless in existence.
But never could I expect to hear of the truth of my limitations...
Not this early.
Maybe, I was never capable of coming this far at all..
Maybe, I was living simply on a string of fortunate miracles..
Possibly only by a string of impossible luck.
All I know is that..
For the limitations that I have hidden to become visual..
I carry only another failure..
Another..
Limitation.