Everlasting Affliction

Today the words "stop" were placed before me in the shape of an impossible obstacle by people that will grace my life for the entirety of my life..
Through compassion and care, those I call parents told me to quit something I loved for my sake..
If I stay on this path, one day.. One day very soon I will lose all ability to run..
Maybe even walk..
They know that..
Even my brother too proud to admit he cares knows it..
It's something I've known all along but just never wanted to admit to myself..
However reality has finally caught up to me running too far ahead for me to possibly catch it..
But, if I choose to stray from this path..
I will certainly lose a part of me that is too large to possibly recover..
People always say a good life is one without regret..
Now, what if I know I will regret this decision to quit?.. What then.
Would it be right to?..
I've never given up on anything in my life..
From the small to the big..
But as much as I choose to deny it I am only 'human'..

The best years of my life are condensed to every moment within these six..
This is a path I always thought I would run down into retirement..
But it seems retirement is all too close at the age of 19.
This was an opportunity taught to me by someone I barely knew..
In fact, my brother's friend.
At the end of it.. He passed the torch down to me to take over his job..
Now, it's my turn to teach of possibility and opportunity to these future generations..

Looking back at the path I've run I know it's been a worthwhile one without regrets..
I've formed relationships and friendships that I never believed possible..
No matter how short..
I've grown into a better and stronger person that I thought I could ever become..
No matter how ignorant I choose to be..
I've had the chance to meet even her here..
Even.. If we're not together today..
This is where I learned to live without remorse..
And, this is where I learned to love..
My biggest smiles were condensed to moments involving the people I met here..
My loudest laughs were condensed to feats that I achieved here..
And, my strongest tears were condensed to the experiences I shared here..
It was here that my life was truest and lived to the fullest..
From the saddest to the happiest of times..

All I wish for now is the opportunity to make it just as real for these future generations..
To fulfill my dream any way I can..
Anywhere I Can..

Call me stupid if you want..
But Ultimate Frisbee has become a way of life for me..
If not for this sport I would not meet who I did and be who I am.
Call me stupid if you want..
But Ultimate Frisbee is something I want to teach to everyone else..
So they can smile, laugh and cry just like I did..
So they can love the sport like I do..
Call me stupid if you want..
But I now hold this torch to pass onto the next generation..
I am now the coach..
I am now the organizer for the entire school..
I am now running the winning school teams in the league..
I am now running this all with individuals with the same passion as me.
Call me stupid if you want. Because, I know I'm not.

But why must I give up this wonderful way of life?..
Because it's not humanly possible for me..
much like my time in the world of Frisbee has been long..
My pain has shared this same trait..
Some know of it..
Some do not..
I'm growing older.. Too fast..
I was once in perfect shape..
But now?..
Running has become unbearable for a back too weak to handle it..
Opening doors, picking up objects has become too difficult for my wrists to handle it..
Jumping and turning around has become too difficult for my ankles and legs to handle it..
I can only turn my body a few degrees to the right..
I can no longer tense my body without pain..
I can no longer wake up in the mornings with ease..
I have dropped the lightest of objects simply because my wrist lost all strength to carry it..
I have collapsed under simple gravity being incapable to support it with my legs..
I have collapsed heavily back down in the morning just from trying to get up..
I have become fragile.. Something I've always feared..
Crippled beyond repair..
This is my fifth year of endurance..
I am a master of physical endurance.. And yet I still can't handle this..
Chances are I'm going to be paralyzed soon too..
I've already had my treatments..
But they can only do so much..
I've never had so much trouble standing, sitting and lying down..
I've never had so much trouble drinking out of a bottle..
I've never had so much trouble walking to the toilet..
The only thing I ask now is how big a fool am I?..
I know without a doubt in my heart I've already chosen to carry on.
I just don't know if I'll be seeing tomorrow like I am today.
I won't give up..
My dream is to create a better world for people..
And this is somewhere I can start..
I only just started..
How can I give it up now?..

I am crippled at heart...

Timeless Winter

"If you take the time to listen to nothing.. You can hear everything..
Listen to the silence.. And it will reply you.."
-Robin Tey

Fired by Ice.. Iced by Fire..

Why?
I've given claim to summer being my favorite season..
I love the heat..
I love the warmth..
I love the every prospect of fire itself..
From it's devotion to live and grow and to expand, for those around it..
Keeping them warm..
Keeping them happy..
I've tried to live my life following the exact same principles for as long as I can remember..
Dancing in the wind, like the fire of tomorrow, forever growing..

My secret passion..
My secret wish..
To live, just so others can live better..
Living, to prevent suffering..
Living for those I know..
Those I don't..
Those I trust..
Those I don't..
Those I hate..
Without discrimination or personal judgment and emotion..
Just, for humanity.
For a better world I've set out to be different from everyone else..
Thinking differently..
Acting differently..
Responding differently..
Always.. Observing..
Always..
Acting only when I'm needed..
Making my presence known.. Only when needed..

But, in order to reach my destination of difference..
The path I walk has only one road..
With sunlight too thin to see..
but, I've never once allowed myself opportunity to give up..
Ever.
And, I never will.

My will.. My determination has grown into my greatest strength and weakness..
All at the same time..
Keeping my dream alive I've devoted every waking moment for those around me..
Keeping my dream alive I've devoted every waking moment to stray from the path of self..
I've kept my hours of rest short..
But, I've also kept the hours I am devoid of self long.

Although I love summer..
Winter has settled within the recesses of my heart.
For all the warmth I can offer..
There is none I can receive..
Ever.
To receive it is to accept the emotions I've learned to ignore..
I can smile..
If I have to..
If I need to keep others doing the same..
If, I want to hide..
I can't cry..
If I have to..
If I need to..
If I want to..
Not that I can.

But, for all the times I want someone to know..
I know no one can..
Because for all the want in the world..
It's something I would be taking away from the world..
I'm not here to glorify what I've done or to let the world know what I've done..
I'm here simply just to do.
But, not even I know how long I can last..
I just know that I can't be human..
I can't smile..
I can't laugh..
I can't cry..
I just am.
Emotions are secondary..
Ethics and mission comes first.
Always.

I know deep down I really wish someone was listening to me right now..
But I know on the surface and deeper down..
Someone needs me to be listening to them right now..
That's why this is my reason for living.
No matter the cost of sacrifice.
This is my reason.
This is my fight.

The answer to why?..
Because I know what it feels like.
Because I don't want others to feel the same.
Because, I don't want to be normal.
Because, I don't want to be human.

My Ice..
My fire..
My summer snowflake..

I am cold at heart...

Divergence..

Nostalgia..
Probably my favorite of all time considering it's the one word I've formed the most comfortable relationship with.
People say that in life what determines your character is your experiences. But it makes me wonder..
What about the people you experience these so called moments with?
They share identical experiences, and share what should be the same train of thought that having been pushed to be in that particular moment with those particular people.
But, why is it that years down the line we're living lives so different.
Living as people our former selves would never foresee or recognize.
Our paths diverge from those people so suddenly, so strongly making it too late to take any actions to keep those people in our life, to keep the former selves we wish we could stay as.
So.. How is everything so different?
How.. Could we think so differently from one another?
What is it in that particular experience that differs so greatly for each individual that causes a drastically different thought pattern and minimal involvement in each others' lives?
I wonder how everyone's doing..
They would probably hate the person that I am now come to think of it not that they would ever know..
Well, obviously not everyone anymore.
But that's something I'll keep to myself of course.
Then again, the chance of any one of them reading this is an one hundred percent impossibility.

Nostalgic at heart?..

Eternal Prostration

“Strength isn’t measured in achievements nor victory but in failures and defeats and the will that stands true and strong behind them.”

-Robin Tey

Weakened by Strength.. Strengthened by weakness..

Life is the battle I have chosen to live from birth forever more..

I have never been weak in mind..

I have never been weak in body..

I have never been weak in heart..

And, I have never once.. Been strong.

Weakness, a word engraved to mind and heart alike..

Forever to come..

Forever ever stay..

Forever.

I have dedicated my life to the training of all that embodies me..

A way of life that I have chosen to endure to my last breath..

All for the sake of the one thing that I hate most in life..

A truth that is to forever lie in secrecy..

Today, just like yesterday and everyday before that my greatest shadow told me I was weak..

Instinctively I responded with a typical response, the denial my life’s greatest truth..

And just like I always have and always will I fought back with my only known weapon, determination..

I fought hard like I do everyday and the exception of today was an impossibility..

My knuckle bled on the right hand..

Every finger, thumb excluded had lost its’ skin on the left hand..

Both hands horizontally cut across the center of my palms..

The skin layering the knuckles lost, on the left hand..

Both wrists weakened causing even the open of a door to be a difficult task..

Naturally the brain speaks out in response to pain with a sharp unbearable sensation..

Typically I reacted with ignorance instead clenching my fists tighter still layering the punching bag I’ve become accustomed to with dots of blood where my skin used to be..

And my efforts finished only two hours after this point..

Why?..
Cause today my shadow came back to tell me the same thing again..

Cause..
I told myself today that I am weak.

From sunlight to moonlight perseverance remained song within the recesses of my mind..

Letting only fatigue prevent action, opposing all logistics of pain..

Letting hours pass as always I pushed into hundreds.. Surpassing a thousand and pushing still..

My Strength..

My Weakness..

My Hollow Blitzkrieg..

I am weak at heart…