Cognizant Promise - Week 3

"Gifted with the ability of sight we become capable of seeing the colors of the world, sometimes forgetting that Black and White aren't colors."
-Robin Tey

For a long time now, I have seen the world in allow two shades..
Black and white..
Many have told me..
And, even I have personally told myself..
But not once..
Have I allowed myself to ever see the truth of this..
Even when spoken as words to me by individuals once close to me..
Perhaps..
It was this blind fault that separated me from them in the first place..
All I know now is that..
This color..
Is something I must learn to recognize and see..
Much like the first steps of a baby..
I must see through my eyes for the first time.
To appreciate what I see in a greater light..

I am grateful that..

I managed to begin the week with a trip up to Maraetai with two of the best individuals I could of asked for which wasn't the amazing chocolate coated ice cream in the hot weather.
For purposes of photo taking we eventually made our way up to Duder Regional Park and some fun with sticks, rocks, logs and regrettably.. Sand.
But there were too many laughs not to remember the day with physical photos in the numbers to take this day with me for the rest of my days with photography of a standard I would deem perfect.

I officially had probably the best and most energetic karaoke session anyone could ask for losing my voice in the process..
Screaming.. Shuffling.. Dancing?.. Oh.. And some singing.. In amongst the chaos.
So another quick and amazing start to the week already after having watched on the same day a funnily ironic movie called 'When Harry met Sally' or something like that.. A 1989 film I think it was?.. But otherwise.. A fun packed day with lots of people and ending in a Korean dinner.

I had another photo filled day with the same trio with a side of handstands, KFC, and of course.. Unbearable heat. However, hiding out and eating under shade and behind a literal NZ mansion I had no idea existed as we looked 'down' onto Eastern Beach from the most amazing view ever.
We eventually ended the fun out at that very beach, Eastern Beach at the end of the day with some chips.. Some drinks.. And music.

I got to really re-connect with one of my sisters from the past through a late night conversation of non-stop ramblings from both ends that really clarified things and just made us think yet again..
While I got to meet her on this very same day after talking to who knows what time..
Another Monopoly moment with me coming up on top quite easily.. I can only thank my luck for that which seems to work only in games.. But, despite the day ending sadly the way it did.. It was good to see my other little sister.. Even if only for a while with her dog..
It was really something I needed and wanted personally and I'm glad it was possible even if only for those short minutes of my personal undesired silence..

I had officially one of the slowest starts I have ever had in a long time refusing to do much at all.. Until my own personal motivation kicked in once more leading me to do a literal 3 hour workout from home.. To outside with the skipping rope which I can actually do now having learned recently.. (Shame on my part..), Punching Bag, Running and out to the playground and field and Wakaaranga.. Tired but accomplished I ended the day with another long conversation with another of my best friends.

I got to have a Chinese New Year's Eve's Eve.. What can I say?.. Didn't get any money.. But got to spend some time with the family friends laughing like crazy over the stupid things..
I'm just glad I got to laugh as much as I did on this day.

I got the best family a guy could ask for.. Inner and outer..
A grandma quick as quick can be and just as caring as she is fast..
Cousins who really make the day count and the times roll..
Siblings all round that is just plain self explanatory..
While parents are hardworking and perfect for my sake..
Really.. Today just made me realize how lucky I am to have the family I do..

That is all.

Although this is my attempt at simplicity..
The difficulties of this week have proven to be too heavy to eradicate the complexities that fill my mind..
So.. Without a doubt this was unnatural to me further more..
If anything this has become a simple diary or journal..
Or maybe it's just what I need?..

Cognizant Promise - Week 2

In a personal attempt of self growth I will endeavor to maintain a promise to a friend true..
A shared promise that will benefit us in equivalence..
Complexity grants difficulty..
Difficulty grants displeasure..
Displeasure grants negativity..
Negativity.. Is undesired..
This is my personal attempt of simplicity.

I am grateful that..

I was able to see in person and catch on video a rare sight..
A pet bee on a string flying around..
Although it required us to freeze it first and tie a string on it..
It was quite possible..
Although I don't know what happened to it after..
One of the simple things..

I got to beat my Little Sister in Monopoly by doubling her money..
Making her give up..
But, just to save face I think I'll keep her name hidden.
Just cause I'm nice like that.
30 million.. Just sayin'

I am keeping up an amazing routine of pure exercise..
Piano playing..
Drawing..
And socializing every now and then..
But keep as productive as possible..

I had an amazing day at mission bay meeting a whole set of new people..
Despite the slight change in weather from original plans..
It only managed to rain after I left..
And, I got to thank a person in person for her efforts..
That I am eternally grateful for which is why I am who I am today..
And where I am right now..
So thank you..
If you get chance to read this..
I also saw many old friends afterwards thinking it would be awkward..
But it worked out better than planned which is more than I could of asked for..

I met up with an even older friend..
We have been amazingly close in the past when I was willing to open up to her..
But, only for the little things that mattered..
Unfortunately with her being in Victoria University it made it quite difficult..
But, I am happy for her successes and just having a good day out with..
Although not enough words were shared like they were in the past..
When we talked for 5-7 hours in Mcdonalds like it was nothing..
About our novels and stories that we were making..
It was just a good day out..

I Went to Night Market, second time now but with good people as well..
Two best friends..
And, they know they're foods well..
So, despite losing out on my diet after so much dedication..
Was worth it for just that one day..
However, I think that brought back my normal appetite which might be a problem..
In the future..
But, I had fun..
Churos are definitely a must!

Spent one more day with my other Little Sister..
Before she heads out to Australia for two weeks..
I had fun though.. Many laughs were shared and made new friends again..
We played pool..
Ate Korean..
And, just talked in general..
What more could I ask from socializing?..

And, if anything that is as best as my memory lets me recall..
While, I can admit to finding this simplicity method of blogging too difficult..
And uncomfortable.. I will do my best..
Here's to my friends..
And having people who can put a smile to my face..
Thank you.

"Your Turn, Don't Forget! You know who you are! =]"
(Not a quote.. I'm actually just saying for real)

Cognizant Promise - Week 1

I am grateful that...

I have learned to dream again..
I have found my motivation to live again..
I have friends that I truly believe in and trust..
I have a set goal and direction to follow and aim for..
I can truly say without hesitation that I am cared for in this world..
I am now able to say believe, trust, hope, forever, need, want and love..
I can see myself being happy.

Dream

"Those who have no power to dream, have no power to live."
-E. Toiler.
"Hope is the dream of a man awake"
-Aristotle.

"Where's your motivation?"
"If you stop and take a look around you, there's a lot to love about the world. I don't want you to spend your time hating something when it can be resolved. Stop hating the world and start loving yourself instead."
-A Friend.

"A life is finite but, a dream is infinite."
-Robin Tey

Dreaming a life.. Living a dream..

My life balances on a reservedly inexhaustible archive of extant copies of imitations..
I have lived everyday shadowing a single pseudo pragmatical pursuit..
I have yielded the entirety of sacrifice superseding success..
I have seen the fruits of my labor in surrounding..
And, I have never once embraced in beat..

I dreamed a life not mine..
I lived a dream not mine..
I lost my dreams to yesterday..
Stolen life past..
I live a dream not mine today..
Stealing dream present..
But..
I will live a dream mine tomorrow..
Chasing dream future..

Contracted not by paper..
Contracted not by will..
Nor, contracted by fate..
But, instead contracted by uncertainty..

I have not yet sung on my stage..
I have not yet danced on my stage..
And, I have not yet dreamed my stage..

My desires match my dreams..
My dreams match the streetlights of eternity..

I know not of what dream to chase..
I know not of what dream is possible..
I only know that I can.
And, until I find that dream..
I will never allow myself to give up.
I will look up to the sky of humanity..
So one day the sky of humanity can look up to me..
I will learn to fight for myself..

Despite 'Shadow Legacy..'
Despite 'Void Scale..'
Despite 'Hollow Blitzkrieg..'
Despite 'Summer Snowflake..'
Despite 'Blood Bottle..'
If nothing else I have my dreams..

I now stand at the gates of eternity..
With open doors to the infinite possibilities..
My chase.. My desire.. My wish.. My heart..
Will have to wait until I dream a dream powerful..
Until I dream a dream of hope..
Until I dream a dream of motivation..
Until I dream a dream of infinity..
Wait for me..
One day you will see me..
Colored by desires' dream..

Today.. I am ready..
To find self old..
To bring self old..
To resurrect self new..
I will return to the way I was today.

My life..
My Dream..
My Instant Karma..

I am a dreamer at heart.

July 11th, 2011.. A life changing friend.

"Your blog can be about positive things too!"
-A Life Changing Friend

There was once a time I used to live life scared..
Scared by the meanings bound by words..
Scared by the repercussions of actions for gain..
Scared by companionship..
So..
My response was denial and opposition..
I avoided the use of words of meaning..
I avoided the use of actions for gain..
I avoided companionship and friendship entirely..

However..
There was an uncalculated variable concealed within a single existence..
By fate..
By chance..
By destiny..
By coincidence..
I met you again.
Despite never having shared a word once for all these years..

I've never let myself believe in fate or destiny..
But..
You have made a believer out of me..
With those 'Earnest' eyes of yours..
In you I believed..
In you I trusted..
In you I lived..
True again.

I used words that once lost all meaning..
Only to find words that once gripped me with fear..
Only to find the same words changing my life again..
For the better..
In you I "Care"..
In you I "Trust"..
In you I "Believe"..
In you There is "Forever"..
In you There is "Friendship True"..
In you There is "Belong"..
In you I "Want"..
In you I "Need"..
In you..
I "Love".

I acted on an instinct once extinct..
Sharing my life with yours..
Because I wanted a better grade of life..
For myself even if I never wanted to admit it..
Despite surface denial..
Despite claims to selflessness..
Meeting you..
Trusting you..
Sharing my heart with yours..
Was my personal act of "Escapism".

I let my guard down so I could make a friend..
Were you to ask me who my friends were 131 days ago..
I would of told you..
"No one."
If you are to ask me today who my friends are now..
I will tell you..
"Everyone.. Along with a best friend that loves her hair more than her life"
And, I'll smile saying it the same way I smile typing it.

And..
If it wasn't for my "Malaysian Stubborn - Ness"
I wouldn't stop myself at teary..
I would instead cry..
I would cry tears of "True" happiness..
Out of pure gratitude for having met you..

It is the very same stubborn nature that prevents me from admittance..
Admitting that I have emotions..
Admitting that I have now become a happier person..
Admitting that I want to keep you in my life for my own selfish reasons..
And..
Although I could never ever say this to anyone..
Admitting that my greatest sadness was my lack friends..
And inability to keep a single best friend..
Or.. To even have a best friend..

But that has all changed..
Because..
Of you.

From my single leap of faith to trust you..
I now lead a life I could never of dreamed off..
A better grade of life..
A happier life.
Some days..
I am even brave enough to say I am truly happy..
Days of having only just hung out with you moments before..
So..
Thank you.
Thank you for enriching this man's life with joy once more.

From meeting and trusting you..
Emotions have become part of my way of life once again..
You showed me how to live..
And in return I showed you I could do the same..
I found friends..
I found best friends..
I found love interests..
I learned to smile from the heart..
I learned to laugh from the heart..
I learned to live.

And, even though I have resolved to never cry again..
For you..
I am willing to break this self promise..
Because to me..
You are worth it..
There isn't a single thing in this world that I wouldn't do for you..
Except shave my head.. That's just crazy.
Or admit to being ticklish when you try..
Or stop using metaphors around you..
Or stop using big words around you..
Or say that you're the cooler sibling.. (You wish..)
Or unfortunately stop being late.. (Natural Malaysian way.. Have to at least be a minute late)
Or let you beat me in any game..
Or in any other competition..
Or stop calling you skux.. (For purposes of a nicer word)
Or stop being stubborn.. (I just have to be.. I really do..)
And.. Let you treat me to dinner..
But everything else I will do no problem!

You told me to make a positive blog..
And even though you never said it..
I'm sure it was implied that I keep my metaphors out of it..
So..
Here it is..
For the world to see..
That a person as impossible as you does exist..
My first ever positive blog.
Dedicated to you.

For.. A Life Changing Friend.
For.. A best Friend
For.. A Sister..
For.. Family.
<3

Thank you..
For being in my life..
For all that you have done..
And.. For all that you are and all that you do.

I am Happy at heart.. =)

11:11 PM 11th November 2011

A behavior atypical in my personal nature to conform to the majority..
Regardless of importance or truth..

Today, I collectively gather my thoughts..
Asking for only one thing during this moment.

That, all the other inhabitants of this Earth experience not complete bliss..
Not complete happiness..
To avoid gain of boredom and loss of meaning in life..
But instead..
I wish for the inhabitants of this planet..
To experience happiness..
General happiness..
To live life..
To keep living life..
To survive and learn..
Survive and grow..
To maintain the strength to overcome obstacles..
To get past drama..
And to be a better version of themselves..
This is what I ask..
A happier world.

This is my true wish in response to my dream..
And if need be..
I'm content with being the sacrifice to see the fruition..
If I need be excluded for such a cause then..
I show no complaints.

White Notebook

"I'm okay with being fake on the surface. But, everything else?.. That 'is' mine. What I am, what I have, what I can do.. That's real."
-Robin Tey

White notebook..
Pages black..
Titled..
Pursuit of happiness..
Author..
You.

I have only one dream..
Bathed in turbulent skies..
Lost in a emotional maze..
Void of exit..
It's a simple dream..
Harder than any other..
A pursuit..
Of happiness.
Not in myself..
But in those surrounding.
They've stained my pages white..
This dream of mine..
Writing my story with yours.

These pages tore when early summer winds circled..
Crying out of safety..
Crying of escape.
But.. That 'was' my place to return to..
No longer.
I have no intention of a life lived easy or safe..
I have only the intention of a life lived with dream fulfilled..
Right now, I'm living for this..
My own wish..
My own dream..
My reality.

Until today.. I've lived everyday with only expectation of self..
The expectation of strength impossible..
I am strong..
I have been strong..
Commanding compulsion of will..
Just so someone else could live..
Live and smile..
With burden new..
With life new..
I had only one path to crawl..
In winding..
In thin..
Forever growing..
I trained my heart..
I trained my body..
I trained my mind..
Teaching of a limitless possible..
I want to become stronger..
Still..
I will be stronger..
I want to realize this reality of mine..
I can't lose..
I won't.
After all..
"I'm only living to fulfill my dream."

Fate alone holds the premises of my last chapter..
But.. Until then..
I have made up my mind..
I don't want pity..
I don't want to run..
My spirit..
My fire..
They are more than enough for this path I crawl.

I'm more than thankful for the kindness that I have received from individuals..
So, I only wish that you never make a sad face ever again for my sake..
But, it is for your kind hearts that I will turn my hatred and anger to strength..
No matter how strung in depth it may be..
To reject faces hurt.. Faces sad.. Faces worried..
It is for these kind hearts that I want to become stronger..
I'm willing to carry it with me for your smiles..
I'm willing to wear forced smiles holding elongated shadows..
I'm willing to endure this undeniably growing physical exhaust..
I'm willing to accept the sacrifice that is me..
Under beautifully scarlet skies..
This pain..
Is alright with me.

" Tears shed is no excuse for sins' end..
These regrets..
A price to painfully worn in eternity.."
-Robin Tey

392 days..
6 people..
0 tears..
? smiles..
? laughs..